Nina, wow, very heavy topic this morning.Being raised by my mother for the first 8 years of my life I tend to look at these topics more than your usual guy.I always felt it was my duty to look after my sister, tho I was 3 years younger. Especially when she began dating. Almost like a fatherly adviser, I’d meet the guy and decide in my own mind if I thought he was good enough or if I thought he was trouble. I know, I know, none of my business really, but being we were close, I worried about her as we grew older. One guy stands out, Her boyfriend in highschool had issues, very violent to his ex-girlfriends, from what I’d heard from people I knew. Told me I should keep an eye on him. They dated for 3 years and no major problems, in her senior year she found out he was dealing a variety of drugs and broke off the relationship. He went nuts! The argument ended with my sister coming home looking like she went 15 rounds with Mike Tyson, as soon as I saw her I lost it, seeing red was an understatement, she begged me not to go but there was No-way! he was going to touch my sister like that and not end up in the hospital, without going into too much detail, he ended up in the hospital, for 6 weeks. I know violence to stop violence is not the answer, but I didn’t want to make up a happy ending just to make myself seem like a real nice guy. I did because this guy, who was 6′-4″ over 200lbs. felt he had the right to hit my sister when he pleased. I did however get him to realize, not my sister. It sickens me when I hear of things of this nature. This is one of your greatest posts I’ve had the pleasure of reading!
Mike (I’m calm now)

There are so many abuses that women suffer from and domestic violence is just one. There are the women who have no bruises, no broken ribs, no physical hurts what so ever and yet they go through their day looking at the ground and fearful of doing the wrong thing. Words are just as damaging as the physical abuse and twice as difficult to see and even harder to heal.

Those that are fortunate to get out and find a good shrink are the luckiest and have the potential for healing. Getting out is just the first step in that healing process and it takes so very long. I’ve seen some women who get out, enjoy their ‘liberation’ only to go to another man who is just like the last one…or…even worse.

My best friend is married with 4 children and her husband is not physically violent but I fear for her safety daily - he will snap one day and drop that restraint he does exhibit and then the words he says will become actions. I’ve encouraged her, offered support, money, anything if she wanted to leave and yet she won’t.

Your post struck a deep chord in me this morning.

Thanks for this entry. It is easy to forget the oppression and abuse of women in this country and other countries, when it’s not happening to us personally.
I read a really good article in the NYTimes I believe, about the exploitation, abuse, and forced prostitution of young women in this country, and how instead of offering them a safe haven and an escape from their pimps, they’re often tossed in jail.

I know a few women, personally, who while they aren’t abused physically, they suffer emotional and verbal torment from their significant others. Organizations geared toward violence against women and compassion are indeed important.

Hi Nina: A very profound piece of writing this morning.
I hate any man who would hit a woman for any reason. period period.
I do tend to think that if as a man, you were exposed to your father hitting your mother, you would tend to turn out that way.
There is just no reason to hit, or slap,or beat a woman.
I consider myself to be a very lucky man to have been brought up in a household, that just never saw anything like that. My Dad never left the house without kissing my mother, and I can tell you there were fights, bla bla bla, but never,never any hitting or anything like that. I grew uo with three sisters,all younger, I married a woman with two sisters, same thing, had two daughters, and now six grandaughters, and still no hitting. I feel so bad for woman who endure such awfuls things, makes me ill.
Thank you Nina for writing that insightful few lines. It needs wide spread attention. I would hope that every person who loves your blog Nina will go check out the Sojourner House and let their feelings do the right thing, whatever. Love ya Nina Richard

As the daughter of a mother who went from one abusive relationship to the next - the fight against domestic violence is of much importance to me.

Thankyou for writing this post Nina, thank you for giving women who are not always strong enough (or heard) to do it for themselves a voice.

Pegxx

Mike,

Oh I’m sorry sweetie! I didn’t mean to get you all riled up first thing in the morning! But thank you, truly, for sharing your thoughts and your own personal experiences with me.

I believe most men feel the same way you do and would never consider physically hurting a woman, so I want to be clear that I don’t approach this topic from the militant man-hating feminist point of view, but rather, as an effort to raise awareness about an issue that I think is important and which means a lot to me. I’ve known abused women (verbally, emotionally, sexually and physically, and I’ll address that in another response), and the damage it does to not only them, but to their children is almost irreversible. Bruises heal, but the psychological damage and the damage to our self esteem can tie us in knots which can take a lifetime to undo.

I think the real point I felt that I wanted to make today is that as a society we need to be much more aware and proactive about these issues. We need to teach our children, both sons and daughters, that abuse is always wrong. We need to teach our sons to always respect women, and we need to teach our daughters that it’s never okay for someone to hurt you like that. In all of the research on domestic violence that I’ve been able to find online and from my own personal experience, so many of us get caught in this psychological trap where we begin to think and feel as tho we somehow deserve the abuse or that we’ve done something to cause it, and it then becomes so hard to break out of that pattern of thought.

Back in November of last year (again, before I lost my database), I wrote something which addressed some of these issues. It was about something which happened to me when I was 17, and if you’ll indulge me, I’d like to republish a portion of that entry here below my close.

Thanks again sweetie for sharing your thoughts. It means a lot to me.

xoxo,
nina

ps – it will probably help you to know that my Father was a career US Naval Officer.

November 2006

As a child that came from an abusive household, I know firsthand the damage that can be done. To this day my mother and I both still struggle with the aftermath of what happened all those years ago. Struggle, yes but we are never more certain or more steadfast in our belief that we are the lucky ones. Sadly, many are not as fortunate.

With my own daughters I have tried to teach the the rights and wrongs, the things that are wonderful in relationships and the things that are unacceptable. I think it’s working if the conversations I overhear are any indication.

Thank you for posting, Nina…for speaking out and reminding all of us how connected we are. All my best to your friends.

Love,
The Butterfly Temptress

musns,

Thank you so much sweetie for adding to this dialog, these are indeed very complicated and sometimes extremely uncomfortable issues to talk about, but that’s why they need to be talked about precisely because they are complicated, difficult and uncomfortable.

You are so correct; there are so many kinds of abuses which are inflicted upon us and it doesn’t always have to be physical abuse. As I mentioned to Mike, cuts and bruises and broken bones will heal, but emotional scars can sometimes become things which haunt us for the rest of our lives. I’ve been reading up on the ‘why’ so many of us stay in such toxic relationships, and maybe it’s got to do with how we see ourselves and our role in the home, and so many of us cite ‘children’ or ‘deprivation of a father figure for our children’ as a reason to stay, and the second most common response is of course money, especially if the man is the only breadwinner.

I’ve known women married to men who earn six figure salaries, who are covered head to toe in jewelry, drive the Mercedes Benz, but their husbands knock them around every once in a while, and they just put up with it. So, there’s no real clear answer to this and that’s so frustrating! And you’re so right, we become locked into these patterns where we just bounce from one abusive guy to the next, but so much of that has to do with our relationship with our own fathers.

*note to the guys reading this*

If you’re the father of a daughter, how you treat her will determine how she sees herself and what she thinks she’s worth and it will influence how she interacts with every other man she meets in her life. The father-daughter relationship is SO important to the rest of our lives. You must remember, YOU are her first love.

**********

I’m so sorry to hear about your friend, but I’m not at all surprised about it. I think all you can do is leave the door open for her because hopefully she’ll eventually walk thru it. I know that can be so frustrating but the decision to leave can only be hers, because if she’s pushed into it, she’s just going to go back to him or his clone, you know?

The reason I hi-lited Sojourner House is because of how comprehensive their programs are, and we also have to remove some of our own stereotypes because battered and abused women aren’t always poor, uneducated, or members of a minority group. This problem crosses all lines of social class, race and culture.

I hope the chord my words struck wasn’t painful for you, and I want you to know just how much I appreciate your input on such a difficult topic.

Thanks so much sweetheart,

xoxo,
nina

Coffey,

Thank you, dearest, for adding your thoughts to this discussion. As I said to musns, I know this topic can make people uncomfortable. Maybe it hits too close to home or maybe it tears the scab off bad memories, or maybe because people think it doesn’t affect them. So, I want to be sensitive to that, but it’s also something which I think really needs to be discussed especially in the light of an increase in honor killings. Europe and North America still receive a steady flow of immigrants and many of these immigrants come from cultures where things like honor killings and forced clitoral circumcision and arranged marriages are acceptable behavior, so the only way to combat these things, and the larger macro issues of domestic abuse, is by raising awareness.

I’m aware of some of those problems you’ve mentioned regarding forced prostitution, and that hits close to home for me because a lot of that goes on in the Asian community, especially with Chinese immigrants, but it’s not limited to that, many in the Hispanic community are dealing with the same problems, and you’re right, our criminal justice system isn’t prepared to deal with the underlying social problems which cause this, so the women wind up in jail and are still beholden to those who keep them essentially as slaves.

Again, I think we begin to fight this by raising awareness and by supporting in any way we can, the organizations which seek to help all of us.

Thanks so much for your thoughts, they are most appreciated.

xoxo,
nina

I have always thought it sad that society feels compelled to ask of the victim “Why do you stay” “Why don’t you just leave” “Why did you get involved with him” “What did you do to deserve this” rather than the question that gets to the heart of the issue: “Why does he feel he has the right to treat you this way?” We are a sisterhood Nina, bound by generations of understanding, enduring and triumph over adversity.

Hello Richard,

Thank you for the kind words, and of course I know how you feel about women with all those girls in your house!

Good lord, you must be afraid to complain about anything at all! They’d eat you alive if you did! haha! (Just teasing you, sweetie)

You’re quite right tho; those who have studied this problem on a generational level have identified that boys who witness their father abusing their mother or sisters will likely grow up to abuse their wives or girlfriends. We have to recognize that a child is a blank slate, and while many things are hardwired on a genetic level, the environment a child grows up in will greatly influence how that child will behave as an adult.

I’m remembering a Chris Rock comedy routine right now about fathers that goes something like: “If your daughter is spinning naked on a pole for dollar bills… YOU fucked up!”, so again, how we raise our children and what we expose them to has such a huge impact on the rest of their lives.

Thank you also for the kind sentiments, especially about Sojourner House. My hope is that those who enjoy my journal will read this and at least just think about it. That’s all I ask. Think about the problem and how you the individual can do something about it. Yes I realize this is another case of thinking globally and acting locally, but we have to start somewhere, and if my words inspire someone to be generous with them in any way they see fit, then I think it’s a good cause, but I would never ask or solicit anything from anyone other than the time it takes to read my words.

Thanks so much sweetheart… you’re such a peach and a wonderful friend! :kissing:

xoxo,
nina

Pegxx,

Thank you sweetheart for such a wonderful compliment. I’m truly humbled by your words. I’ve never really shyed away from approaching difficult topics, especially if I feel strongly about an issue, but I always want to be sensitive to just how painful these things can be. These are real issues with real consequences which can ruin our lives. I’m so sorry that you had to witness such destructive behavior with your own mother, but I admire your strength and I sense in my heart and I can only hope that you’ve been able to come to terms with it. If anything is true my sweet friend, it’s that we do survive. We’re strong emotionally, and we’re infinitely capable of adapting to our situations, stronger than men I think. And it’s our lifeforce which keeps the world together.

Someone once said to me that I missed my calling, that I should have been a social worker because all I want to do is hug the world. Maybe she was right… because I do.

Thanks so much hon and may your heart always be filled with peace and love,

xoxo,
nina

My dearest beautiful Butterfly,

Thank you so much for your words my sweetest. I know how tired and worn you are, and I can only imagine how much effort it took for you to even begin to form a response, so I send you my most sincere and heartfelt thanks for speaking up about this and for adding your thoughts.

You and I have communed in sisterhood about your painful past, and what I’ve always admired about you my dearest is that you are truly a survivor, with all of the scars that go with it, and the ongoing painful reminder of the past with what you’re confronted with now. My heart is with your heart my lovely, now and always. And yes, it is always a struggle… a struggle to heal, a struggle to survive… a struggle just to get up on some days I know. But you have and you do and I’m so proud of you for that.

Since you’re the mother of daughters, you’re in that unique position to share that wisdom with them and that is so important. With my son I’ve always ingrained on him with absolute certainty and without ambiguity that women are always to be respected, never hit, and are to always be treated as if she were a princess. (My husband is real good on that one too with him, and Jeff sets the perfect example for our son.)

You know, I must be getting old because I cringe now when my son listens to hip-hop with all the misogynistic lyrics and themes, and good lord, I’m a liberal!!! How much things change when we become parents ourselves! It’s a constant battle to make sure our influence has more impact on him than the elements of pop-culture which he’s constantly bombarded with.

I feel a compulsion and obligation lately to try and use a portion of my space here to focus on something other than myself you know? It just seems like the right thing to do, and it’s something that’s really important to me.

Thank you again my beautiful friend,

xoxo,
nina

Hi Lori!

How are you sweetheart! It’s so nice to see you in geishaland again! :kissing:

Oh I completely agree, but let’s back up a bit and look at this and why those questions get asked in the first place. We live in a patriarchal society, and throughout the history of the world, men have always sought to control our sexuality, and in many ways, the issues of domestic abuse are directly tied to our sexuality and how women in general are devalued in our society. Things like misogyny and gender inequity are alive and flourishing in this country of ours, which brings up an issue that I basically ignored at the time, but the recent opinion/ruling by the Supremes about female pay inequity proves it! I cannot believe that in the 21st century we’re still only worth 70 cents on the dollar. It’s an outrage!

All across our society are glaring examples of our inequality, and it’s wrong, and it’s these attitudes I believe which form the roots of why some men feel that it’s ‘OK’ to abuse us.

We’re re-fighting battles which should have been settled decades ago! The battle still rages against Choice, we’re still trying to get paid, and even the very basic expectation of being able to take protected maternity leaves are always in the crosshairs of the backwards thinking white men in charge of the country who would like nothing better than if we were spun backwards in time to before the time of WWII and when we rarely if ever worked outside of the home and when we basically just got married and took our lumps as they came. It’s such a bunch of über bullshit! And it’s men like that who burned us at the stake, who use their god to keep us down, and who want to control every aspect of our lives up to and including our bodies. It’s these same kinds of dimwits who read the US Constitution to say “All MEN are created equal…” And Guess What? It doesn’t say anything about us and that’s they way they like it!

Ooo! My blood is boiling now! Grrrrr!

Change must begin in the home with our children. We must teach them a better way and we must recognize that these are generational battles and we must never slack off and allow ourselves to get comfortable and be pushed back.

Yes, we are a sisterhood. I’ve always believed that, and I think I always will. Our mothers taught us, and it’s our obligation to teach our own, because if we don’t, we’re only devaluing ourselves.

Thanks so much sweetheart and again, it’s so nice to see you!

xoxo,
nina

Dear Nina,

You hit on so very many important topics, I found I was writing a saga too long to post! Just suffice it to say, I grew up with domestic violence, alcoholism, verbal & sexual abuse, which eventually led to 2 abusive, alcoholic husbands, but I am one of the lucky ones. Thanks to Al-Anon and my Higher Power, I was able to break the cycle.

I had often wondered what was supposed to be so special about father/daughter relationships, until I realized that my experience was not the norm. I have no daughter, but my first husband (now sober) has a daughter with his second ex-wife. He had no father-figure to learn from. So for his daughter’s sake, I think I drove him crazy with how important his relationship with her would be in helping her to shape her life and that it would be a contributing factor in almost all her major decisions in life. It does my heart good to see how close they are, and what a strong, confident young woman she is. In no way am I discounting the effect her mother & step-father have had in her life, but that father/daughter bond is undeniable. When it’s good, it’s a wondrous thing to behold. But when it’s bad, well, I still struggle with self-esteem & self-confidence issues, even though I am an adult with adult children.

I don’t know if you’ve heard of this poem, but it is so very true. Children Learn What They Live by Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D. Having grown up in an abusive environment (at least for the first 8 years of my life), I knew first hand some of the horrors that children of abusive alcoholics grow up thinking that it’s just part of everyday life. That’s our “normal”. I had to retrain my thoughts and behaviors in order for things to be different for my children, and hopefully for any children they may have.

The environment our own children grow up in may very well reflect the environment our grandchildren and great-grandchildren also grow up in, because we do indeed “learn what we live”.

Bless you for broaching a very worthwhile subject. That’s one of the things I love about your blog/site. It’s so very diverse, but always engaging.

much love,
Terry

In North carolina and Savannah Gorgia I and all of the fellas donate several thousand dollars to area abuse oriented shelters. We spearhead organizations to involve other company leaders to follow suit and we’ve been successful over the last ten years with our time and money.

Adam and Richards businesses the daughters of abused women with few resources to continue school, participate in various activities so that the abuse suffered by the mother doesn’t touch their lives as adversely.
We take these issues seriously and as pacifists will not condone violence as the preferred solutions to any domestic problems. Men whom resort to such measures are in my view weak individuals whose actions are mostly motivated as a means to disguise their own awareness of their personal inadequacies.
Recently I read an article that made a point that 85% of the private funding for many shelters came from men. On record, 41% of spousal abuse is directed at men by women. However, virtually all shelters refuse to grant admittance or counciling services to these men.
Also, nothing in mainstream media reflects the 41% of men whom are abused, and ironically, a good deal of the entertainment media actually leaves an impression that violence toward men by women is not only acceptable but encouraged as a form of empowerment.
And while there is no apparent shortage of women that are justified in deriding male abuse towards women. It often appears many of these same women are silent on female abuse to males.
There seems to be a widespread belief that domestic spousal abuse is singularly an issue where the male is repeatedly cast as the sole abuser. But 41% statistics suggest such cannot be the case. To this date I’ve seen nothing in popular media or print, which reflects the reality of those statistics.
I’m not trying to minimize the suffering of women, nor denying or trivializing the economic and emotional hardships that is the hallmark in abusive cases where the woman is a victim.
I feel my efforts to the area shelters as well as programs to assist many women to reach independence through jobs and resource grants allows me some qualification.

However, I wonder if women will put as much effort into empathy for men whom are victims of domestic abuse and become equally derisive of a culture that appears to accept in entertainment and social action violence towards men?

Archie Summers

(Who really likes your topics and finds them informative and educational.)
combined has made it possible for

Hi Terry,

Well first let me thank you for such lovely compliments as always. It’s always been my goal with geishaland to provoke thought and to try and look beyond what’s on the surface and explore issues which not only matter to me, but perhaps a larger group of people. I want to explore why we feel the way we do, and why things happen the way they do, and I believe that by raising awareness about crucial issues that we as women face every day of our lives, then perhaps we can generate dialog and encourage people to think. Some people appreciate this approach, others do not, and that’s okay. I’ve always been grateful that anyone reads my words at all, so having the opportunity to exchange points of view in that marketplace of ideas is the real gift.

I’m so sorry that you endured such pain in your life sweetheart, but I’m happy that you’ve been able to recognize these things for what they are and that you’ve been able to break the cycle of abuse. So many of us suffer in silence, or find these things difficult to talk about. I expected that when I wrote this piece, but also too, I feel strongly that we must open our eyes and our hearts to the plight of women everywhere, even if we ourselves have it pretty good. I mean, I rail pretty hard sometimes about our inequities here in the United States, and I talk about things like the right to choose, and health issues, and about claiming our sexuality and not being afraid to open ourselves up to our partners and letting them know what we really want and need, but I couldn’t possibly imagine what it must be like for women born into societies where we have no choices and no control of our lives whatsoever! So there are a lot of ‘big issues’ out there which affect the quality of our lives and what a future world will look like.

I have a few particular beliefs about the world which I’d like to share with you. I believe that nature is often self correcting, and worldwide there are more female babies being born than males. If this trend continues, we very well could one day live in a world run by us just because there will be more of us around. I mean, let’s face it… we’re better constructed, we live longer, and we’re smarter! So it may take time, but I think it will happen one day.

One of the issues I’ve been occupied with lately is the importance of the father-daughter relationship. I think men have such a great opportunity which they often don’t appreciate or take full advantage of to shape the future of women. And without going way off in another direction, let me just say that I plan to continue writing about that subject.

That’s such a truism; we do learn what we live. My hope is that more of us will be able to break our own cycles of abuse, and that the men in our lives always remember what precious treasures we truly are.

Thank you sweetheart for opening your heart and sharing this with me,

xoxo,
nina

Hi Archie!

Thank you! It really makes me happy to hear that you enjoy the subjects I write about and that you find something in my words worthwhile. I appreciate the compliment immensely and I’ve always been impressed with the breadth and depth of all of the people involved with LSD. Each one of you is a critical thinker who does not allow convention and expectation to define yourselves. Such things which live outside the box are always refreshing and add such value to who we are.

I think it’s fantastic that you all support your local women’s shelters. These organizations and places often operate on shoe string budgets and with the help of volunteers; just everyday concerned citizens who feel that they have an obligation to do the right thing. Maybe it comes from a movie line, but I also believe that helping your fellow man/woman is always profitable in every sense of the word, and what’s also interesting is you’ve got a man like Bill Gates (the richest man in the world) who is now talking about something called ‘Creative Capitalism’ which tries to find ways to make helping your fellow human being profitable. Sadly in our world of greed and ‘me first’, most people don’t believe that charitable work or philanthropy can be profitable, and I believe a lot of these incredibly selfish attitudes can be traced back to the age of Ronald Regan and the rise of the ‘Greed is Good’ yuppies of the time. We’ve seen the folly of this come back to haunt us today, where you now have two classes of rich people! You’ve got the regular rich and the obscenely wealthy and unfortunately the cause of this is the economic polices of the current resident of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. I believe that we as a people, as a race, must find a way to make our markets work better so that they’re inclusive of everyone, and especially on this particular topic where so many of us stay in abusive relationships simply because of financial reality. We need to change that.

I can’t really speak about ‘abused husbands’ but I know that it does exist. It isn’t something I’ve really looked at closely, tho I will say that no one, regardless of their gender, should ever be abused. What really impresses me about Sojourner House in particular is that they’re one of the first shelters and organizations to recognize and help same sex couples. Domestic abuse does exist in the gay and lesbian community and I’m really encouraged that places like Sojourner House are so progressive and forward thinking.

I want to thank you Archie for sharing your thoughts with me and for giving me something to think about too. I always appreciate the opportunity to expand the discussion on things I’ve written and from participating in that marketplace of ideas. Please also give my love and most heartfelt appreciation to everyone in LSD. You’re all such wonderful people and friends.

xoxo,
nina

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