Weekend Wrap Up: What’s your kink baby?
Monday morning… ugh.
Okay, it isn’t that bad. Despite making a real attempt to go back to work today, I’m looking for any excuse to put it off and continue my long stretch of goofing off. Well, some of it has been goofing off. The rest has been me in my emotional black hole, my Cancerian shell shock autonomic response to personal adversity, my river in Iraq call de-nial. That isn’t to suggest that I fold under pressure. I don’t. I just hide my emotions very well when I am under pressure, and the last few weeks qualify as a trip to the murky bottom of the psychological ocean. And you thought Paris Hilton was fucked up? Spend a day in my four inch stiletto heeled matte black thigh highs and see how you feel. But, the good news (sort-of) is that I’m back on summer schedule, meaning that my days are now going to be divided between trying to do my job and managing to mother my son. No small task for sure, but at least I’m not on Prozac and walking around the city screaming at strangers and buildings; but I do have one small problem….the lesbians next door have found out about my extensive collection of sex toys.
This isn’t an end of the world run to the safe house moment by any real stretch of the imagination, but it’s kind of like finding out that your parents were into group sex in their younger years, or that your new best girlfriend Charlene used to be a truck driver named Chuck… no, scratch that. It’s nowhere near that bad. But it is awkward as all hell.
We tend to keep things like our sexual proclivities and our personal kinks confined to our own bedrooms, shared with a select few friends, or unless you’re like me (and many others); a professional serial attention seeker with a terminal case of narcissism, you take it out onto the internet and just throw it out there for the whole world to read (more on that some other time), but my point being, we don’t exactly tell the neighbors over coffee or barbeque, “Oh hey! Did I tell you that my husband ball-gagged me last night and whipped my ass with a flogger for a couple of hours? Yeah it was great! So, did you watch the Sopranos?” No, it doesn’t work that way does it? So what do you do when your neighbors find out just how twisted and bendy your kinky ass really is… like mine did?
Well, you think up a good cover story, and fast too!
I suppose I should back up if I’m to truly tell this story correctly… I have to set the scene a bit.
Saturday afternoon my husband and I were doing some work in our bedroom. Painting, cleaning, moving around some furniture so that our bed sits under the skylight a little nicer and the central air vents aren’t as obstructed as they had been. Heat does rise you know, and good lord do I hate summer weather. So our project was to move some things around, throw a new coat of paint on the walls and ceiling and basically just spruce our slumber-slash-love nest up a bit. Okay, I’ve been nagging my husband to do this for months now, and it still isn’t painted yet, but we’ll get back to that another time.
So it’s no big secret around here that I have a lot of sex toys. I have more sex toys than any other single woman I know, and it isn’t as if I also suffer from nymphomania in addition to my other random psychosis, I just happen to really like sex and sex toys, and a lot of them were given to me quid pro quo for professional reasons like reviews and such, so it isn’t like I bought all of them is it? No, of course not, but, okay, I have a lot of sex toys. Did I say that already?
I’ve got vibrators. Just name it and it lives in my drawer. I’ve got rabbits. I’ve got dildos. I’ve got clit vibes, finger vibes, anal vibes, vibes that beat to the music, vibes that blow up when the cell phone rings, vibes for my vibes. I’ve got more cocks in my house than a San Francisco bathhouse, of all shapes, sizes, and colors too. I’ve got a cock for every occasion. Big dicks, medium dicks, (they don’t really make small dicks, unless you count the penis head gag I also own… um, nevermind about that…), I’ve got butt plugs, anal beads, nipple clamps, nipple rings, whips, crops, binders, spreaders, and the collection just keeps on growing. In fact, I could use a different sex toy every single day of the month and still not use them all.
The problem?
I’ve saved every single box and package.
I know. Call it some weird OCD or something, but I just couldn’t bear to throw them away, so they’ve been accumulating in an ever shrinking corner of my walk in closet for months now. And of course the packaging is designed to help sell the toy, so there’s almost always a sexy picture of a woman in the absolute throes of delight seen using whatever the toy happens to be, and, well, I just saved them. I don’t know why.
So as I’m nagging the hell out of my husband to get up and paint my bedroom, he decides to turn the tables on me and starts bitching about having no room in the closet for any of his things because it’s become my sex toy box storage annex and he’s had enough. It’s time to throw them away.
I stop and look him over… the Mexican stand-off in full swing… who will blink first… me or him? I quickly conclude that pouting isn’t going to work this time. Tears? Maybe. Nah. He’ll see right thru that one.
“Fine. Throw them away.” I snap at him, silently hoping that he’ll back down and acquiesce to my neurosis about the sex toy boxes.
“Good! It’s about goddamn time!” He snaps back.
Fuck. Oh well… maybe it’s time to lose the boxes. I guess he really wants some room in the closet.
I sulk a bit as my husband comes back up the stairs with his smug “yeah I won this one” attitude, complete with garbage bags. Did I mention that they’re clear plastic garbage bags? That’s important later. Remember it.
So I watch and pretend not to care as he ventures into the closet and starts throwing boxes out the door as I helplessly watch from the bed. All my friends I think to myself… with names like eight inch realistic black dildo… and ten inch vibrating supercock… and iVibe Rabbit Vibrator…
He stops for a second and spies me sulking on the bed.
“nina… it isn’t as if you can return them to the fucking store you know…”
“It’s fine… just go ahead.” I answer and watch as he fills up two trashbags (clear plastic) with boxes and boxes, each one representing an assortment of juicy orgasmic bliss and sexual satisfaction. Then I realize what a nutcase I really am and get up and help him finish, finally noticing that, “wow… I have more room in my closet now!”
I suppose he didn’t plan it that way, but did I mention that I have a ton of shoes too?
Trash day in our end of the world is on Monday morning, and it didn’t dawn on me at the time of the big cleanout that these were clear plastic trashbags when my husband carried them out to the barrels on Saturday. So as I said goodbye to my memories, I watched my husband carry the bags out to the trash and never gave it a second thought.
“Hey nina…” my husband called up the stairs to me about ten minutes later as I lay across my bed, perfectly faking a despondent emotional crisis.
“What?” I answered, hoping he’d come back upstairs and see me all slumped over and frumpy grumpy.
“Um… I just saw Audrey…”
…and then it hits me. The ice cold sweat rises up along my neck as I realize with horror what he’s exactly saying to me. The deed is done. The clear plastic. The boxes. Two trashbags full of sex toy boxes! My whole life! GOOD LORD NO! NOT AUDREY! Why the fuck couldn’t it have been that bratty paper boy from down the road?? ‘What have you done?!?!’ my mind screams out as if I were pounding my fists into the sand as the visage of a broken statue of liberty rises out of an apocalypic beach head.
“Next door Audrey???” I yelled as I jumped to my feet.
“Um… yeah…”
“Next door LESBIAN AUDREY???” I screamed.
“Um… yeah…”
“Oh that’s just fucking great. Did she see you???” I demanded.
“Um… yeah…”
“Did she see the trashbags???”
“Um…’fraid so…” he laughed.
Now I was pissed.
“You asshole! What did she say???”
“Well… she was washing her pickup truck you know… and she just kind of waved at me… “ he paused… “and then she came over to say hi.”
My next question, while perhaps not the first thing on my mind was maybe the most crucial.
“Did she see what was in the bags?”
“She did” he answered in a deadpan tone.
“Did she fucking say anything to you???”
“Uh… no… not exactly… she just kind of looked down at the bags and then looked at me… then back at the bags… then back at me… and she gave me this ‘oh the poor girl’ look… like I beat you or something…and you know… but it’s cool…I think she hates me tho…”
“She doesn’t hate you… she hates your penis. Oh my god… how am I supposed to leave the house now????”
“No.. no… its cool… it’s cool. I asked her if she would come over and help me fix that plumbing problem in the basement… its cool.”
“You didn’t!?!?!?!?!”
“Um….”
“Jeff… did you???”
“No.”
You see, Audrey, while being a wonderful neighbor is a bit too butch for my own personal girl-girl tastes. Her wife, Jennifer, is a bit more to my liking, a bit more lipstick, which I go for, but it isn’t as if I want to have sex with my lesbian neighbors either! But now my dirty little secret is out and I’m left wondering what to say to them when I bump into them while gardening or carrying in the groceries. It isn’t as if you tell your neighbors that you’re bisexual and have a girlfriend when you first meet them, if you ever tell them at all, but now I feel like I have to explain the boxes to four dozen sex toys that my husband insisted needed to be thrown out just so he could have room in the closet to keep his stupid camping gear. That ass.
And now I sit here nervously, watching the garbage collectors pick up my barrels lined up neatly by the curb, hoping they won’t notice, because if they do, the whole damn town will know that I’m a freak and we can’t have that now can we? Whatever will they say about me at the PTA meetings?
Thank goodness for summer vacation.
So that was Saturday. Sunday rolled around and being the lovely day that it was, we went for a bike ride, came home and watched the Red Sox drop the last of a three game series to the Diamondbacks, then like everyone else in America, watched the Sopranos come to an end.
Don’t stop believin’? Hell yeah baby.
Happy Monday everyone.
1Jodo
wrote on 11 June 2007 at 11:16
note to self…… make sure my garbage bags are not clear… :) I didnt see the final episode, but I’m hearing that folks weren’t happy with it…any thoughts?
^ Jodo
2Mike
wrote on 11 June 2007 at 11:39
Ok,Ok…stop breath…whew…Nina, that’s some funny sh*t. I was laughing the whole way through, as soon as I saw clear plastic, I knew where it was heading. That’s almost as bad as your (my wife’s) parents coming to the house and staying in our bedroom for a week, only to remember 3 days in that our porn collection has been staring them in the face. No wonder her Mom kept giving me dirty looks all week. Dad, just smiled. Every morning he smile at me and say Good Morning Son, never called me that until that week(and we’d been married 12 years), it was always Mike…my wife wanted to kick my ass as could imagine. You got some ’splainin’ to do Nina…hahaha…as for “THE SOX” that was a tough pill to swallow, but we’ll get back in the swing of things tonight…no worries. Have a good day Nina…
Mike
pssst…you get the feelin’ people are watching you….ya know like that 80’s song….;-)
3nina aoki
wrote on 11 June 2007 at 13:25
Jodo,
The Sopranos? Well, I’ve been watching the show consistently for several seasons. The final episode? Poetry.
The Journey song, the final scene… it was simply perfect. Tho we had our windows open and I think we could hear our entire neighborhood collectively scream when the final scene cut to black! hahaha! But it was perfect.
Thanks!
xoxo,
nina
4nina aoki
wrote on 11 June 2007 at 13:30
Mike,
lol! Thanks! Yes, it was interesting and humorous, just like my life! hahaha!
We don’t have a lot of porn tho, maybe 3 or 4 DVDs, and all of our sex toys are in various places in our bedroom. I’m just glad that I now have more room for my shoes in the closet!
Yeah, yesterday’s loss was kind of a downer, especially after NY won. You know, that Randy Johnson isn’t a handsome man at all! But the Sox are off tonight and play Colorado at Fenway tomorrow. I’m not worried. I hate NL baseball tho… it’s small ball. Nothing like the AL East. Oh well.
Watching me? Oh honey, you have no idea how many people watch me! hahaha! Kind of humorous on some days, but it’s okay. They come here to fish off my pier! :biggrin:
Thanks sweetie!
xoxo,
nina
5pile0nades
wrote on 11 June 2007 at 13:46
Good thing it was just the boxes and not the actual toys. Say, there’s something. You think maybe she thought Jeff was throwing out the actual toys with the boxes? like some kind of “punishment” or something? That could explain the “oh that poor girl” look. And she didn’t find out about Lisa too, did she?
Maybe to get something in common you could talk about homophobes, and that some of them also think sex toys are immoral.
BTW, this just showed up on Digg about Fox News, hilarious and true!
Love,
Gary
6nina aoki
wrote on 11 June 2007 at 14:53
Hi Gary!
Oh no! Well, Jeff would never throw away my toys! I think the reason Aud had that look was more of a “she must be so unsatisfied if she has all those toys” — it’s a lesbian thing! No, neither Aud or Jenn know about Lisa or that I’m bisexual, but I don’t want to tell them that I review sex toys or anything like that! I don’t want them to look for me! hahaha!
It’s funny too because Aud is a fiber optics installation technician. She’s got a hardhat, toolbelt and pickup truck! It’s so funny, but she does fit that stereotype.
They invited us to dinner not too long ago, so they know we’re not weird about them like that.
btw: That’s hysterical about FOX News. How true! lol!
Thanks sweetie,
xoxo,
nina
7princesse.x
wrote on 11 June 2007 at 16:47
Burn, baby, burn !
I love this !
A desperate housewives twist !
I don’t think I ever told you, but I found your site while reserching the njoy plus, pure wand & fun wand.
Since my son left the house, I’ve bought more sex toys than I ever dreamed of ! And I would love to have your collection !
kisses**
*X*
8princesse.x
wrote on 11 June 2007 at 16:50
( I meant plug… )
9Redwraithvienna
wrote on 11 June 2007 at 18:39
Thats so funny … Well ok its funny if you are not directly involved in it …
But i have to say i was laughing the whole time while i was reading this … so fun :) You really made my evening a lot better :)
It would be so fun if she gave Jeff a few tips on “how to satisfy your wife” better or so … so that you dont have to buy so many sex toys anymore :)
You should really try and sell this story to the “Desperate Housewives” Producers … :)
10nina aoki
wrote on 11 June 2007 at 18:45
princesse.x,
Hello beautiful! lol! Yeah, it was kind of funny in that surreal kind of way. I mean, I wasn’t really all that broken up about throwing away the boxes. It was just kind of funny that I saved them all! But it was hilarious that we didn’t even think about who might see them when he took the trashbags outside!
Oh I never knew that! Thanks for sharing that with me! Mmmm, the njoy products are a lot of fun. I love the pure plugs! Anal play is something of a special ocassion thing with us, but I’ve got a lot of personal pleasure from playing with my own butt! (hahahahahahahahaha)
Well, having that freedom of being alone in the house with your sex toys is great! Which is one of the reasons why I love working from home, because when I really need a break or an orgasm, I can run up to my bedroom, put on some lingerie or just get naked and really throw myself into my fantasies and really get myself off in an incredible way. Plus too, both my husband and girlfriend are into sex toys too, so they’ve really added a new dimension to our lovemaking.
I consider myself very lucky, because something I didn’t realize was a lot of guys get weird about their wives or girlfriends using sex toys, or even bringing them into the bedroom during sex. That was such a foreign idea to me because my husband is so open minded, but I had a conversation with a girlfriend recently and we were talking about dildos and vibrators and she told me that her husband freaked out when she brought up the idea of using a dildo during their lovemaking, so I guess a lot of guys have hang ups about that… but you know, I wish they didn’t! When we want to bring a toy into bed I don’t think it’s because he isn’t getting the job done, I think it’s a big leap of trust which guys should open themselves up to.
Maybe I’ll write about this at some point. I just don’t know any guys who are weird about sex toys like that.
Thanks sweetie!
xoxo,
nina
11nina aoki
wrote on 11 June 2007 at 18:51
Redwraithvienna,
lol! No it is funny! This was written with an exaggerated sense of indignance, which was completely intentional. It’s actually hysterical from my perspective!
I’m glad I was able to make your night a little better!
Well, here’s the thing… I don’t have all these sex toys because I’m unsatisfied… I have them because I review them and I like to play with them with both Jeff and Lisa, but Audrey has no idea about that which is why she looked at Jeff with that ‘you suck… you’re a guy… you have no idea what you’re doing in bed’ kind of look!
The hysterical rub here is that he does know what he’s doing! :biggrin:
But yes, that’s why he made the joke about asking her to come fix our plumbing problems! hahahahahaha!
Well… you never know… I might just start writing screenplays, get an agent and start selling this stuff. If this wasn’t such a hobby to me I could probably do quite well. But you know, I have a career which I love and we do okay, and I like where things are for me. I’m a lucky girl with a great life and writing/journaling is the perfect outlet for me…. But that’s always an option!!!
Good lord, who knows what would happen if I all of a sudden decided to be competive…..
Thanks hon!
xoxo,
nina
12saratoga
wrote on 12 June 2007 at 10:43
Nina-
Hysterical. just hysterical.
Now, if it were me, I’d have been deconstructing the boxes so they were flat, and, in the process, made them less readable.
xoxoxo
-saratoga
13Redwraithvienna
wrote on 12 June 2007 at 14:20
You could also just simply burn them :)
14nina aoki
wrote on 12 June 2007 at 15:05
saratoga,
Thanks!
xoxo,
nina
15nina aoki
wrote on 12 June 2007 at 15:08
Redwraithvienna,
Hmmmmm, that’s an idea, but around here you can’t burn in the summer months, so if we started a fire in the backyard then someone would have undoubtedly called the fire department and then we’d have to explain to the firemen what we were doing and then the whole town would have found out for sure! hahaha! Our house now doesn’t have a fireplace which would have worked. I really miss having a fireplace tho. About ten years ago the house we owned on Cape Cod had a lovely fireplace and we really enjoyed that in the winter. I think the next house we buy (if we do decide to move again) will have to have a fireplace. They’re so romantic you know? Hmmmm….
Thanks!
xoxo,
nina
16tasha
wrote on 12 June 2007 at 16:53
nina,
not to laugh at your dilemma, but that was hilarious. clear plastic bags!!! on the subject, i had a related experience 2 weeks ago. i went to dump a garbage bag at the dump area for our neighboor, baby in one arm, and saw a neighboor man looking at something. magazines. i glanced, and he closed it, and as it turned out, was 2 stacks of Playboys dating back to the late 1960’s!!!!! he didn’t wanna keep them, so, with baby in my arm, went lots and lots of Playboy mags! i’m sure they’ll come in handy at some point…. even though they’ve never really been my thing, i wouldn’t pass up an entire collection.
question: your son? is he really so good and respectful? …when i was a young’n, i ALWAYS was in my parents’ stuff, just for boredom’s sake.
glad to see your spirits are lifting!
xoxo,
tasha
17nina aoki
wrote on 12 June 2007 at 17:59
Hi Tasha!
Oh no please laugh! It’s funny!
omg! I would have scooped them up too! They must be worth something, and it must be so interesting to see the picture spreads from almost 40 years ago! I’d be so curious to see how we were portrayed back then. I mean, just the history alone there must be fascinating! Good find! I can just imagine you carrying the baby on one side and the magazines on the other! I remember carrying around my son when he was an infant… and he was a huge baby too! Good lord, the backaches!
Well, okay, your question… is my son really so good and respectful? He is, yes. I mean, I imagine every kid gets curious about what mom & dad have in their bedroom, but with the way our house is laid out, and because I work from home, he usually doesn’t have the opportunity to go snooping. (Our bedrooms are on different floors) I know that’s probably so naïve! I’m sure when my husband and I go out and he’s home alone, he, like any other kid, has probably gone snooping at one time or another. We don’t lock our bedroom, and we keep our sex toys in several different places but as far as I know he hasn’t found them. Good lord that would be so embarrassing! I have a hope chest at the foot of my bed where many toys live, and some are in my dresser and some are in my lingerie chest. Hmmmm, I might have to rethink this! Ooops! hahahaha! But we’re very careful too. We ‘plan’ our more kinky activities around times when he’s sleeping out at a friend’s house so we can be more adventurous. It’s nice to be able to make as much noise as you want you know? Plus, we’ve also sprung for a hotel room when we really want to be alone.
Tho, I suppose that’s the risk of being a parent isn’t it? I know my brothers when they were young found some magazines which were my Father’s, but he found out about it, and well, let’s just say that they never went looking again after he was thru with them! :biggrin:
Mmmm, how things change and yet how they stay the same.
Thanks hon!
xoxo,
nina