Idiosyncratic Complexities of Sexuality
Lately, I’ve found the need to step back and examine myself and my writing as a body of work rather than just a loose collection of thoughts and ideas all strung together. What if anything have I accomplished in this space? Are there recurrent themes in my work? And if so, was this by design or are these just the random idiosyncratic complexities of my sexuality making some great escape from the erotic recesses of my mind, and by extension a reflection of my ‘self’ as a living, breathing, thinking woman?
There are certain metaphors that I’ve always liked; water, thread, mirrors, the moon and other celestial objects, the elemental power of the female goddess archetype and to a larger extent that awesome beauty of femininity. So, if there has been a thread which runs thru this tapestry of mine, it would have to be the exploration of feminine sexuality. My sexuality.
When I look back on why I began using this medium to share my words and parts of my life, I find the most obvious answer to be that I wanted to share the experience of ‘relationship’ as an ideal and as a means to an end as I saw it thru my own eyes. I wrote about my own connections, my own relationships, and my own sexual reawakening; and in doing so, I found that not only was I able to confront and explore these things within myself, but that I was able to share them and connect with others in the form of camaraderie thru the blogosphere. But this hasn’t always gone as planned, nor has it always been what I expected, because in any exploration, you have to be prepared for what you don’t want to find out about as well as what you might expect to find.
There are reasons why I’ve begun to shy away from writing about my own sexual experiences, and it’s much more than just wanting to change the narrative of my own blog or writing, or even changing the narrative of my own story. My reality is determined by the people in my life and those I choose to share my life with, meaning that my life doesn’t begin nor end with what’s written here in the pages of my journal. Despite whatever speculation may exist out there, the reason why I now choose to keep much of my own experience private is because I no longer see the need to share that with the world at large. It served a purpose at the time, a very healthy purpose for me, but in any kind of real growth we must be prepared to accept change and the transformation that comes with that self growth and metamorphosis. But I also feel that I’ve given a voice to many topics of female sexuality that are vital and important, and that my writing and sharing has taken on a larger purpose than just being something I do for myself.
The countless emails and comments I’ve received from everyday strangers who happen to find themselves in my world and who chose to share some of themselves with me is priceless. It’s been that kind of validation which has given me the courage to continue when all I wanted to do was crawl into my shell and hide myself from the world. That encouragement has given me strength when I found myself alone, and even when I felt myself to be without a friend in sight, a new soul would come along and extend the hand of friendship to me, letting me know once again that I wasn’t all alone out here in the cacophony of cyberia.
And I still find immense pleasure and satisfaction in writing about topics of female sexuality because I think these are conversations that we as women want to have, and they’re also subjects that men truly want to grasp and understand, so there is not only purpose and vitality in my work, but there’s also essence and soul; these intangible things which reach deep within who we are as human beings. To me, there is nothing quite as beautiful as a woman in touch with the complexities and idiosyncrasies of her own sexuality, who is unafraid to explore her own body, and to embrace the warm tender embrace of another in the bonds of love, or even lust if the moment is right! This in part is why I continue to write about and review sex toys, and why I write about sexuality, because these things are sacred to me. They represent the transformation of the intangibility of desire, emotion, and imagination into physical expression with our bodies. These are our greatest treasures, and sharing yourself and all of your desires with another human being is our most precious gift to one another. This is why I continue. Because I believe that I still have something to say, and I believe that there is still much to share, and much to learn.
One subject that I often write about in conjunction with reviewing sex toys is masturbation. My friend Jonathan wrote an interesting post about masturbation here, which ironically I thought, raised the question about whether or not masturbation was selfish or if by doing it you were taking something away from your partner. There’s much more to his post, and you can read it here, but I wanted to offer my own perspective on masturbation. In my view there is nothing more personal or more intimate than loving yourself and giving yourself pleasure. Orgasms are good for you, and masturbation teaches you about your own body, and about what feels good, and it also allows you to close your eyes and roam freely thru your own fantasies; to engage your erotic self in ways that can never fully be expressed with a partner. This is not only healthy, but necessary. We all have fantasies, and thru masturbation, not only can we examine these fantasies, but we can live them out within the safe confines of our own minds; and if you’re like me, some of your fantasies really never should leave your own head!
It’s probably not a huge surprise, tho it still humbles me when it happens, every now and then I become the object of someone’s sexual fantasies. I’m always flattered by this, tho in one most recent instance I’m just a little bit disturbed by one admirer of mine. Some of the things I write about explore the dark aspects of human sexuality, but that doesn’t translate into some wish fulfillment scenario where I really want these things to happen; sometimes the things I’ve written about have been fantasies of mine, and sometimes they’ve been my own experiences. Admittedly, I have explored many of my own kinks, and have opened many doors into my own erotic core. I must stress, that this has always been done with complete trust with my partners and with complete consent. I’ve written about D/s and BDSM because they are not only part of my own sexuality but because they’re things which are present in many women’s erotic cores. I find that there is a great benefit to being able to have a safe place to have a safe dialog about dark sexuality, and I’ve tried at times to provide that venue, but because writing and talking about these topics has sometimes invited unwelcome advances, I’ve also scaled that back a bit here too. I’m wrestling with how I want to approach D/s and BDSM in the future, and I’m still undecided on that, but I’d like to believe that I’m capable of offering my thoughts on these topics with both the honor and dignity they deserve. It bears mentioning again that I consider myself ‘submissive’ not ‘a submissive’, there is a difference. I’ve also tried to explore my own bisexuality and have encouraged other women to open those doors and to accept the beauty of such experiences, and to understand that these desires aren’t wrong or dirty, but just part of who we are. This too has sometimes caused problems, and one friend in particular stands out in my mind right now, but it wouldn’t be right to say any more at this point in time; but the desire to express and explore these ideas of sex and sexuality if you will has always been the goal, and it always will be.
Enough soap box for one day.
Some other things to talk about? Baseball season is here! Yay! And my baby Dice-K looks great! As promised some time ago, my sweetest friend Piper wrote the best post about what it means to be a Boston Red Sox fan, which you can read here. It says everything and captures the very soul of what it means to live and breathe Fenway Park and the Red Sox. Another blogging baseball fan is my dearest Lenora, and I always encourage visiting Her site!
And Kyma has tagged me! I promise to do this soon sweetheart!
Some other things around town; I’d like to give Livvy an open invitation to come fiddle with me any time she likes, and I need to thank my dear friend Anastasia for her mention of my OhMiBod review. Ana’s world is lush and full, and she’s a true treasure to visit!
Speaking of the OhMiBod; I received a wonderful email from the webmaster of this site called madamexpod with a subject heading of “Thank God For You!” It was incredibly sweet, and the photography on this site is simply stunning. I haven’t had much time to explore there, but I will soon.
I’ve got reviews in the works for the new OhMiBod toy called the Boditalk and I’ve got some other vibes I’m checking out too, so keep an eye out for those soon.
And finally, I’d like to thank the wonderful Mistress S for the lovely picture she sent to me which appears at the top of this entry, and it’s completely apropos to the topics at hand. Thank you, darling!
Some thoughts on the world at large?
Don Imus should simply be ignored, and if he were half the man he claims to be, he’d simply resign and fade away into obscurity. I believe in free speech, and as Congressman Barney Frank said, “Free speech is for assholes”, but as a woman who has heard racial slurs in my own lifetime, enough is enough. As I wrote here, words and language are power, but validating an old white fuck like Don Imus who is in the twilight of his career with all of this attention is counter productive. We’re making a nobody a somebody again, and that’s the real mistake. But in all honesty, this does hurt me, and it was wrong.
And can you believe Lark Birkhead is the father? Good lord! The world has stopped turning as far as I’m concerned! I was holding out for Zsa Zsa’s husband The Prince! Now that would have been good TV!
1Anastasia
wrote on 10 April 2007 at 23:09
There’s so much to say, but it’s just after 1pm, and I’m on my lunch break at the cafe, especially about the area surrounding writing, personal elements..
but yeah, it took me a while to update myself on the iPOD add on, and it cropped up when I was browsing the web that particular day. I think it’s great that you reviewed one of the most innovative (if you ask me personally, I think it is ‘the’ innovative vibe out there) toys that’s been released.
It is, like you’ve mentioned, important to explore various dimensions, and sexuality is so multi-dimensional, that it’s okay if a writer chooses to close one chapter (eg, documenting the personal) and explore another route/gateway.
back later xx
2Kyma
wrote on 11 April 2007 at 1:20
Nina,
I don’t mind waiting for the outcome of the tagging, it just makes me more anxious and eager to read it when you do write it!
3Echo
wrote on 11 April 2007 at 1:49
Whatever you decide to write or not write I’ll keep reading :)
As for scaling back on BDSM; isn’t it sad that some people choose to change openness and honesty into an invitation? No matter what anyone is into that is always uncalled for.
I actually thought Imus was dead until I heard about his newest bout of verbal diarrhea. That guy has always been a chud and the unpleasant surprise that he was still alive became my low point of 2007. But the year is still young and Bush is still in office so who knows what other low points the year will bring me :)
Echo
4saratoga
wrote on 11 April 2007 at 7:30
Hi Nina-
On the Imus thing, I agree with you. From the few conversations I’ve had with others, I still am unsure why anything has to be ‘done’ about it.
The comments, of course, were revolting and repugnant. But that is part of free speech. Let him fade into oblivion.
I just watched a discusson on CNBC, in which one guest remarked that ‘the next one will be just as bad, one direction or another.’ Just so.
Better to let it sink and disappear than to aid the career of a radio talk-show has-been with sensational coverage of his antics.
-saratoga
5Jonathan
wrote on 11 April 2007 at 8:38
I’ve always loved the fact that masturbation is good for you. It makes it the one healthy thing I can consistently do for myself ;)
Diet, excercise, they’re well and good but hard to stay on. Masturbation, that I can do.
Here’s to our health!
6pile0nades
wrote on 11 April 2007 at 8:49
Larry Birkhead is the father? I wasn’t paying attention lol :).
Whatever you do Nina, don’t stop writing.
Love,
Gary
7Sabine
wrote on 11 April 2007 at 8:57
I recall an earlier post where you were also talking about the need for breadth of topics in your posting, which I was fully apprecaitive of. I tend to find the blogs that straddle a general commentary of topics clost to the writers heart as well as sexuality- specific thematic reflections and personal experience and thoughts. I guess the concept of identity ones own and that of ones’ blog is often mutable and can be easily affected externally,
love the scope of the topics you cover though Nina
xx sabine
8kj
wrote on 11 April 2007 at 9:21
I’ll echo with Echo… We’ll keep reading. As for Imus, he’s not dead but sometimes when their ratings are, a little controversy gives them a much needed spark. And people tune in again.
I agree with Jonathon, here’s to our health. And don’t forget May is National Masturbation Month. Oh Yea, about Birkhead, I was hoping for Hugh Hefner, he just turned 81. (and no he wasn’t in the dna lineup)
Yea, we love the range of Ninas topics. Often times they seem to get the most responses too.
9The English Courtesan
wrote on 11 April 2007 at 10:08
Ooooooh, thank you so much for such a delightful invitation Nina!
For those who are baffled, it’s because the gorgeous Nina was in line for a Thinking Blogger Award from me. Then I discovered she had of course been done ages ago by Gillette amongst others, hence my reference to the fact that I couldn’t fiddle with her this time… :-)
However now I am the proud owner of a Licence To Fiddle and am wiffling wickedly through your archives as we speak!
:-) That was a big saucy wink, a happy whoop and a little dribble…
Livvy xxx
10JW
wrote on 11 April 2007 at 11:44
I get the same feeling when the name Don Imus is mentioned as I do when Larry King and David Broder are mentioned. The Le Brea Tar Pits are missing some of their fossils. Or maybe it’s “The Mummy Walks. I forget.”
Some of these people don’t know when to exit the stage. In Imus’ case, he got a bounce on his sagging career for now.
And Birkhead. He probably feels like he won the lottery. But he might be the long lost brother of The Prince. Yeah, that’s the ticket. Can we run with that?
11nancy darling
wrote on 11 April 2007 at 15:20
ah, my lazy geisha, your voice is beautiful, however you choose to express ! Your clarity and honesty, your gift of communication shine forth no matter what the topic. Enjoy !
Keep some secrets, share some too… make them a bit abstract… why not ?
kiss**
*X*
12nina
wrote on 11 April 2007 at 17:36
Hello Ana sweet!
Oh I hope I didn’t take you away from your lunch hour! How I’d love to be able to sit at an outdoor café right about now. It’s still so damn cold here! I’m looking forward to enjoying my lunch breaks down by the waterfront. Soon I hope!
Well I think you made a good choice with the OhMiBod. It really is a remarkable synergy of sex and music; two subjects that I know you and I have in common! It really is an innovative sex toy, and I’ve had so much fun coming up with new iMixes to use with it, and I find that depending on my mood it really changes the way I experience my orgasm. I mean come on, it isn’t every day that you get to imagine being fucked by Jim Morrison right? :biggrin:
As for writing and the blog, well I look at it like this; I plan to write some erotic fiction, and I do have a wicked imagination and a breadth of personal experience to draw from! And I think I can be more relevant writing about issues which affect all of us and our sexuality. That seems to be where I’ve found my voice. And besides, don’t people get sick of reading about everytime I fuck my husband or girlfriend and the various ways we “do it”? I know I do! So I can imagine how everyone else must feel!
Thanks sweetie! I’ve missed you! :kissing:
xoxo,
nina
13nina
wrote on 11 April 2007 at 17:40
Kyma,
Thank you sweetheart! All good things come to boys who wait!
I’ll do it soon, I promise!
xoxo,
nina
14nina
wrote on 11 April 2007 at 17:48
Echo my darling,
Thank you so much for the vote of confidence, and I’m glad you’ll keep reading what I choose to share. I love the aspect of sharing, and I think I can do that in lots of different ways.
The BDSM thing gets a little weird sometimes, especially I’ve noticed when I, or another woman, opens up and writes about submission or submissive desires or experiences. Most people who’ve read me have come to understand what this journal is about, and they know my situation, so everything’s cool, right? But on occasion someone gets the wrong idea and starts to visualize themselves in my life story, and that’s just not cool. I’m not shopping for a “master”! In fact, I’ve never called any of my partners Master in my entire life, and I doubt I ever will. If that’s your thing, fine, but not for me, and that’s okay. My approach to BDSM and D/s has been the exploration of that innate submissive sexuality which I believe is present in all women; that need to connect with that submissive identity. And while it’s very flattering to be included or part of someone’s sexual fantasies, I don’t need to know about it!
Imus is digging himself a gigantic hole. My husband works in media and he’s got a lot of connections, and from what he’s told me, this could be the end of the “I-Man”, and as someone on MSNBC put it today, “An old white dude who wears a cowboy hat doesn’t get to say Nappy Headed Ho”.
I think that sums it up nicely!
Thank you sweetness!
xoxo,
nina
15nina
wrote on 11 April 2007 at 17:58
Hello saratoga!
Well, the way this seems to be shaking out is that the marketplace will ultimately decide his fate. As I mentioned to Echo, my husband works in the media, and several more advertisers have pulled their sponsorship, so I think this is going to be the end of Imus. What makes this worse I think is that he has a real history of making racially charged comments, and I’m the last one to come out with the false indignation that some seem to have mustered over this, but as a woman, and as a biracial person, these kinds of remarks do bother me. I watched a news conference with these girls and they’re simply amazing women! I think we sometimes forget or maybe expect young people to be more insulated from this kind of thing, but that’s still a fragile age (18 – 22), and these kinds of remarks do cause pain. Do I think Imus meant them that way? Probably not, but I think what this really says is that Don Imus is just an insensitive jerk who has probably been doing this for far too long.
The coverage of this is appalling really. It’s on every news show, every network, and everyone is throwing their two cents in on this. Don Imus never had it so good! But my husband called me earlier and told me that Imus basically has talked about nothing else but this incident, and he’s really digging himself a hole. Tho as I said, the marketplace will decide his fate, as it already seems to be doing.
Thanks sweetie,
xoxo,
nina
16nina
wrote on 11 April 2007 at 18:08
Jonathan,
:biggrin: Well at least you know that you’ll never turn yourself down! You’re sure to get some! haha! But yes, masturbation is very good for you. It still cracks me up that people used to think that masturbation would make them go blind, and for the longest time girls and many women completely denied that they even did it! How crazy is that? What’s even crazier is that some women were telling the truth and really didn’t masturbate! What kind of life is that? Our bodies are meant to be enjoyed, either with ourselves or those we love.
At least you can stick to something!
Thanks sweetie,
xoxo,
nina
17nina
wrote on 11 April 2007 at 18:10
Gary,
Thank you sweetheart! I don’t plan to stop writing. Just think of all of this as an evolution of a writer. Don’t worry, it will always be interesting! (I hope)
Yes! Birkhead is the father! Can you take it? I was really holding out for The Prince! Zsa Zsa wouldn’t have been very happy, but would anyone have been surprised?
Thanks sweetheart!
xoxo,
nina
18nina
wrote on 11 April 2007 at 18:17
Sabine,
Thank you sweetheart! That’s incredibly kind of you to say! I’ve always tried to keep my journal interesting, relevant and informative, and I’ve always tried to use the events of my life as the basis for addressing larger questions or issues that I’ve had with life and the world around me.
This has been something that I’ve been wrestling with for several months and I’ve been dancing around this idea of moving things in a different direction for a while now, but I think I can do that and still stay true to not only myself, but to my goals and aspirations as a writer and human being. This journal for me has been about growth and making connections, so in that respect I’ve been successful. I think the sexual or sex based topics are interesting for lots of reasons; for me because I enjoy the discussion and the sharing of ideas, and for others because I think they too enjoy that interaction and sharing of ideas too. In many ways when I write something particularly erotic, I like that my words can turn someone on. That’s my gift of thanks to them for taking the time to read what I have to say.
I like to think of my journal as a reflection or snapshot of me and who I am. We can never truly know someone fully by reading their journal, but we can gauge what kind of person they are I think. Sometimes those reflections are mutable, like a pebble leaving ripples in a pond. The pond and pebble haven’t changed, just the reflection.
Thank you sweetheart,
xoxo,
nina
19nina
wrote on 11 April 2007 at 18:35
KJ,
Thank you sweetheart! I’m glad you enjoy all of the topics I write about and being part of the geishaland community!
So May is national masturbation month? Are you pulling my leg? Or something else you rascal?
Yes, that Jonathan is a crafty one isn’t he? Hahaha!
Well, I think people want to engage and have conversations. I love the interaction and connection, and as I have always done, if you leave a comment, you get an answer from me!
Imus is DOA from what I’ve heard. This is going to undo him and his show I think, and rightfully so! As I said elsewhere and as I quoted elsewhere, “An old white guy who wears a cowboy hat doesn’t get to say Nappy Headed Ho”. Maybe that isn’t the way it should be, but it is. Reality is reality.
Tho these people all calling for “a larger dialog about race” just crack me up. That isn’t about to happen, even tho it really should. People don’t want to confront their own ugly prejudices and bigotry, they just don’t. I remember when some guy made an ugly remark to me here about Asians, and it really hurt me. I was insulted. So I can understand how the Rutgers Women’s Basketball Team feels. It’s just insensitive and wrong. But what really irks me is the way Imus is trying to justify his remarks by saying “Well they say that in hip hop music” So what???
And as I write this response to you KJ, MSNBC is on my office television in the background, and MSNBC will no longer simulcast the Imus program. They’ve cancelled him.
So that’s that.
Thanks hon!
love,
nina
20MistressS
wrote on 11 April 2007 at 18:43
Big smiles and warm hugs honey. You are an amazing woman with much grace. Please continue to make this space what you need it to be, when you need it to be. As we all know, life is ever changing.
S
21nina
wrote on 11 April 2007 at 18:46
Livvy dearest,
Honey, this and you are the bright spot of my day! You are a true treasure, and you’ve brought such a smile to my face and have warmed my heart!
Yes darling, you have your very own License to Fiddle any time you like! And thank you for clearing up the baffled looks on people’s faces!
I was honored to even be mentioned by you, and you’re a lovely lady who always makes me happy!
Oh yes! Please peruse my archives and enjoy! You’ll find geekiness to wickedness and everything in between, and I shall be visiting you in your home soon my most elegant English Courtesan!
Thank you for the saucy wink and the whoops and dribbles, darling Livvy! :kissing:
xoxo,
nina
22nina
wrote on 11 April 2007 at 18:50
JW,
We can run with whatever copy you want baby! You’re the boss!
Oh you’re so right, they’re all so over the hill and irrelevant these days. And as my husband would say, “We have Breaking News!”
MSNBC has just announced that they will no longer simulcast the Don Imus show. Look for CBS radio to pull the plug next. Sponsors are deserting him in droves, and for a week Imus has been digging himself a hole from which there is no escape.
Oh Birkhead is on cloud nine! That poor little girl is his mealticket now. But I probably shouldn’t say that. He could be a very nice guy and he could be a very good father. Let’s hope so. At least Virgie Arthur didn’t get custody! That woman is scary!
So JW, let’s go to an after hours club in downtown Tokyo and get our groove on!
Mmmwwaaahhh!
xoxo,
nina
23nina
wrote on 11 April 2007 at 19:23
Nancy darling!
Thank you sweetheart! What a lovely compliment! I’m so happy that you enjoy the little bits and pieces that I share with the world. Yes, we all have our little secrets now don’t we? Why not indeed? :kissing:
Thank you sweetness!
xoxo,
nina
24nina
wrote on 11 April 2007 at 19:28
S,
Thank you so much for this my sweet friend! You truly brighten my day, and thank you again for such an amazing picture! I truly loved it and I’m proud to display it here in geishaland!
Life is ever changing, and we must always make the best of what we have. I am constantly reminded of how blessed I am; I have people in my life who love me, I have people in my life whom I can show my love to, I have a beautiful son, and I have friends. Yes, I have friends. Friends like you and so many others who take time out of their lives to share some of themselves with me. I am always humbled and honored by that privilege.
Thank you sweetheart,
xoxo,
nina
25Terry
wrote on 11 April 2007 at 21:20
Dearest Nina,
You are evolving, so everything about you will reflect that. Your writing is of course what most of us get to see, and it seems that no matter what you choose to write about, it’s always done with much forethought and style. I always look forward to reading what’s on your mind, regardless of the topic.
I may not have had some of the experiences you and a lot of your readers have had, but I always come away with a feeling of acceptance, both of you and from you. Sometimes I even try to place myself in your “shoes”, and wonder what it must be like to feel what you feel (I’ve just never shared it with you before). It’s D/s and bondage that has brought me to this world of blogs, and some wonderful new friends. I never expected to become part of it, but I’ve learned so much from so many, I believe my world is bigger and more accepting of others because of you and all your friends who leave comments. I may not comment all that often, but I’m here, and always appreciative.
If we didn’t keep growing and changing, we’d run the risk of becoming stale old-stick-in-the-mud radio-talk-show host blowhards that should’ve retired awhile back, and we wouldn’t want that, now would we?
Thanks for all you do.
much love,
Terry
26Piper
wrote on 11 April 2007 at 21:39
Thank you so much, Nina. I still get a charge when someone links to me, especially someone I like and admire. And, it’s a baseball post, no less! The kind words are very much appreciated.
As for masturbation being selfish, and meaning no disrespect to the writer, but lets not over-analyze something that almost every human being has done since the beginning of time. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, isn’t it?
Imus can say what he wants. Everyone can say what they want, with a few exceptions. However, Imus said things in his capacity as an employee and his employer has the right to decide what consequences he will suffer. Ultimately his fate will be a business decision, based not on the words spoken but the affect those words have on the profit margin of his employers.
He’s was hired to say edgy things. Why he decided to insult a group of young, female athletes that are not public figures is beyond me.
27nina
wrote on 11 April 2007 at 22:00
My Dear Sweetest Terry,
I am so touched by these words, thank you so very much!
What has been most important to me in all the time that I’ve kept this journal and opening my own life and inviting others to share in that, and in all the time that I’ve been reaching out and offering the hand of friendship to anyone who happened to wander by, is acceptance. That everyone would be accepted and feel welcomed in this space, no matter who they were or what they had to offer. And I thank you with all of my heart for sharing that sentiment with me, because that has been the cornerstone for what geishaland is all about. Acceptance. And I’m so happy to know that you’ve felt that here.
We’re so isolated and segregated in this world in so many ways that are completely intangible and invisible, so if I can create a place where people can come together and feel accepted then I’ve truly accomplished something.
Experience is a funny thing, because we were all virgins at one point, we were all the new kid in class, we’ve all had to be the new person on the first day of work, but we get thru it and we learn, and that’s how we grow. In many ways my writing and journaling has gone thru that evolutionary process too. It’s kind of like feeling more comfortable in your own skin, and I feel as tho I’ve come a long way, and that I’m better because of everything I’ve been thru, and I’m grateful. If I had to pick a word to describe my entire experience out here in cyberia, it would be grateful, for so very much.
There are times when we read something on some site and it touches us in an unexpected way that we don’t always know what to say or have anything to add. That doesn’t mean that what we’ve read hasn’t meant the world to us, so please don’t feel the need to explain about commenting. While I love comments and love the interaction with those who choose to read here, I understand that everyone can’t or isn’t going to comment on every post or every word I write, but I also know that they still come and they still read, sometimes every single day. And that’s what really matters.
So many women have turned to the internet and blogs to try and answer those questions we have within ourselves, especially about BDSM or D/s. I’ve come to the conclusion that it really isn’t BDSM that they’re looking for, but rather, they’re trying to connect with that submissive sexual identity which I happen to believe exists in every woman. I’ve written so much about those intrinsic and hardwired programming we as women have in terms of our sexuality, and I think so many of those feelings are universal; the need to be taken, filled, completed, and that act and psychological transformation of surrendering. This is the essence of our sexual selves I believe, and I think that’s resonated with so many of us.
I don’t mind taking risks, and I don’t mind forging my own path. I’m just so grateful and humbled that so many choose to walk this path with me.
Thank you so much for sharing yourself with me. It’s always so very much appreciated sweetheart.
xoxo,
nina
28nina
wrote on 11 April 2007 at 22:16
Piper my sweet!
Oh my goodness, thank you sweetheart for writing such an inspiring post! I remember when I first read your words and when I asked you if I could reference it when baseball season started! It was fantastic (and still is!) And please allow me to shower you with more; your journal Piper’s Place has always been one of my favorites and I’m embarrassed that I don’t get over to see you more, but everytime I do, I always find something wonderful there. You are a treasure my friend, (and yes, I owe you an email too!) :kissing:
I’ll agree with you here on masturbation; it’s something we all do, and it’s something we should all feel comfortable with. I like to celebrate the joys of self love, and because I review sex toys, I get to expand my own self love experiences and share them with others, hopefully so they can make good decisions about what toys are good, and which ones they might want to take a pass on. And yes, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar too!
(Tho, sometimes it’s a dildo! hahaha)
You make a good point about Imus. This isn’t so much a free speech issue, and I haven’t heard anyone make the case that he can’t say what he wants, but when someone is paying you to essentially represent them, especially in a broadcast media capacity, the bar is set a little higher, and it should be. What concerns me is the indignation and hypocrisy from some elements of our society who are basically making Imus an example, but maybe this is an example that needs to be made. For the life of me I cannot understand why he would target a group of young women. You know Piper, we have it hard enough in this world. There are enough obstacles out there in our way as it is, who needs this? Certainly not them. But, this guy has made his reputation by being a very mean spirited person, and no matter how many good deeds he does to try and assuage his own guilt and self loathing, I think when you boil it down, Don Imus is just a mean person. But, like everything, money rules, and all of his advertisers pulled from his show, and MSNBC has canned his simulcast, so I think we’ve likely heard the end of this for now.
But to end on a positive note!
Everyone please go visit my dearest friend Piper at her Piper’s Place! I think you’ll all see why I love her so.
Thank you darling, :kissing:
xoxo,
nina
29saratoga
wrote on 12 April 2007 at 8:52
Nina-
It’s Thursday morning, and I just watched CNBC’s coverage of the ebbing Imus incident.
First, I agree with you and Piper, it’s on one hand protected free speech (especially when not involving public airwaves), but the business reaction will really determine his fate, and has. The head of NBC news, Capus, made an unconvincing attempt to say he pulled the plug on Imus for ethical reasons. Just coincidence it was after P&G, Sprint, et al, canceled their advertising.
Does anyone remeber Arthur Godfrey? It was before even my time, but in the ’50s, he lost his position as prime radio persona due to an open mike and simple mistreatment of his staff.
Frankly, on the whole, I’m satisfied that Imus’ behavior triggered economic punishment.
However, a few disturbing related issues, as voiced on CNBC’s discussion of their thousands of emails in the last few days on this.
One, what about advertisers who support misogynous, or other group-baiting and bashing behavior, and let it stand?
Two, what about so-called music artists, a/k/a rap singers, who use phrases that make Imus look tame? Does it matter that they are ostensibly producing ‘art?’ Or is their speech just as offensive, but given a pass, due to a sort of reverse racial discrimination?
-saratoga
30JW
wrote on 12 April 2007 at 11:32
One of the juicy little tidbits out today has been the Katie Cougar (Couric) story and her 33 y/o beau.
At least it’s a little more interesting than iMess.
Nina, anytime in downtown Tokyo. You are such an Artiste Provocateur. ;)
31nina
wrote on 12 April 2007 at 19:16
saratoga,
Well it’s Thursday evening and Don Imus has now been fired by CBS, so I suppose this is now the post mortem about a story which continues to occupy much of our airwaves and one that’s become part of our national conversation.
I have a small television set in my office here at home, and I usually watch CNN or MSNBC during the day (along with The View, Oprah and Rachel Ray!), just as background really, but I’ve followed this story a bit because it has raised larger questions. I don’t see this as a true free speech issue because when someone else is paying for the microphone, they are the ultimate arbiter of what gets said on their air. But this recent event seems to have been a Perfect Storm of sorts. It isn’t like this is the first time Don Imus has uttered something truly disgusting or reprehensible, but for some reason this touched a nerve with people. I don’t know if it’s because he targeted defenseless young women, or because Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson made a lot of noise about it.
What I did notice is that throughout this melt down was that Imus’ apologies have at best seemed insincere. He also raised the same points that “hip hop artists use the same language and no one is mad at them” but even yesterday he was still making stereotypical remarks like, “I bet all of those girls (the Rutgers ladies basketball team) have that kind of music on their iPods”, which tells me that he really doesn’t get it, and never did, and probably never will.
And it isn’t as if NBC or CBS didn’t know who they were dealing with either. Imus has a long history of being an asshole on the air, even within MSNBC when in 2003 he called news anchor Contessa Brewer a “skank” and “fat pig with a fat ass”, so I don’t buy the soul searching on the part of media executives from either company. (Full disclosure here, my husband works in the media)
But you’re right, the market responded, for whatever reason. When sponsors withdraw their support for a program or personality, it makes it very easy for media executives to clear their conscience and fire the guy. But I’m also wondering if this is the start of something larger? Who will be next? Rush Limbaugh, BillO or some other obnoxious radio personality who also utter disparaging remarks about people or groups on a regular basis?
Your other questions are interesting too, but I believe in free speech, and if you don’t like something, don’t watch, don’t read, don’t listen. The last thing we need in this world is censorship, but we also have to remember that with free speech comes responsibility, and there are sometimes consequences for what we say. I’ve never been a fan or even listened to Don Imus or his radio show. Not my cup of tea. But my sense of him just by watching the coverage and reading some news stories is the guy is basically an overbearing bully and an asshole, and he always has been!
But I will share something my husband told me. Apparently Imus has a reputation for being impossible to deal with, often being abusive to his staff and everyone around him, so when you have no reservoir of goodwill to go to when you’ve made a mistake, then you’re on your own and this is what happens.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me sweetheart, and congratulations on your new column! :kissing:
xoxo,
nina
32nina
wrote on 12 April 2007 at 19:22
JW,
You’re right tho, this iMess is getting boring.
Yes!
Tokyo-a-go-go baby!!!
Mmmwwaaahhhh!
xoxo,
nina
33saratoga
wrote on 13 April 2007 at 2:02
Nina-
Thanks for your well-wishes on my new column.
I agree with most everything in your comment/reply. The point about a paid-for microphone is reasonable. And, like you, I largely follow a ‘dont listen, dont watch’ policy on what I know I won’t enjoy.
So I really don’t hear Imus, Oprah, Stern, et.al.
I think Rush and BillO are different, in that they are not ostensibly comedians, and they tend not to engage in personal attacks of a physical variety. At least, O’Reilly doesn’t - I occasionally see him when dressing for workouts. I don’t listen to Rush (surprised Sweetie?).
However, re: the rap singers, I think this crusade by Sharpton, Obama, et.al., will backfire. Here’s how.
They have gone after Imus, and gotten him. On allegedly just racial/gender slur grounds.
Now, in about 6 months, one or the other of various Democratic Presidential hopefuls will get a boatload of cash, and some very uncontrollable fundraising ‘help’ from Hollywood and the music biz.
Just like the last three election cycles, some entertainer will say or do something inexcusable and insulting to some group, causing the relevant Dem to scurrying to the media to distance her/himself, but still take the cash.
They have to take Hollywood/entertainment extreme values and lifestyle issues, then defend them to other constituent groups.
So at this point, someone like Obama will have to defend some black rap singers using similar, if not nearly-identical lyrics as to what Imus said. And then justify why they should not be lynched in the media, as Imus has been.
It’s going to be an entertaining next 19 months, n’est pas?
-saratoga
34saratoga
wrote on 13 April 2007 at 2:07
Nina-
forgot the ‘xoxoxox.’ :)
You know I feel the same as you about the actual Imus situation.
I am simply curious as to whether others will be treated consistently for the same offenses.
xoxoox
-saratoga
35nina
wrote on 13 April 2007 at 2:43
saratoga,
You’re very welcome sweetheart! I know you’re really going to enjoy that, and Sky is simply wonderful too! When I write my next post, I’ll mention your new beat and give you some linkie-love too!
Well! From all of our conversations throughout our friendship you know that I always enjoys a good debate, but what has fascinated me about the entire Imus story is just how many lessons are contained in the events of the last week or so. We’ve seen examples of some of the best and worst human behavior all rolled up into a neat little package under a single umbrella named Don Imus. So if it pleases you to indulge me, I’m going to share some thoughts and observations.
Ten seconds after Don Imus called the Rutgers Ladies Basketball Team “Nappy Headed Hos” the story ceased to be about Don Imus. The story became about us and our society, with everyone involved each playing their assigned roles. Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson played the role of race crusaders, and by all means they used Imus’ own words and history as a club to mercilessly beat him about the head, and it worked. But what is so remarkable about all of this is how Don Imus masterminded his own demise by a process of slow burn over the last week, which I think made his firings completely inevitable.
Tho what I also think we saw was a man who wasn’t truly sorry for what he said, who was going thru the motions of an apology and who became angry when he didn’t get his instant forgiveness (typical man… sorry couldn’t resist!) We saw unbridled narcissism, ego driven tirades, and semi-hysterical attempts to keep changing the subject away from him and who he truly is as a human being, (e.g. Hip Hop Artists’ use of the same type of language). I think Imus is sorry, but he’s sorry that people made such a big deal about it, instead of being truly regretful for hurting those women. (Kind of like being sorry that he got caught). And in my opinion, I do think Imus is a racist, and I think it pissed him off to no end that he had to go thru the motions of having to grovel to his colleagues, his bosses, the public, and to people like Al Sharpton.
So in many respects, the lesson laid bare for all of us is that words have real power, and no matter who you are or what you say, your true heart always reveals itself.
And we also got to see how a mob operates. From what’s been reported and what’s been told to me thru my own confidential source (Hmmm, take one guess… lol!), the entire NBC news division basically orchestrated a mutiny and put it to management, “Him or Us”, and with sponsors defecting in close to triple digit numbers, Imus was thrown overboard. I also imagine it didn’t help Imus’ cause with CBS either when he basically went on a tirade towards NBC on his radio show Thursday morning either, and they too also found it easy to toss Imus under the bus. Also too, as I wrote in my previous reply to you; when your goodwill reservoir is empty, and you’ve burned every bridge, and you’ve serially abused everyone around you for years and years, people aren’t exactly lining up to defend you. Lesson here? Be good to people. Be a good person. Do the right thing. Be compassionate and decent, because there will come a day when you will need your friends because we all make mistakes sooner or later.
I disagree somewhat that the mob went after Imus on purely racial/gender grounds tho. I think Imus made a lot of enemies over the years and this incident made it very easy for those enemies to just let a drowning man sink to the bottom. He did it for them really.
Tho it really bears mentioning that the Rutgers Ladies have shown nothing but class, grace and dignity throughout this entire episode and in the face of such adversity. We can all learn something from them.
Okay, now to your other remarks (rascal!) :sideways:
I don’t think Barack Obama was any more vocal about this issue than anyone else, but he’s a black man and a father so this was an easy pitch for him to swing at and knock right out of the park. I can’t see how this will come back to haunt him at a later date. While I understand your issues with, oh how would you put it, the “elite Hollywood liberals” raising money for his campaign, I don’t think Senator Obama will have to be in the position to defend hip-hop artists. See, I’m not sure you’re considering the differences of context here. At one point in time, Don Imus was a “shock-jock/comedian” but his show has apparently evolved over time into a public affairs/political commentary broadcast which is not the same thing as entertainment. (It is and and it isn’t and we can argue the merits of that in the next round), but there is a difference. Let me give you some examples:
Don Imus is sixty something year old white man who was alive during segregation and the civil rights movement. So when he says “Nappy Headed Ho” it has an entirely different connotation than say if Dave Chappelle or Ludacriss said the exact same thing. That may be wrong, but it is reality, and in our reality we have to be aware of those things. And on the gender side of things I have a perfect example. I use the word “cunt” when I write, I’ve claimed that word for myself as a woman in a sexual context. I can say the word, write the word, utter the word, and it’s no big deal right? But I’ve been called a “cunt” by a man before, and I can tell you that no other word causes us as much pain or is more hurtful than that one. So who is saying the words matters just as much as the words they’re saying. Again, we can debate that in the next round too, but that’s the way it is.
Okay, now I’m not surprised that you don’t listen to Rush Limbaugh! I mean, don’t his listeners call themselves “ditto-heads”? But if Rush isn’t a comedian I don’t know what he is! I think he’s a big fat idiot! There I said it! But for guys like Rush, BillO, Michael Savage and the rest of the right wing hate radio on AM… I apply the rule of “don’t like it, don’t listen”. But you do have to consider one thing, BillO never would have apologized! hahaha! He would have sent “Fox Security” after his attackers!
Yes darling, it is going to be an interesting 19 months!
Ugh… I’ve had the most awful insomnia the last two nights, and my body clock is totally out of sync, so you get your reply quickly this time! (and I’m not even getting any either!) :cwy:
Thank you dearest as always for sharing your thoughts with me! :silly:
xoxo,
nina
36saratoga
wrote on 13 April 2007 at 16:24
Nina-
I agree with you that it’s doubtful Imus is sorry for what he said. He does seem to be sorry merely for being caught and convicted.
Regarding the power of words, we shall see. I don’t completly agree with your analogy, although I understand your meaning and concept.
You are intelligent. So am I. We understand nuance. Most voters, sadly, do not.
Obama put himself out there by unilaterally declaring that Imus should be fired. Mark my words, he and some other folks in the vanguard of this will be called to account for giving a pass to others using the same language.
In politics, what goes around, comes around, n’est pas?
Feel better, Sweatheart. And by all means, get some!
xoxoxo
-saratoga
37Angela
wrote on 13 April 2007 at 18:57
Oh so much soap box today. I think it is absolutely wonderful that you are talking and teaching life experiences. Women do need to talk and men do want to learn, and you are a goddess for stepping up and having a safe place to do this.
Yeah! Baseball!
I have a little Indian this year. It’s his first year. So far so good.
Don Imus is an ass. I feel bad for the girls that are catching the backlash.
And yes he is the daddy…. Damn no more millions for the baby.
HugsKissSmile
~Angela
38JW
wrote on 14 April 2007 at 10:20
One down, too many still remain.
Memo to Imus By DAVE ZIRIN
39nina
wrote on 14 April 2007 at 11:46
saratoga,
Thank you again for continuing this topic sweetie. It really has become part of our national conversation, and it seems as if everyone has a divergent opinion about how this all shook out. I think as far as Imus is concerned, he’s got plenty of money and he’ll likely land on his feet. This wounds his ego more than anything, and usually when the universe throws something like this at a person, there’s a lesson of pride and vanity involved.
I think Obama was put into the position of having to make a statement, tho I’m not sure it will come back to haunt him later. Perhaps this was a visceral reaction on his part because the remarks were racist in origin, but we’ll have to see. What really concerns me, and I didn’t even consider this initially, is how much power we just put into the hands of Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson! Good lord, this really may have been a mistake! hahaha!
As for everything else? Nous verrons!
Thanks sweetie!
xoxo,
nina
40nina
wrote on 14 April 2007 at 11:51
Hello Angela!
How are you sweetie! I’ve missed you!
Yes, a bit of a soap box on this day, but that’s okay. It helps me feel better about life in general!
That’s just it I think, women do want to have these conversations and I think men do too, but it’s sometimes very hard for men to initiate these kinds of conversations with women, and they usually don’t trust our answers anyway! Maybe I can be that bridge.
Ooo! How cute! I hope your little Indian enjoys himself! I wish that my son was interested in baseball. We’ve taken him to Red Sox games, but he hasn’t been consumed by Red Sox Nation yet!
And yes, Don Imus is an ass! Why on earth he chose to pick on these bright, wonderful college women is simply beyond me.
Well, from what’s been reported, Vergie Arthur is the real problem now. I just hope Larry remembers what he had to go thru to get his daughter, and I hope he always cherishes her.
Thank you sweetheart! It’s always lovely to see you in geishaland!
xoxo,
nina
41nina
wrote on 14 April 2007 at 11:54
JW,
Thank you so much for this link! There are so many great points in that article too, and I think we can never underestimate the power Coach Stringer’s statements to the media had on all of us. Her eloquence, the team’s eloquence and grace were simply too much for both NBC and CBS to ignore. And perhaps that’s the true lesson in all of this. In the face of adversity, kill them with kindness.
Thank you sweetheart,
xoxo,
nina
42JW
wrote on 15 April 2007 at 20:26
MadTV strikes again!
Introducing the iRack.
43nina
wrote on 16 April 2007 at 20:14
JW,
Oh that’s brilliant! I’m going to post this! Thanks sweetheart!
xoxo,
nina
44Anastasia
wrote on 20 April 2007 at 22:10
back…it takes me a while. With personal jottings, in general, they have a purpose, but sometimes (even for myself) I think they’re also an extension of in depth sexual exploration in the way surveys would explore sexuality (Kinsey, Hite, Friday). They’re necessary, also aid to explode various myths, when warts and all, and they’re tricky to explore as well where third parties are concerned (different when other people are aware). I’ve tended to have that issue weighing over my head, having to carefully select what personal experience to write about only because I’m never sure about the legal aspects. It’s not too bad in Australia, but it can determine what I write (in terms of personal experiences, even the non sexual ones). There have been some issues I wanted to explore earlier in the year, but couldn’t because of those other elements/risks and yes, sexuality provides a wide playing field because of the diversity.
45nina
wrote on 21 April 2007 at 21:24
Hi Ana!
Oh please think nothing of it, I completely understand how things get crazy!
I think we all have to decide just how much we want to reveal to the world about things which very often are so private that we’d never even tell those closest to us. Perhaps this medium allows us to break down some of those walls and it allows us to also explore things which are necessary to our own growth.
I think too that we also have to always be aware and cognizant about letting too much out, because it can be used against us later. Either by some governmental agency, or by some lurking cyber-asshole without any scruples. (No names mentioned of course)
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me Ana. I consider you to be one of the people who I have an enormous respect for. Not only because of your writing, which I always find nourishing and plentiful, but because you’ve got character. And that carries more weight with me than just about anything else.
Thank you, dearest Ana,
xoxo,
nina