Murmurs and my Pink Umbrella
Murmurs. Quiet sounds in the darkness; the slight gasp which escapes my throat in that first moment when your mouth touches my skin. The sound of your heart beating as I lay my head across your chest. The low groans of ecstasy which build into cries and screams. Murmurs of life, of living, of beautiful agony. I listen to these murmurs, these quiet sounds of life, these little sounds my body 
makes every time you touch me. Murmurs also tell a different story; the soft whimper of death. The painful agony of loss, the fleeting memory which lives and dies in a single sigh, that memory of someone you once loved. Love begins with laughter, but dies with a murmur.
My thoughts are often like the water of my life. I’ve always felt a connection to water, perhaps born out of astrological omens under the sign of Cancer; always a part of me is water. My thoughts, like water; sometimes shallow and easily waded into, like the shoreline beaches you once went to as a little girl, and other times they are as deep and treacherous as the bottom of the ocean. And you swim in these thoughts willingly, even tho you don’t know why. Of all the elements, water is strongest. Water is life and death, pleasure and pain, and water is what rises and swells, ebbs and flows with the tides themselves, washing over us, taking us along its currents. I find these currents lately have been unpredictable, as they often are. These things; water and moon, have become more than just metaphors, they tell the story of who and what I am, and why everything you see on the surface is a reflection of what you’ve shown it, but underneath, is something else entirely. It is but another murmur.
I decided to take a couple of days away from geishaland to gather my thoughts a bit. I’ve been dealing with several on-going situations out here in cyberia which tend to become distractions if I allow them to take up too much space in my head. Tho, I was unprepared, disheartened, and essentially crushed to discover something about someone who I thought was my soul sister. What happened or who it is doesn’t matter. What does matter was the complete and total shock and pain I felt about my discovery. It was as if everything I am, no, it was as if everything I had revealed about myself had been taken from me and used for someone else’s benefit. I think there are certain things which are sacred, things which we might share with someone which should always be protected, even if things ultimately change in your relationship. I’m not sure why this happened, but I suspect that the lure of instant cyber-gratification was much too appealing to ignore for them. Perhaps we all adopt a personae out here in cyberia, and maybe it’s my own naiveté showing thru again, because even tho there are veils to all of us, things which we may portray in a more favorable light to be more appealing, essentially the person you read about here, these thoughts and ideas you see here, the opinions, the joy, the pain, all of it, is who I really am. I know some people enter cyberia with the idea of creating this mysterious shell, this idea of a person, and that’s fine. There really are no rules to doing this, and if there are, then it’s time to do something else; but for me, this was always about expressing who I am, and what I feel and think. I never saw any purpose in anything else. But, that’s not for me to decide for anyone else. There are things about my culture which are sacred to me too, and I use elements of that culture, sometimes as 
metaphors for larger ideas, but those too are sacred to me. I feel a deep and profound connection to my past and my culture, and to have that ripped away from me was something I couldn’t have prepared for.
Sometime around October of last year, I wrote something which I described as the Spirit of Geisha. When my site database was lost, it was one of the first things I republished, because it was so sacred to me. These ideas come from my own sexual core, and I used them as a means to describe the beauty of feminine sexual submission. They are as relevant to me today as they were when I first wrote about them. Like the water moves slowly around the globe, sometimes it takes me years to be able to articulate something with words, but they are things which I have felt for a lifetime. Water also holds many other symbolic meanings 
for me; it is what we use to make the tea we serve in the teahouse, it is the Sake we pour, it is the taste of our kiss, our love, our orgasm, our tears. All waters moving between bodies without form or boundary. These are my sacred waters.
It rained all day on Friday. I had quite a few errands to run, so I shut down my office early and gathered up my things and headed out the door. I was actually a bit excited that I got to take my new bright pink umbrella with me to keep my hair dry! One of the stops I had to make was the T-Mobile store because I was a bit late in paying my bill and I was picking up a surprise for my son. Yes, I do spoil him but he’s my baby. I bought him one of those Sidekicks (The Sidekick 3) so he can text his friends and listen to his music and it’s a much better phone than he’s been using.
I walked from my car towards the store; my pink umbrella carefully deployed as I looked down and watched the ripples my boots made in the puddles as I carefully tried to avoid the larger ones. The rain was coming down hard, creating running streams which followed the lines of the sidewalk and then disappeared into the drain in the street. As I got closer to the door, a young man stopped and watched me. He stood there for a moment and as I was about to shake off and close my umbrella, he reached for the door and opened it for me.
“Here you go miss” he nervously said to me.
“Oh! Thank you!” I smiled and replied.
(He called me Miss) 
Yes, it may be silly, but it made my day. It’s nice to be called Miss when one is clearly a Mrs. or even a Ms. It would seem as tho chivalry isn’t dead after all! He did follow me inside, and I caught him checking me out as I paid my bill and then picked out and had my son’s new Sidekick activated. I slipped the new phone into my bag and then left the store, stopping for a moment under the roof to watch the rain fall, listening to the sound it made as the water hit the pavement, and then, I opened my pink umbrella and quietly walked away in silence towards my car.
Saturday the sun shone brightly, and it was a good thing too because I had a ton of things to get done; errands, shopping, cleaning, and of course laundry. My son was thrilled with his new Sidekick and somehow it wound up that it was our turn to host the weekend sleepover. I had three growing boys in my house Saturday night who managed to eat and drink everything in sight, probably a good thing that I ordered them a few pizzas! They do behave pretty well tho considering their obnoxious age and size. They spend their time listening to that god-awful hip hop they like, playing video games, alternating between the Wii and the Xbox 360, and chatting on AIM with all their little girlfriends. My husband and I more or less retreated to our bedroom upstairs for some privacy, some movie watching, and some quiet intimacy. We both feel a little funny being exceptionally noisy with all those boys in the house! I think my son might be a bit embarrassed if his friends heard “Mom” yelling out “In the ASS! Fuck me in the ASS!!” for the whole neighborhood to hear. Mmmm, I think so. No kid really wants to hear their parents having sex do they?
So, a quiet night for us.
Stay Naked Sunday has been postponed because the boys were all still here, tho I think they went out a couple of hours ago. I did get up and cook them all breakfast like a good mom should, which actually was kind of nice. These moments don’t last forever do they?
New Things
Since I decided to take a few days away from geishaland to regroup a bit, I’ve been indulging myself in some new music. I’ve been on this Stéphane Pompougnac kick lately. He’s the French DJ who does the Hôtel Costes series which is very good. I recently told a friend that if Paris had a sound, this would be it. I picked up some other collections of his, including the Saks Fifth Avenue mix, Erotic Lounge: Sensual Passion V.2, and The Concorde Lounge. iTunes just added more of the Hôtel Costes mixes, so getting those was a breeze.
I haven’t been in the best of moods to write because of the aforementioned things, so I find it best not to try. My husband and I had a conversation about writing over the weekend. He’s been my best soundboard and critic in all the time that I’ve been publicly sharing my work. He described to me that whole idea of a writer being a tortured soul.
“But I don’t feel tortured” I said.
“Trust me. You are.” He replied.
I’ve been giving this some thought, and I’m not quite sure what he means by that, but I trust him implicitly. Maybe it will come to me at another time when I’m feeling better about things. Everytime I write, everytime I post something, I always ask myself if this will be the last thing I ever share. Will this be the end? Is it time to go? Have I said everything I wanted to say? Do I want to continue to deal with the cast of characters who occupy cyberia?
I don’t have answers for those questions right now. We’ll see how I feel about it tomorrow when the tides come in.
Enjoy your Stay Naked Sunday.
The Pink Umbrella by Harriet Jameson Pellizzari
1J
wrote on 29 April 2007 at 18:13
“Everything that you see on the surface is a reflection of what you show it…underneath is something…entilrely different.” A murmur.
What I see on the surface here is beautiful prose and shared insight and gentle humor and a simple joy. What lies beneath the surface, i wonder…perhaps I shall wander about, reading for clues.
I am sorry you were betrayed by a spirit you felt a kinship with here in ‘cyberia.’ I am new to posting my thoughts here, or relatively so. It is a place with great potential, to be sure, both positive and not so.
It is a wonderful place to find creative thinkers and writers, if you have the patience to find them, or the happy chance to stumble across them, as I have here. And yes, I stopped for the kissing Japanese girls, but I came back for the literacy!
As for your son…my children have been acclimated to the noisy sexual habits of their parents…my son jokes about it, when his friends shudder at the idea of ‘walking in’ on their parents, he will laugh and say,’Oh, you get used to it…after awhile.’
Better that than some of the alternatives, I say.
I hope you keep writing here, at least long enough to allow me further browsing. -J
2Richard
wrote on 29 April 2007 at 19:09
Dear Nina: If you decide to never write this blog again, I will understand. I do want you to know, that I consider myself a better person for finding your site,and consider you a wonderful friend and above all a wonderful human being.
It is always so crushing to one’s soul to be deceived by a so called friend!! Take a break Nina, you deserve it, and you owe nothing to no one in that vast area known as cyberspace. your friend always, and forever Richard
3Steffy
wrote on 29 April 2007 at 21:57
Nina,
Everytime I read here I know this all might go away. I think this because I truly beleive you represent yourself very honestly in this sacred place. Because of your honesty in who you are, many HAGS (not sure if they are around you or all in cyberland) will become jealouse. And you are exposed as a true person and not a persona. You are your beautiful self. It is such a special treasure I have gotton to read all that you have wrote. I so dearly hope you don’t ever ever ever stop writing. But I also know there is only so much a person can take. I am not sure what is going on but it sounds like a lot of Shit has happend all the way from the start. It makes me mad these horrible people defile and decieve you. However in my negative thinking it seems so damn common….especially when you are so very open.
You continue to touch my soul! It is just so upsetting because all of us who dearly love your work and the person you are … want to know more and more and read more and more. And deep down inside I know these horrible people are pushing this away.
I am soooo very sorry you have had a run of luck with shitty people. I have always known, like many people who read here what a gem you and your site is!!! Your person shines through all the words and I haven’t found another blog that does that! It is called talent and beauty all in one. As much as you inspire on the opposite end is envy. It makes me sad. I hope you feel better very soon…
Big Squeeshy Hugs,
Steffy
4Steffy
wrote on 29 April 2007 at 22:00
I got a little wraped up in my upsetness I wanted to say …Isn’t having a pink umbrella super!!! I too have one with small ruffles around the edge and on triangle area part is clear while the rest is Hello Kitty pink. I adore it!! My oldest daughter has a matching one but smaller! I feel sooooo girly when I get to use it! I loooove being a girl!! It is sooo fun!
Kisses,
Steffy
5M:e
wrote on 30 April 2007 at 2:39
Oh sweety, I’m so sad to hear you’ve been betrayed by one you thought you could trust and considered a friend. That takes some time to get over. No wonder you’ve taken a little time out.
In my years of reading the blogs, it seems that its always the ones who keep it real who disappear eventually. There could be all sorts of reasons for that. Maybe if we use our blogs to ‘process’ there just becomes less and less to say, maybe we get to a stage where we just want to live our lives without being so vulnerable or, in living our lives, there simply just isn’t the time.
Whatever the reasons, I agree with the comments already left here. For as long as its right for you to write here, there will be those whose lives you touch with your beautiful words. When the time is no longer right, those of us who have truly understood the essence of nina will understand that too.
love and hugs xxx
6saratoga
wrote on 30 April 2007 at 9:32
Hi Nina-
Sorry to hear of yet another cyber-betrayal.
I guess I go back to writing for my own reasons. I happened to reread one of my blogs about that, when you first left a substantive comment on mine, back in November (wow, that’s 5 months ago already!).
I understand if, for your life and reasons for writing, you close your blog.
However, is it necessary that your blog writing is linked to how you deal with those who find you and seek to become close to you because of it?
I have some, like you, who do become close. Others try, but somehow give off a whiff of danger, or shallowness, and don’t get very close to me.
While I can grasp the link you describe, I’m just not sure it is so necessary. Or perhaps it is for you, and that is why the incident affects your choices about the blog so much.
xoxox
-saratoga
7JW
wrote on 30 April 2007 at 11:29
Oh twell, such is life on the intertubes.
Like the guy on Hill Street Blues (yes, I must confess, I was born at a very early age. ;-) ) used to say, “Be careful out there”. Just remember, conoscenza sapienza tolleranza (acquaintance wisdom tolerance)
Hmmm, tortured soul, eh. Seems kinda extreme. I would have guessed that something that gives you so much pleasure isn’t quite what I would describe as a “tortured soul”. Otherwise, I’d tell you, “Just keep writing. Eventually, you’ll break through the surface and tap into the marrow.” Nope, not here.
As far as kids, don’t ask him what he wants. He might say, “I wanna watch.” No, not the kind that tells time. ;)
Dammit. Another example of great taste in music. Minx!
8Peter Johnson
wrote on 30 April 2007 at 11:31
Dear Nina,
I’m sorry to hear of your recent mental pain/anguish over finding out something about a soul sister you thought you knew so well.
As JFK once said…”This too shall pass”. It’s always a bummer to learn something negative about someone you thought you knew.
I enjoy your site a lot-and I hope you bounce back soon.
Respectfully and Sincerely,
Pete
9Carol
wrote on 30 April 2007 at 13:33
Betrayal — yikes, just happened to me on Saturday. I was wondering who I could talk to about it, and it sounds like there is some sympathy here. :-)
I was out with a friend, someone with whom I had discussed an idea of something we could do together, which was to make coordinating outfits to wear to a fairy festival. (Ok, stop giggling!) A couple weeks ago, she said she wanted to do something else. No big deal there. Saturday she gleefully told me that she told “everyone I know” about what I was planning to do. When I expressed annoyance, I got the “YOUR problem” “MY problem” speech.
I realize what MY problem is. I thought she understood that I do not want any of my plans or ideas broadcast to other people. I thought she understood that, when an idea is in its early stages, one does not announce it. I thought she was someone in a similar situation as I am, and that we had some shared understandings.
MY problem is, I thought she was a friend.
I don’t have much patience for gossips. It is human nature to talk about other people. But then there are people for whom information is their social currency. The people who MUST be the first to know something. Those who steal the joy from someone sharing that she is newly engaged or pregnant and gets the response, “I heard, Nebby told me this morning.” They just don’t get it, that they are taking something away from somebody else.
Ultimately their victims figure it out and stop giving them information. Whether it’s a joyous announcement or a snippy comment about someone, I tell it to the people I trust. When that is eroded, I feel a bit more isolated, and less likely to share.
It’s a shame because, Nina, you are a fascinating person who not only has things to say, but also a very skillful way with words when you say it. It’s a rare gift, and I hope you will continue sharing it with us.
-Carol
10nina
wrote on 30 April 2007 at 16:45
J,
Thank you for such lovely compliments.
” What I see on the surface here is beautiful prose and shared insight and gentle humor and a simple joy. What lies beneath the surface, i wonder…perhaps I shall wander about, reading for clues.”
And that is exactly what you’re supposed to see. It is said that beauty and agony live side by side, and what you see here is the beauty. What you don’t see is the agony, and what I mean by agony is a lifetime of experience, both good and bad, joy and pain, which all comes together as the person you see here. People have a tendency to see what they want to see, and that’s perfectly fine. It’s rare when someone sees beyond that and for women, it’s very important to us that we feel as tho we’re truly seen for who we are.
Cyberia is an interesting place, tho I’m beginning to believe that the rarities are fewer and further between. Perhaps I’ve become a bit cynical and that’s what truly hurts me because I’m not cynical or negative by nature, but my collective experiences in cyberia have if anything, caused me to be far less trusting and be more careful about who I allow into my life or to even get close to me. That too is against my nature.
All of this is wrapped in the ideas and life of geisha, because like the geisha, she shows you everything you could ever desire, yet to understand what brought her there is something few if any could ever understand.
Perhaps I’m being a bit of a drama queen with all this, but then again, maybe you need to be a girl to really get it, but that’s okay.
Thank you again for such kind words and wonderful compliments. They are most appreciated.
xoxo,
nina
11nina
wrote on 30 April 2007 at 16:52
Dear Richard,
You my friend have been reading my words for a very long time, almost since the beginning, and I have always appreciated and enjoyed your friendship and company. I am touched that you feel as tho you are a better person because of me and my words. That is the most precious gift anyone could ever give me. I am truly humbled and honored to call you my friend.
I think I have learned more about human nature in a year plus of keeping my journal than I have in my entire lifetime. It seems as tho I’ve seen everything out here, and sadly I can’t say that much of it makes me very happy. What was crushing to me was that someone so carelessly took what I gave so freely, what I shared so willingly, things which I hold sacred, and they’ve turned around and have tried to claim them as their own. And as I said above, maybe I’m being hyper-sensitive, or maybe I’m being a bit of a drama queen, but the knowledge that someone I trusted and believed in is involved in this was simply a crushing blow. But, I’ll recover. I’ll just have to be more careful about who I choose to call soul sister in the future.
Thank you sweetheart,
xoxo,
nina
12nina
wrote on 30 April 2007 at 17:04
Darling Steffy,
Thank you for this, and for your lovely email. I haven’t had a chance to respond to that yet but I will.
No, this is all from cyberia interestingly enough! Everyone in my real world life is just fine and wonderful, couldn’t be better in fact! So why is it that when we come out here into cyberia that the rules change? Is it because it’s just so damn easy to pretend to be something you aren’t? Is it just so easy for people to live double lives that they just think they can do whatever they want without consequences? And I mean, this is cyberia, I don’t make the rules here, no one does. People can do whatever they want and be whoever they want, but when they start involving themselves in other people’s lives and when they influence and affect other people’s lives in an adverse way, then it’s gone too far. I know of so many women who have become involved with guys on the internet only to find out that he’s got a wife and kids at home when he told her he was single! I mean it’s just crazy! That’s the kind of thing I’m talking about. And when someone becomes part of your life, and let’s not underestimate or diminish how powerful cyber relationships or cyber friendships are, because they really do become part of our lives, but when all of that is built on falsehood… ugh. It just sucks.
What has me all wound up is how things which are fundamental to my identity as a human being have been subverted and used as if they’re just there for the taking. Maybe its because so many people out here are just playing a role that they assume everyone else is too. So that makes it okay? I don’t think so. What does give me comfort tho is that no matter what people choose to call themselves or whatever online personae they adopt, they may find that its much harder to walk the walk than talk the talk.
Oh I don’t know. Maybe I’m being a complete and total drama queen. I need to think long and hard about the future and what it is that I want to do, and what it is that I still think I can accomplish. Hard questions right now for me.
But I do appreciate your kind caring and your friendship sweetie. It means the world to me.
(And yes, I love my pink umbrella too!)
xoxo,
nina
13nina
wrote on 30 April 2007 at 17:13
M:e my sweet,
I keep asking myself “Is it me?”, because I seem to have had more than my fair share of internet bullshit, but when you say: ” In my years of reading the blogs, it seems that its always the ones who keep it real who disappear eventually.” it makes me stop and think. You know, I know of so many people, mostly women, who create so many “blogging identities” that it’s almost impossible to keep track of it all. They use one identity and blog for one thing, and another identity and blog for something else. Who on earth has the head to keep up with that many multiple personalities! I’m beginning to understand that for people like that, all of this is just a game. They don’t take the people they encounter out here serious or handle anyone else with care because they don’t take themselves serious. In some cases I can understand why some people would need or want to keep certain things about themselves private or anonymous; say if you have a sex blog and a business blog; but my issue is when people start getting involved with other people’s lives based on lies and deception.
Maybe the real lesson here is to just be careful about who you let into your life, and I’ll confess, all of these experiences have really caused me to retreat and pull back from so many people because I have no idea who or what is real and I have no idea who or what I can trust anymore. All of this goes against my nature, so that’s why I’m at a real crossroads about whether or not I want to continue. I mean, sure, I can continue to write and express myself, but if there’s no one to make the connection with, then I can keep a diary and tuck it between my sheets and keep it for myself. So, I don’t know yet what I want to do.
I’m sure it will come to me. You know what I find so interesting tho? There are those out there who would delight in seeing me close down my journal, the same ones who have nothing but negative things to say about me, but who can’t seem to stop themselves from reading! Insipid indeed.
Thank you sweetie, I’m sure I’ll figure it all out.
xoxo,
nina
14nina
wrote on 30 April 2007 at 17:21
saratoga,
Oh there’s a lot of truth to that. And I know when I gave you that advice you really needed to hear that.
I haven’t quite decided yet. I’m still thinking it over. You asked the question:
” is it necessary that your blog writing is linked to how you deal with those who find you and seek to become close to you because of it?”
The answer to that is a little complicated. The short answer is no. I write for myself, but I share what I write with others because it brings me joy. To me the reward is in touching someone else, in bringing someone else joy or happiness. This is why I have chosen this medium, and also because I enjoy making these connections. There will always be those who want more than I’m prepared to give, but unfortunately what I’m dealing with now is like cleaning up old messes and old mistakes. When I wrote my post about Cyber Aphasia it was the beginning of my own healing process. I used to be “part of the group” and whether the group left me or whether I left the group is a matter of interpretation, but I’m no longer part of the group. And you know what? I survived and have done quite well, much to their chagrin. It isn’t necessary to be recognize or approved of by the self anointed Sex Blogging Elite, but when I was part of a group, I shared so much with them, that some of that has come back to haunt me. I learned many lessons, and I now guard myself with much more vigilance, and I’m very careful about who I get close to now. Live and learn I suppose.
” While I can grasp the link you describe, I’m just not sure it is so necessary. Or perhaps it is for you, and that is why the incident affects your choices about the blog so much.”
Well, and I mean no disrespect by this, maybe you need to be a woman to understand why it matters so much.
Thank you as always for your kindness and your friendship sweetie.
xoxo,
nina
15nina
wrote on 30 April 2007 at 17:25
JW,
I’m not quite sure what my husband meant by that. Maybe he was talking about how personal this has all been for me. When we reveal so much about ourselves, maybe we truly become attached to the words. I don’t know for sure. I’m planning on asking him what he meant.
Oh I knew you’d like my new music! haha! Yes, I’ve got some new things!
Thanks sweetie,
xoxo,
nina
16nina
wrote on 30 April 2007 at 17:28
Peter,
Thank you, that is truly very sweet and is most sincerely appreciated. Thank you.
xoxo,
nina
17nina
wrote on 30 April 2007 at 17:33
Carol,
I have been yelling “Yes! Yes! Yes!” ever since I read this comment! See? This is what I mean about needing to be a woman to understand things like this. And you know, maybe I am being a bit of a drama queen, but these things really hurt! We want to trust the women in our lives because those friendships are so important to us, and when that trust has been betrayed it just throws us into a tizzy that is most difficult to recover from! So yes, I completely understand everything you’ve shared with me, and I understand why you were so hurt and angry!
All of my cyber experiences have been eye opening in a lot of ways. And I’m not sure what I want to do next. Tho I suspect that I’ll get over it eventually and come back out of my shell, but I truly have become much more guarded and careful about making friendships online. It seems as tho every friendship I’ve made has had some bizarre twist to it somehow, and like I told M:e, I’ve asked myself the question… “Well, maybe its me” but I don’t think it is. I mean, is it so hard to just be nice to people? Is it so hard to just be a friend and be kind and compassionate to people? It always seems like everyone wants something, like there’s always a “what’s in it for me” angle to everything. Ugh, and I hate being cynical too. Maybe some down time might be a good idea. Who knows.
Thank you so much for your kind words and compliments. They mean the world to me.
xoxo,
nina
18JW
wrote on 30 April 2007 at 19:47
Well. I’ll call your music and raise you some art.
Sabzi
Nikolai Blokhin
John Carroll Doyle
And some Julian Opie
19nina
wrote on 30 April 2007 at 19:55
JW,
Ooo!!! I love it!
Okay. I feel better now. hahaha!
Thank you sweetie, these are great finds!
xoxo,
nina
20JW
wrote on 30 April 2007 at 20:39
Do a search on Jia Lu and Michael Flohr. Also a couple of my faves. Enjoy!
21nina
wrote on 30 April 2007 at 20:53
JW,
Will do sweetie! Thanks!
xoxo,
nina
22pile0nades
wrote on 1 May 2007 at 3:59
Nina,
Why do people do these things to you? Here’s a thought. Maybe they simply refuse to believe how amazingly friendly and wonderful and real you are, seeing it as a threat to their, um, .. “e-religion” (something like that), like extreme right-wingers are threatened by gay marriage.
I love how amazingly beautiful you are Nina, and am very glad to have you as a friend.
Love,
Gary
23nina
wrote on 1 May 2007 at 6:13
Gary,
Oh sweetie! Short answer? Because people are selfish. They take whatever they see without any care or thought to how it might make someone feel. They treat everything as if its disposable and without any respect at all.
Yes, a threat to their e-religion. A very good way to put it. Tho I’ve decided that I’m not going anywhere, and if this is how it is, then this is how it is. I am still me, and I needed to be reminded of that. But I suppose anyone can look something up on Wikipedia and then play make believe. Whatever. Imitation the sincerest form of flattery? I think its lame.
I needed to be reminded of ‘Water’ Gary. “Water can carve its way, even through stone. And when trapped, water makes a new path.”
It’s time to make a new path.
Thanks sweetie,
xoxo,
nina
24tasha
wrote on 1 May 2007 at 12:35
nina,
your words are sacred. you write in the vein of many serious, time-honored, and timeless successors. your words deserve physical publishing. your female voice is priceless, and i hate to think of people, especially people masquerading a cherished friends, stealing your words. your site is so beautiful, i adore it, i adore everything you have to say and share. but i would understand if this form of sharing is no longer for you.
as an artist myself, i have never had the courage to place my work in cyberia for fear of thieves.
*****
although i haven’t tried it, some music you may be interested in, if you haven’t heard of him, in terms of the ohmibod, is amon tobin. he is a dj based in london, brazilian-born, and he creates some amazing tunes, melding samba jazz and down-tempo hip-hop. i think your girlparts would dig.
xoxo,
tasha
25saratoga
wrote on 1 May 2007 at 13:40
Nina-
No offense taken. There probably is a gender difference. I’m a big believer in the reality of such differences.
Whatever your choice, I hope we remain friends.
xoxoxo
-saratoga
26nina
wrote on 1 May 2007 at 20:16
tasha,
Thank you so much for these kind words and supporting encouragement. It is truly most appreciated. I’m not sure where my path will take me, water never truly knows, but I am sure the universe knows where she wants me and will put me there. Whether I choose to publish in another form, continue here, or even do both, I cannot yet say. There are days where I find that I’m very tired and I just want to recede away, and then there are days where I move with the force of a tsunami. (But I’ll tell you, when I get angry I tend to recede for a moment and then explode with the force of the tsunami… I’m not known for my mild temper after all!)
This wasn’t a case of someone stealing my words. I want to be clear. If someone stole my words there are ways to deal with that, and it has happened to me twice before, so that’s an easy one. This was something else. This was someone who knew me, who knew what I was all about, who knew everything I had tried to do with this form of expression, who then went and basically tried to copy everything I’ve achieved by using things which are personal and endemic to who I am as a woman (my culture, my experience, my thoughts and ideas) and basically tired to duplicate it for themselves. What I think this really comes down to is that someone, or a group of someones, saw my site as a success, and basically they’re jealous of that success, so in an attempt to be either as successful or more successful or whatever it is they think means being successful, they’ve tried to copy what I’ve done, perhaps hoping that they will be successful too. But that’s a very flawed premise to begin with! I’m an individual! My voice is my own! My expression is my own! Are they so stupid to believe that people read me because of something other than the fact that I speak with my own voice? No, what they’ve done is gone and ripped off my aesthetics and my style without any of the fucking substance. Am I angry? Oh yes. I’m furious. And the reason I’m furious is because one of the women who has gone and supported this should have goddamn known better. Why? Because she was supposed to be my friend, and she did know better.
Maybe I should be flattered to be so imitated. Maybe I should be humbled that these people thought so much of me, my site, and my voice that they sought to mimic all of these things, but I’m strangely not… and the reason I’m not is because their reasons for such surreptitious duplicity isn’t to honor me or my culture or what I believe in… no, they want what I have built here for themselves, for purely selfish reasons. And that is my problem, because it not only disrespects me, it disrespects my culture.
Good lord, I’ve gone and rambled here now haven’t I?
Hey! Thanks for the recommendation on Amon Tobin! Some of his stuff is available on iTunes and I’ve checked some of it out! It’s very good! I think my girlparts will be very happy!!! Thank you!
Thank you sweetie for your kind words and for allowing me to vent.
xoxo,
nina
27nina
wrote on 1 May 2007 at 20:21
saratoga,
I believe we will be friends. You have always treated me with respect and our friendship is based on such mutual respect, even tho we’re very different people with very different lives. Respect transcends all of those things.
Perhaps the gender difference is what keeps things interesting for all of us, don’t you think?
Thank you sweetheart, for your friendship and more.
xoxo,
nina
28Adam Narcross
wrote on 1 May 2007 at 23:00
I’m not very good with suggesting the best way to cope with painful experiences. I try in my own way to find the proper words that might help. When I read all of the comments here, I cannot imagine that I could do better. I’m not sure I’m eloquent enough articulate myself with as much beauty.
Perhaps this is the flip side of the best aspects of being a source of sustainable praise is also to be the source for sustainable heartache. Betrayals of any stripe tend to reflect badly on those of us that want to project that cyberspace isn’t all crooks and backstabbers.
For myself, I know that I think very highly of you. I respect you greatly as do so many people whose lives you’ve had a positive effect on.
Often in the midst of our day to day lives, especially when we’re disappointed with one thing or another, its hard to recognize the positive impacts at all.
At LSD we tend to reference you and your site frequently. Our position is that we name source material as honestly as we can and explain why it is crucial to give credit to anyone that inspires what is created from that source.
If this is something that is difficult for others to do, because of jealousy. Many times its meant to break the confidence of the people of persons with whom they envy.
Given that I am somewhat familiar with some of the issues (I think). And judge it prudent not to speculate at the potential risk of its details… I say don’t give up.
Easier said than done in most cases. Maybe its because I’m so used to fighting to get to where I am, I’m used to mendacity in most of its varied forms.
The few times I actually find that I’m depressed is only when I look back and realize too much of my adult life seemed to consist of fighting and struggling against bigots, politicians, religious fanatics, and people whom feel threatened with any art that doesn’t promote what is thought to be acceptable by someone else’s standards.
I feel I know real beauty when I see it, and I see it in you. I don’t mean the obvious beauty that shows on the surface, but a transcendential beauty that needs to be nourished and not abused. You arrived during my wanderings a long time ago and created a small spark that got me doing things I too infrequently do.
Write purple prose.
I’ve not written much since then. Though I’ve drawn a lot more since.
Perhaps its time to do more writing again. When I think back to the first time I read you and feel the sensation of literary creation stirring, I also think its because I was inspired too.
The girls encourage me to contribute writing, but its you and what you do here that convinces me to shed my uncertainty and give it a shot.
Don’t give up Nina,
Listen to a song by Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush. I think its familiar to you. Listen to it, and really let its message inside.
They say these things far better than I.
Adam Narcross
29nina
wrote on 1 May 2007 at 23:46
Adam,
Oh sweetheart, you just did. Thank you so much for these kind words and all of your support and encouragement. What you have suggested is very wise; if we accept beauty into our lives, then we must also be prepared to recognize ugliness. All things in the universe function on the principle of balance, a yin to the yang, and when I think long and hard about how much of myself that I’ve put out for the world to see, then it’s easy to understand how and why these things happen. My anger surrounding this entire episode isn’t what people might think. It isn’t because of the larger elements, like being ripped off… it’s the hurt I feel that someone I trusted, cared for, and dare I say loved as a sister, would be so cruel and so selfish. You begin to ask yourself, “why do I give at all?” And I think the simple answer is that the reward is in the giving itself. This has always been my greatest source of joy, and what has brought me such hurt was that I felt that the gifts I gave this person were cherished, and clearly they were not.
Does that mean we stop giving? No, but perhaps we’re more careful about who we give our gifts to in the future.
To know that I have touched your life Adam in some small way is the best gift you could ever give me, and I am grateful. I have always been grateful that you, and everyone at LSD, has always honored me and have cherished the gifts which were offered, and I know that they were valued and understood.
Giving up. It sounds like such defeat you know? Maybe not giving up Adam, but maybe a time for more changes. I’m still thinking, but your encouragement gives me the strength to reevaluate all of it again, and maybe, just maybe, stay in the game.
Thank you sweetheart, for everything.
love,
nina
30norman
wrote on 3 May 2007 at 7:24
May 2nd,
Dear Nina,
I’ve not much to add. You and your admirers (among whom I count myself as being one) have touched on many of its aspects: ‘identity’, ‘authenticity’ ‘vulnerability’ on the internet, a world you denote as ‘cyberia’ -it is a venue where people become visible and also can play hide and seek, dissemble, take on all kinds of masks and personae.
It is the penultimate masque ball.
You are a singularity. You are Nina who is also the exemplification of ‘The Geisha’ There is a duality, a yin-yang. The actual you, the uncompartmentalized self and also the so many attributes: daughter, sister, wife, mother, friend, lover, and hostess of a truly wonderful web site. You are the she, the whole whbo is in tghe real Now World greater than any summing of its facets.
Plato described it” There is the meta reality of eternal ideas and the meta reality of our existential evolving selves.
You will arrive at each Now as you have done before: intact. Not to say you haven’t been in harm’s way or not the scars…. Such is life. Were I French I’d say this with a shrug. :-)
I love you.
You inspire me.
Norman
31nina
wrote on 3 May 2007 at 17:17
Hello Norman!
The Penultimate Masquerade Ball… what a remarkable way to look at it, thank you!
Your comments as always Norman touch me and humble me. I wish I had more to offer in response to thank you, but I’m on sabbatical! lol! Well, only for a week, but I plan to enjoy it! I’m taking tomorrow thru Monday off, and then I’ll be back next week!
Thank you sweetheart,
xoxo,
nina