Kate’s Burning Bed
Its almost a rite of passage for women to watch The Burning Bed; the 1984 movie starring Farrah Fawcett which tells the story of an abused woman who fought back. The movie is an adaptation of the real life horror endured by Francine Hughes, a battered Michigan housewife who, after being raped by her husband, doused the bed where he slept with gasoline and set it on fire, killing him. Hughes was charged with the murder but was acquitted on the grounds of temporary insanity. What is so remarkable about this story is that it shed light, perhaps for the first time, on the very real problems of domestic violence, conjugal rape, and what happens to a woman when the man she’s married to abuses her not only physically, but sexually and emotionally, until she breaks and fights back. The Burning Bed is a cautionary tale, and not that I’m advocating murder (because I’m not), but this is what happens when we’re pushed too far; there is psychological evidence to support this phenomenon. This story has become a little personal for me, not from being lost in an endless series of Lifetime movies but because this past weekend, my friend Kate spent a night in jail because she finally said enough.
Kate’s story isn’t dissimilar to so many stories of women who live with domestic abuse. She and her husband have been married for about fifteen years, and for the majority of those years her husband has been a fat, drunken, unmotivated loser. They did manage to buy a home, but mostly because Kate earned the money and pushed her husband to do it. He would have been content to live out his days in a hovel with his snout buried in a bottle of whiskey. They have no children, but not because Kate didn’t want them, but because she feared bringing children into such an abusive environment. She tried to save her marriage. She did her best. But about a year ago Kate’s husband started going thru his midlife crisis, he lost a few pounds, discovered Aikido and the internet, and other women. Then all of a sudden all of the problems in their marriage became her fault. Her lack of interest in having sex with this man, (his chief complaint), and all of his resentment at the cards life had dealt him were all of a sudden directed at her, often manifested as verbal, emotional and physical abuse. Throughout their marriage he’d get drunk and hit her, and in the last year that’s increased too, often with him bragging to people about how he used a particular Aikido technique on her. Her husband started spending a lot of time with another woman, and he would use this woman to taunt her and bait her, anything to antagonize Kate because he didn’t have the balls to just pack his things and leave. Kate was often torn between loving this man and wanting an escape, but it all came to a head this weekend when he pushed her too far and she snapped. Yes, she hit him first, but then he beat the shit out of her.
Kate left the house and went to the police station. He left and went to the emergency room. While in the ER he gave a statement to a cop, told the officer that his wife was at the precinct house and that he wanted to press charges; so as she was giving her statement about the abuse she’d endured at the hands of this man, she was the one who was arrested and charged with third degree domestic assault. She spent the night in jail and when she went to court for arraignment the nest day, she was told that she had to leave her home that she paid for, she was slapped with a restraining order and he went and changed the locks.
His biggest dream is to be single, sell her house, take the money and go furnish his new bachelor pad with the fine selections from Ikea.
Her biggest dream? To finally be free.
I spoke to Kate not too long ago and she told me that she didn’t care that her husband let her sit in jail or that he beat her up or about the other women or that he was getting away with it, again. She didn’t care about the house, the money, none of it. All she cared about was that she was free. He couldn’t hurt her anymore.
My own silence these past few days had nothing to do with Kate, but more to do with the natural ebbs and flows we all go thru. Believe it or not, I’m actually quite an introvert, and I prefer having quiet time to myself, and I needed some. The situation I wrote about here had a deeper impact on me than I thought it might. It’s always hard to say goodbye to a friend, but sometimes, that’s what we have to do, and we move on with life.
My husband and I spent the weekend just hanging around the house. It got cold here again, but has since warmed up. It was my turn to pick a DVD to watch Sunday night, and because it came up in a conversation Jeff had with his sister, and then with me, I picked one of my favorite movies, Purple Rain.
I love Prince! I remember the first time I saw that movie, and how I felt my girlparts twitch during the scene where Prince makes love to Apolonia for the first time. You don’t have a heartbeat if that scene didn’t get you all hot and bothered! Oh god how I wanted to be her! But truly, these days the definition of sexy for me is watching my husband dance around the house like Morris Day. Yeah baby! My Jungle Love! Oh-Eee-Oh-Eee-Oh!
Things will be back to normal around here soon, I promise.
1Rhoda IV
wrote on 28 March 2007 at 5:18
“I think I want to know ya, know ya!” Ha! Morris Day and the MOTHERFUCKING TIME hells yes! I saw that movie for the first time as a small child and I fell in love with Apollonia*, she was just too sexy to ever be properly described by any words.
When I was little I also watched The Burning Bed, I believe my mom turned me on to it (funnily enough). By the time I saw that movie I had already been abused by many people, little did I know that when I escaped these people I would make an almost fatal relationship choice, little wonder huh?
More and more I’m telling myself when I begin to obsess, the past cannot touch me, it can’t reach out and grab me with it’s intangible grip, therefore it’s easier for me to know the past cannot hurt me anymore. The past is beginning to quickly move into a different and far away perspective for me and it makes it much easier to settle into my newfound bliss.
Much love to you and my best wishes to Kate,
Rhoda
2pile0nades
wrote on 28 March 2007 at 8:01
I’ve never seen The Burning Bed, but just before last Christmas I saw the movie Enough. It was damn scary, and pissed me off at the same time. It probably didn’t help that I was flipping channels and caught the movie one second before that non-man hit her.
That’s horrible what happened to Kate. That man doesn’t sound like a man to me at all, but like a child who tries to blame someone else for his own mistakes.
Glad it’s over and she’s free now.
Love,
Gary
3nina
wrote on 28 March 2007 at 11:52
Rhoda darling!
lol! Apollonia is yummy, but I fell for Prince in a big way after seeing Purple Rain! Tho, I have been listening to ‘Sex Shooter’ today! hahaha!
Oh sweetie, it’s so hard to let go of the past I know, but you can do it. It is about perspective. What’s so compelling is how people on the outside or who have never endured something like abuse always think they understand or can know what it’s like; and even I fall into that category. I can only empathize.
I’m glad you’ve found this bliss in your life sweetie. You deserve it.
love,
nina
ps - I think you and Jeff speak this similar language! hahaha! Tho, you should see him dance!
4nina
wrote on 28 March 2007 at 11:56
Gary,
Enough is a very similar film. The thing about The Burning Bed tho, is that it focused attention on the problems of domestic violence and abuse. At one point in time, a man could rape his wife repeatedly and not be charged, and in many parts of the world, men can still beat their wives without any consequences. What has happened to Kate is no different than what’s happened to countless other women. And yes, her husband is a real piece of shit.
It’s not over, she still has to divorce him, but he can’t hurt her anymore.
Thanks sweetie,
xoxo,
nina
5The Butterfly Temptress
wrote on 29 March 2007 at 2:14
I loved Prince in Purple Rain. I just saw it for the first time about a month ago with The Knight. It certainly worked for us ;)
As for your friend-
I am glad she is free. I wish I could be free. I wish that I had made different decisions and life choices. I wish I was strong enough to take that drastic final step. Until then, I have to do the best I can.
My thoughts and prayers are with your friend and with all the women who are like her.
Love,
The Butterfly Temptress
6nina
wrote on 29 March 2007 at 11:09
Dearest Butterfly,
Purple Rain is one of my favorite movies of all time! Mmmm, I love it!
Well, I think Kate will be okay. Sometimes when life pushes us further than we want to go, it’s because the universe knows we can handle it. We all have to do our best to survive in this world. Thanks for the kind wishes.
xoxo,
nina
7Carol
wrote on 29 March 2007 at 15:37
I hope Kate is doing ok, and that she gets a decent judge who will realize who paid for the house. It’s interesting to see, however, that the police are willing to believe that men can be abused. It used to never be the case. But to presume she was the one who needed to be removed from the house — were her injuries ignored? It goes back to who complained the “best” way. I hope she was able to document things so she can get justice.
8nina
wrote on 29 March 2007 at 17:03
Carol,
I think she’ll be okay. There aren’t any children involved, so this will likely come down to an even 50/50 split with her husband. But she’s well educated and professionaly employed, so she’ll be able to rebuild her life.
She had bruises on her when she went to the police station, and it’s incredulous to me that she was the one who was arrested. It’s like the whole world has been turned upside down, but you’re right; it comes down to who complained the best way, and apparently that spineless creep she’s married to complained better.
But thanks for the kind words. I’ll pass those on.
xoxo,
nina
9Bryan
wrote on 2 April 2007 at 12:23
For real, I’d appreciate it if you’d pass my info along to ‘Kate.’ Matt’s a real piece of work, and while I don’t know ‘Kate’ at all, I simply can’t believe she’s not the victim here. I’d like to pass my sympathies and encouragement along.
I understand if you’re concerned that I’m some sort of e-creep. Feel free to contact me via email first and I’d be happy to share my # and reassure you that I’m legitimate.
Peace,
Bryan
10nina
wrote on 2 April 2007 at 16:53
Bryan,
I’ve suspected for some time that I was not the only one who felt that this situation was completely deplorable. Quite frankly, I have no respect for any man who puts his hands on a woman in anger, nor one who whines incessantly about his life and then blames the woman he’s married to for all his problems.
It’s incredulous to me how any woman gives him the time of day with the knowledge that he hits his wife. Tho some girls will take attention from anywhere.
I think Kate will be fine in the end, and I suspect “Matt” will be in for a rude awakening.
Thanks much,
nina