The song my mother gave me
My mother was a simple humble woman. Her wisdom came from the sort of experiences most of us will never know or could even begin to understand. She grew up poor, in a country rebuilding after being ravaged by war and occupied by a foreign army, and with a culture that is still difficult for gaijin to comprehend. My mother wasn’t educated the way most of us understand the word, but she had a knowledge about the world, about life, and about the universe which she tried to teach her children. And while I loved my Father and thought him to be the strongest man in the world, it was my mother who shaped me, and who made me the woman I am today.
My mother would teach us simple lessons, using everyday things her children could understand to illustrate her point. I remember her lessons to this day; things about right and wrong, good and evil, and about honor and dignity. Our world has lost something in all its progress I think. We’ve somehow lost things like honor and dignity, but I remember… I remember how a simple plain woman never forgot who she was or where she came from, even tho her life would be forever changed the day she met my Father, she always stayed true to herself, and she never lost touch with the things that truly mattered in this life. And as much as I am my own person, I am still and shall always be her daughter.
It was very important to my mother that her children grow up with a sense of who they were and where they came from, but she embraced everything America offered. She knew that her children, especially her two daughters, would have opportunities that women didn’t have where she came from. Tho time has been somewhat kinder to women than my mother once predicted, she never wavered from her belief that her children would have a better life here, and we have.
There are days where I sit and wonder about the world and place my mother left behind, even tho I know why she left. I have traveled there, I have seen her village with my own eyes and have tried to imagine her as a little girl playing with the other children; maybe finding a small yellow flower standing all alone in a field, waiting just for her to wander by and stop and admire the rare beauty it possessed. And maybe in that moment, my mother understood that even tho her life was hard and had little joy, she too was a rare and special flower with a unique beauty all her own.
My mother told me that story once when I was a little girl. It was a warm summer day and I’d found a bright yellow dandelion standing all alone in the grass. I quickly picked it and ran home to show it to her. She took the flower from my small outstretched hand and smiled at me, and placed it in a small glass of water and set it down on the windowsill. Her eyes began to glass over as she tried to hide her tears, and she bent down and told me that the world is filled with flowers, but this flower, like me, was special.
I think the lesson she wanted me to learn was that even tho the world is filled with people, we are all special and beautiful in our own unique way, just like the flower I picked for her.
Sometimes at night before I fell asleep I would hear my mother quietly singing. I didn’t recognize the song, but one day I asked her what it was. She told me it was the song that was in her heart. I didn’t understand what she meant, but she just smiled, reached down and touched my cheek, and told me that one day my heart would have a song too, and that I would sing it. For years I waited for the song to magically appear in my heart, until one day I caught myself quietly singing. It wasn’t a song I’d heard on the radio, or some tune that had become stuck in my head, it was just a song; a song that somehow found its way into my heart, and I was singing it… this song, this gift of love from a mother to her daughter, and I remembered what a rare and beautiful flower she truly was.
1Steffy
wrote on 25 April 2007 at 16:56
Nina,
This brought very strong feelings to me and a welling inside. You know it is very odd this post would come up today. I was thinking how amazing you are as a person. You are very smart, creative, but most importantly you know who you are. TO me this is a rare thing. I do not encounter this often. For myself I feel I am working on this that you have already achieved. It has been a tough road but I am so happy to get closer to this goal. I feel I am not too far away. But yesterday and part of today when I got to read your new post I thought to myself very loudly…What kind of mother you must have had. I was thinking this initially because you are so very open and comfortable with yourself. SO I was wondering if you allowed to expore early on without judgment. I thought…hmmmm How was discipling for you growing up and were you relatively independent early on as a youngster?
From this post I know for sure know you mother was a amazing soul. I hope to be that kind of mother wiht so much humble and kind wisdom. Thank you so much for sharing such a personal and touching letter.
Big Hugs and Kisses,
Steffy
2Steffy
wrote on 25 April 2007 at 17:02
Oooops Nina I am so sorry…. I posted in past tense because I ment to express my thoughts as past thinking. SO when I say “I know your mother was amazing soul” It was a thought But I should have wrote…”is an amazing soul”…
I am so embaressed…..! Sorry about that!
Love,
Steffy
3nina
wrote on 25 April 2007 at 17:22
Steffy,
Thank you sweetheart for sharing your thoughts with me. You always humble me with such praise and kindness, and I am grateful for your friendship and it makes me happy that you’ve found so much in my words. I have always wanted my online space here to reflect the kind of world and life I have built for myself in the real world. Things like calm, serene, quiet wisdom are things which are part of my everyday life. And while I may discuss and write about many different topics; from sex and sexuality to something about my mother, my hope is that the common thread of a supportive, calm and friendly environment would be carried throughout it all. So, even tho this is cyberworld, what you see here in this space is who I really am.
There are many reasons why I chose to write about my mother today, and without being completely specific because it isn’t something I’m quite ready to talk about, I’ll simply just say that whenever I am confronted with adversity or difficulty in life, I always turn to the things my mother taught me for guidance. I find that her simple wisdom is often the best thing to get me thru hard days.
As I said, my mother was a humble woman, very demure, quiet, but so graceful and so elegant in her own way. She had a peculiar beauty, a kind of striking appearance, with such a warm and tender way about her. And when she would mother her children (me, my sister and my two brothers), she would do it in such a way that we each all felt as tho we were the only person in the world who mattered to her. It was hard on her having four of us to chase after, but we each had our own special relationship with her that made us feel as tho we were each her only child. It was so strange, but that’s how it felt.
My parents were very strict tho. My Father was an officer in the USN, and at times it felt as tho our house was being run like a Trident Missile Boat! So yeah, discipline was definitely important to him! :biggrin:, but my Father was an amazing man. But it’s pretty safe to say that my parents really didn’t know what I was up to most of the time (like most kids!), but even tho they were strict, they were both so encouraging and supportive. I was a bit of a ‘daddy’s girl’, and he was very over protective of me, but he also taught me to think and to fight and to hold my own in an argument and be independent. That was so important to him that me and my sister knew how to take care of ourselves so we wouldn’t have to rely on a man for the basics. Things like education and self reliance were huge to him, and in many ways I’m probably a lot like my father, but as I got older, I learned to appreciate everything my mother taught me, and I’ve really worked hard to embrace those things and be more like she was. If I can say anything about my parents, its that I knew that they loved me. No one’s childhood is perfect, but at least I knew that, and that’s what really matters.
Thank you Steffy for your touching and heartfelt words. They mean everything to me.
xoxo,
nina
4nina
wrote on 25 April 2007 at 17:24
Steffy,
It’s okay sweetie, my parents both passed a few years ago. It’s okay tho. Don’t worry hon. :kissing:
xoxo,
nina
5Piper
wrote on 26 April 2007 at 5:52
That may be the most beautiful thing I’ve read about Mothers and Daughters. It can be a hard, trying relationship at times but special and magical nonetheless.
6tasha
wrote on 26 April 2007 at 9:14
beautiful. and live forever, she shall, for this wisdom she passed on to you, dear nina, is eternal. how incredibly beautiful.
this feminine space you’ve created is what it means to be a woman.
thank you for sharing.
xoxo,
tasha
7nina
wrote on 26 April 2007 at 15:17
Piper,
Thank you sweetheart. Your kind words have touched me deeply, and you’re quite right. I didn’t appreciate everything my mother tried to teach me until I was older, maybe not even until I became a mother myself. Somehow mothers and daughters always seem to have that tension. We always seem to see their failures and faults without looking at our own. I’m just happy that I was able to understand and remember everything she was, and everything she taught me.
Thank you my sweet friend,
xoxo,
nina
8nina
wrote on 26 April 2007 at 15:24
tasha,
Thank you so much for these kind words sweetheart. I like to think about how much she changed her life and how much she tried to teach her children. She truly was beautiful.
What touched me the most in your words was how you’ve understood everything I’ve tried to do in this space. How many names are we known by? How many names are we called in our lifetimes? Daughter, Mother, Sister, Girlfriend, Wife, Lover, Grandmother, Great-Grandmother, Aunt, and how many more? And we’re all each and every one of those things, and more. I’ve always wanted my space to reflect and honor each of these things in their own way, and in my own way. It is I who should thank you for sharing parts of yourself with me. You honor me by reading here and I thank you.
xoxo,
nina
9Richard
wrote on 26 April 2007 at 17:31
Nina: You know when I first found your blog, I had a lot in common with your Dad. The fact he fell in love with your Mom and brought her to the states speaks so much for him. Your family history doesn’t as I’m sure you know speak for all so called American GIs. You are so lucky to have wonderful parents, I would have loved to have met them.Nina, I love you and all you choose to share with us, your faithful readers. Never stop…… love Richard
10pile0nades
wrote on 27 April 2007 at 4:17
Nina,
I don’t know what to say here that’s not already been said. Your mother was and is so beautiful, there’s no need for a picture to know that.
Love,
Gary
11Mike
wrote on 27 April 2007 at 10:47
Nina,
I found your site by accident. I have read a few of your posts and I have to say this one really made me take a moment out my hectic day to think. It was a nice little break to think of my own past and a few special moments that make me smile and sometimes get a little choked up. Being a former New Englander, family there was very close, now all my parents kids are grown and we live all over the country with little interaction except for holidays, when usually it’s a phone call to wish them well. I miss the days when we were all together and really enjoyed each others company. Thanks for making me remember things I thought were gone.
Have a wonderful day.
Mike
12Angela
wrote on 27 April 2007 at 20:25
Isn’t it funny how fragile we hold the values that we are taught. As a mother and a woman my only hope is that the lives I touch will hold the memories and vaules as close.
HugKissSmile
~Angela
13nina
wrote on 27 April 2007 at 22:31
Richard,
Well, you’re quite right that a lot of American GIs went overseas and had girlfriends and left a few babies behind too. What’s so sad about this is that those children are shunned in their own society because they aren’t ‘pure’. This is true in Japan, Korea, and Vietnam. My Father was an amazing man, and he was everything to me. Tho it was always interesting (being that he was a Naval Officer) to hear him talk about WWII and how the Japanese should have won the Pacific Theater! hahaha! But I’m glad he brought my mother back to the US with him. Otherwise, I might never have been born! Thanks so much for the kind words my friend.
xoxo,
nina
14nina
wrote on 27 April 2007 at 22:32
Gary,
Thank you for this sweetie. She truly was beautiful, and thank you for being so sweet to her daughter!
xoxo,
nina
15nina
wrote on 27 April 2007 at 22:34
Mike,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me, and welcome to geishaland. I’m glad you’ve enjoyed reading my site, and I’m happy to know that this piece in particular touched you in a positive way. I think the lesson here is to make the most of the time you have with anyone in your life, because you never know how long anyone is going to be around. It’s very easy to say that, much harder to do, but it’s good to remember and try.
Thanks again, and I hope you continue to enjoy everything here in my journal.
xoxo,
nina
16nina
wrote on 27 April 2007 at 22:37
Hello Angela!
Oh I agree; I consider the things my mother passed onto me to be the most precious gifts anyone could ever give another. Her wisdom and understanding and compassion are ingrained in me and are a part of my everyday life now. Also too, as a woman and mother, I also hope that I can touch lives in the same way that my mother touched mine. What a wonderful gift that would be.
Thank you sweetie,
xoxo,
nina
17Loosey Goosey
wrote on 28 April 2007 at 2:46
Dear Nina, It’s been awhile since I read your post but today I read about your mom and it reminded of how special our moms were for showing us the world by coming from their villages and cities to the America. My mom has passed as well and I often think of her when I am in need of strength and believe me, lately, I have needed lots. :-) This past Saturday was her birthday and I celebrated by cooking as she never really got a chance to see me growing up as an adult. She was a musician and she plays an instrument called “Gu Zheng”, you might be familiar with it, it is also similar to the Japanese Koto. One day I will find one of her songs to send to you.
18nina
wrote on 28 April 2007 at 18:34
Hello Loosey,
I actually am familiar with that instrument. The Koto is a descendant of the Gu Zheng. Isn’t it interesting that (in Japan anyway) that women weren’t allowed to play the Koto, but they could play the Shamisen. Our mothers are so important to our lives, and as its often the case, we don’t appreciate their beauty until they’re gone. I too look back to the lessons of my mother when I am in need of strength. (I’ve needed a bit too!)
Thanks so much,
xoxo,
nina
19norman
wrote on 29 April 2007 at 12:34
Always a delight to visit with you, Nina.
I enjoyed reading about you, your father and mother, your earlier life as a child and young woman. I sent myself the Utube so I can send it from my email address. ‘Hot’. Very sweet. You make it oh-so irresistable to return and catch up with all the posts I’ve missed.
xoxo,
Norman
20nina
wrote on 29 April 2007 at 16:12
Hello Norman,
It’s always nice to see you visiting geishaland! How have you been?
Please come back when you have more time!
xoxo,
nina
21The English Courtesan
wrote on 5 May 2007 at 20:12
What a beautiful post Nina and thank you for sharing this. Have you ever heard Dvorak’s ‘Songs My Mother Taught Me’? It is one of my favourite pieces of music, perhaps because it says in music all the things I can’t say in words…
Livvy xxx
22nina
wrote on 7 May 2007 at 6:40
Dearest Livvy,
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me. I’ve been thinking about my mother lately, lots of reasons why, but I have. I’ve never heard that music but I imagine it must be lovely. Sometimes we can’t say things in words, even tho we write. Funny isn’t it? How those deep, profound emotions elude verbal expression.
Thank you sweetheart. I sincerely appreciated this comment.
xoxo,
nina
23nina
wrote on 7 May 2007 at 6:43
I’ve decided to close comments on this post for a time. It seems that it’s attracted the kind of attention which I generally like to avoid, tho I did enjoy a bit of amusement with a member of my fan club! I have also decided to remove that exchange. Things like that serve a purpose for a time, then aren’t necessary to keep around. Sadly, the attention just reinforces my decision to continue with my aggressive tactics because they work.
Thanks. I’m grateful to everyone who shared such lovely thoughts with me about such a special post.
nina
24nina
wrote on 7 May 2007 at 6:44
FYI: If you’d like more information about this, please feel free to email.