the things we leave behind
Today was a long day. I found my mind wandering to thoughts of my childhood; my favorite doll, the pink dress my mother made for me, playing in the summer grass in our backyard. They were thoughts of life at its simplest and most innocent, without the weight and clutter of the world around me. I imagine much of this had to do with learning of Li’s passing after a long battle with cancer, but I also found myself thinking about my own mortality and about the passage of time, and in fact remarked to a friend today that I couldn’t believe that this year was almost half over already. Where did the time go I wondered, and then my thoughts once again turned to Buddhism and in a quiet moment while sitting in my backyard staring at my newly planted flowers, I found the clarity my heart so desperately needed.
Grief and loss are perhaps the most difficult emotions we have to deal with in this life, and only the purest among us can look at death as a celebration rather than in our meager comprehension of the void the loss of someone we love causes in our own lives. It’s a hard discipline, and one that I’ve always struggled with, but I believe in the foundations of what is celebrated in death. Buddhism teaches us that we are continuously reborn into this world, yet Buddhists do not believe in a soul per se, but rather the essence of a person, and it is this essence which is reincarnated. I’ve always had difficulty in reconciling this idea, and I tend to see it as a matter of semantics because I do believe in the soul, perhaps not in the construct of Judeo-Christian belief, but rather that the physical body is the vehicle for the soul in our many lives, and it is this soul, or energy, or essence, which travels until we reach that purity of perfection and find Nibbana. So while I feel that void because of Li’s passing, I must also find comfort and solace in the belief that her soul will be reborn as she continues on her journey.
The picture you see at the top was sent to me by a friend to help comfort me after my own loss. It is a picture of Jizo Bodhisattva. It was given to me as a gift, which I now place here in memory of Li. May Jizo guide her and protect her, and offer those who loved her comfort in this time of sorrow.
Unless you’ve been reading here for a long time, you might not be aware of the connection Li and I shared. She was part of a group of friends and artists who I encountered in the spring of 2006. This group is responsible for the work titled The Illustrated Lazy Geisha, and Li can best be described as the lead writer for this graphic novel. You can view part one of this work here (adobe .pdf format).
Her friends, the other members of Lone Sloan Delirius, have expressed to me what I meant to her, and while I’m extremely humbled by this, I regret that I didn’t get the chance to let her know exactly how much she meant to me. Li and I exchanged emails on occasion, and sometimes we’d communicate thru the other members of LSD, but I always felt such a strong connection with her, like she and I were part of something larger that neither of us could adequately explain, yet it was there, and it was real, and I shall truly miss her even as I remind myself that she will be reborn to run barefoot on the beach again, and that her eyes will once again gaze skyward towards the stars.
We are all connected in this universe, and we should never forget how precious and fragile every life is.
Things in my own world are getting back to normal. My son and I were in my car on the way to the store last night when we passed a very old house about two or three miles away from our home. I found out recently that this twelve room semi-mansion is actually a halfway house for women on the edge. Some of the women who stay in this shelter have recently been released from prison, others are there because of a domestic abuse situation, and some others are there because of psychological problems, but this house is funded by the state and it actually does a very good job of helping the women who pass thru its doors get their lives together and helping them make the adjustment to “normal” society.
We were speeding along, listening to the radio and gabbing away when my son started yelling out and telling me to turn around. I asked him why and he said that he saw some paintings leaning up against a tree in the front yard and that he wanted to check them out. My son knows how much I appreciate art and I’ve been lucky enough to pass this trait on to him, so I found a place to turn around and went back to the house and pulled into the driveway and got out to see what they were. There was a woman standing outside in the yard who saw us pass by and turn around, and when we got out of the car, she walked up to us and said hello. We asked her about the paintings and she told us that they were done by a woman who had recently moved on and she’d left them behind, so she decided to just put them out on the lawn and she figured someone would come by and scoop them up.
I felt a little embarrassed but I asked her if she was sure that they’d been abandoned because I didn’t want to take someone’s property, especially if the artist changed her mind and came back looking for them. She assured me that wasn’t the case and then asked if I wanted to take them. I still felt funny, so I left her my phone number just in case, then popped the hatch on my Passat and had my son carefully put them in the back. I took a picture of the one which I found most striking; it’s clearly a pregnant woman who seems to be laying in the grass under the moon, and there’s just something about it which I find incredibly compelling. It may not be Louvre material, but it was painted by the hand of a woman who for one reason or another found herself in a place where she likely never imagined life would take her, and it represented a piece of her that she left behind.
Maybe we all leave things behind in each of our lives as we travel these roads making our way on our own journey. Maybe this woman left behind these paintings, maybe I’m leaving behind my words, and maybe Li left behind her own art and her own mark in this world, and maybe that’s the real mystery of life; that we’re all here to leave something behind, so that someone, somewhere, will remember us when we’re gone.
1Adam Narcross
wrote on 19 June 2007 at 23:41
She would very much like what you’ve written. You’ve always been kind and considerate to us, and LSD sincerely appreciates all the support you have given us.
She was like family and more than family Li was definitely the conscious of our merry band of cut-ups. Her favorite TV shows were “The Good Life.” and “Yes, Prime Minister” in the top slots. And both from Britain. She was fond of Portishead, David Bowie, Enya, Kate Bush (no surprise there,) Ministry and Skinny Puppy (quite surprised there.) She read everything and her tastes were so diverse no one has yet to agree on a favorite author.
The only time she raised her voice in real anger was during Bush’s first Supreme Court appointment as president and his re-appointment four years later.
Li was heavy into advocacy, and considered one of her favored pasttimes, debating gender issues with Archie. She has frequently admitted that during their more heated discussions she’s been known to orgasm for reasons she cannot explain.
She was a devout Buddhist and is principly responsible for my taking up the philosophy. She would approve that you use the Pali rather than the Sanskrit when making use of Buddhist terminology.
Buddhism remains something of a mystery for the west. Much of it is incompatible with the value systems where the surface of things inform our perceptions of lived existence.
And yes, Buddhist do not beleive in souls or deities (Per se) India undergoing its critical Axial transformation came to realize that Gods and Goddesses if existing were not very helpful, so appealing to them through prayer seemed senseless.
Li’s veiw of eroticism and its artforms was that like anything, utilized responsibly its always a healthy excercise. She did warn (her students) that our culture has tended to use eros in harmful ways by commodifying it and packaging its healing properties into an expression of exploitative vice.
What made your site stand out to her was that in your words you proved a point that she made that erotica was more than about the sum of its potential as a divisive commercial property. She found no end with using you and your site as an example of eroticism where it unifies through a type of univerality uncommon with its usual singular synonym with porn.
And lastly, as I pick up the brush and pens to return back to work on T.I.L.G. I do so with a sense of something renewed in myself.
More than ever, I think all of us at LSD/Floating World can understand something about her and you, which like Nibbana, is beyong description or compare.
Adam Narcross
2Alex Earl
wrote on 20 June 2007 at 0:15
Oh My God, Adam, “The Good Life?” Old Boy that programme was around in the mid-70’s, no one will even know what the show was. And “Yes, Prime Minister. hey, just remember my son, I turned her on to the best sitcom ever.
And what about Red Dwarf, The Prisoner, Danger Man, The Avengers, and Space 1999? Remember she wore out all my old VHS tapes of the Prisoner before DVDs.
Way, way back in the old days of the Empirium, our Li talked me into buying a Beta and not a VHS recorder and player. And while its true the Beta was technologically better, after putting doen nearly 400 pounds for the Godrotting machine I couldn’t find a damn beta tape to rent for all the VHS varieties.
And to top it all, the old girl bought a VHS anyway.
Ah those were the days, it was all ahead of us back then. Nina, our girl Li wrote her university dissertation with the movie “Heavy Metal” as her thesis subject. Can you imagine this little Chinese woman from Hong Kong going on about how the entire film’s objective was to reveal the individual’s contempt for authoritarinism through potent historical symbols that in the future vision were shown for what they had become. A parody as displayed with several images of world monuments in neglected decay.
Li’s main cut of humor was when she was confronted by the beauty queens on campus. She always said to them, “No you’re wrong princess, you are a traiter working with the Rebel Alliance!”
Another cut she is famous for was when she is about to win any sort of game, she would announce, “And now you shall see the power of this fully operational Death Star!”
To her Jewish friends she usually ammended to say Death Star of David.
Her opinion was that the reason why birds flew south for the winter was because it was too far to walk. And that the reason the chicken crossed the road was because of some foul idea.
She believed that anyone could become a great chef if they were either an alchoholic or was willing to splash half a bottle of anything alchoholic on the food being prepared.
LI was also berated by the dean for proposing that the troops serving in Iraq would better appreciate Jenna jameson DVDs than a boring old thanks for serving letter. And backed up her claim by showing the dean e-mail responses requesting more J.J. dvds than the thanks for serving letters.
Li infuriated her Professor of Women’s studies when she compiled an accurate statistical analysis that revealed husbands tended to stay faithful to wives who were advanced in the art of the blowjob. And felt it was prudent that if her Professor wanted to avoid her own pending divorce she could give her marriage saving pointers.
Nina, Li was outrageous but her hits were always like soft velvet.
Alex Earl
3Yoriki Matuoko
wrote on 20 June 2007 at 0:53
Li Zhao was the first girl that ever went down on me and made me squirl and shiver, which frightened me because for three weeks afterwards I thought I might be a lesbian. She told me I wasn’t any more than she was. Michy always uses her cavalier attitude to oral sex in her stories.
“If you like good Sushi, you’ll love cunnilingus!” that was what my baby had a habit of saying in a chirpy schoolgirl way.
Its funny that I remember all this stuff now. I guess I’ve become used to her quirkiness that now that she’s gone, I see how unique her words are.
Li loved youre writing style. always, she was gushing over your skillful use of language. She was always begging Adam to write more hot tales like the ones he sent you. Practically, she pouted why Adam didn’t write her depraved, lust-filled completely inappropriate stories of questionable moral content.
Wait, I’ll transcribe one of her letters to Adam, you may find this amusing.
My dear Adam what you did to me in the teachers faculty lounge was wholly inappropriate to our professional relationship as well as to the fine tradition recognized as the character of this fine institution. There was absolutely no need to put your hands all over my body as you did, nor was necessary for you to speak to me in that string of vulgarities such as you felt free to express.
It is bad enough that I am, from time to time forced by our proximity to brush a bare arm with you as we pass through the hallway. However, I find it out of place for you to try and persuade me that I should, (gasp) wear revealing attire as to display my ankles, as though I were one of those red light tarts whom recieve a substantial portion of your earnings every week.
Nor am I impressed with your obviously complete memory of every dance hall or common ale house slut that works in or on River Street. A frequent destination for you and your fellows I am assured by Betsy Mangum.
And furthermore I do not find your essay, ‘All a cute suffragette needs is a proper spanking.”
But mainly I detest your smirking advocacy that impels one to accept dogmatic notions that a young girl’s first orgasm ought not come from a Shetland Pony galloping full on down Farmer Weavers Six acres, when you will do.
If at all you intend to embark upon a visit tonight, I will not allow your contemptible character to force me into locking the side gate of the manor, nor the downstairs house entrance, as well as the door of my bedroom at the western wing, just upstairs and to the right of the Lord Honost John Appleby painting by the purple brocaid curtains. You know the one, by the silver mantle lamp, which if you want to avoid tripping over the place mats, you will have to turn on.
Absolutely, you will not reduce me to sleeping clothed in this vile summer clime. Since you seem to take much in the way of sadistic joy ravaging my poor defenseless body as you deem fit to quench your rapacious appetite, I will not lose my dignity so much that I shall take to locking the door against you.
Finally, if you insist on taking libeties with your hand under my dress during the faculty meetings, do please try not to forget to be decent enough to bring tissues so that I won’t have to leave the uphostery of the university chairs soaked again.
Hee Heee, I loved that girl.
Yoriki
4Mike
wrote on 20 June 2007 at 5:56
Heart touching post Nina, my condolences to Li’s friends and family. She seemed to be a very loved and admired person to many. Sorry for everyones loss.
Mike
5nina aoki
wrote on 20 June 2007 at 12:55
Hi Adam,
Let me please first tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I know you and Li were close and this must just be awful for you. Please know that you have my most heartfelt sympathies and that I’m keeping all of you in my thoughts.
Yesterday was tough, and in the morning I really had no idea what to say if anything at all, so it really makes me happy to know that you think she would have liked what I’ve written. I know that there is probably so much to say, but I don’t even really know where to begin. I’m grateful that you’ve all decided to continue with what really became her project, but had that been too hard for you, I would have completely understood. I think, and perhaps this is something Michiko said to me yesterday, that continuing will be cathartic, and in my mind, this project is now about Li and that she and I will always be connected as spiritual sisters by this.
I hope you’re doing okay honey, and if you need anything, please just let me know.
love,
nina
6nina aoki
wrote on 20 June 2007 at 13:00
Hi Alex,
Thank you so much for sharing these things with me. I have a very real sense that Li and I would have got on quite well because she sounds a lot like someone I’d immediately have a rapport with on so many levels.
I hope that sharing these stories and memories here in my space will serve to help all of us to remember how special she was. It’s funny because it feels like Li is so much a part of this place now, almost like she belongs here with me, so please always feel free to come back to this space and remember how treasured she truly was. These stories made me smile Alex, thank you, and thank you for letting me see her thru your eyes.
xoxo,
nina
7nina aoki
wrote on 20 June 2007 at 13:05
Yoriki my sweetest,
I can imagine Li saying something like that! (she’s right by the way too! Quite a bit like good sushi!)
You are much too kind, but thank you for telling me that Li enjoyed my work. I was amazed by how she interpreted my words, and it’s almost as if we became that Yin/Yang of balance. I know she meant the world to you, and I know you’re going to feel that void for a long time too. I’m very sorry sweetheart.
That letter is priceless! I can hear those words in my head as I read them and well, yes, that’s Li isn’t it?
Thank you sweetie. If you need anything please let me know, and please hug Michy for me, okay?
xoxo,
nina
8nina aoki
wrote on 20 June 2007 at 13:07
Mike,
Thank you for this. I know it’s sometimes very hard to reach out and be on the outside looking in when other people suffer a loss, so I want you to know how much I appreciate your condolences and well wishes. It means a lot to me, thank you.
xoxo,
nina
9pile0nades
wrote on 20 June 2007 at 13:38
My condolences too Nina. She sounds like such a incredible woman from what I read here.
Love,
Gary
10Angela
wrote on 20 June 2007 at 15:14
To all who loved Li I’m sorry for your loss.
I don’t want to say anything out of the way, because I never read any of Li’s writing at the LSD website, but I have experienced the loss to cancer two family members, a close family friend and my high school mentor. All within the last five years. Every single time it seems like it happens at a time where you are happy for them. No more pain, no more doctors, no more wait to see.
And so I say, with the knot in my throat, I’m happy for Li.
The painting is absolutely wonderful. Be proud that you have found such work of art. Down here in the south the lady would have put it in a yard sale to just get the money from it. So it says a lot for the artist and her friend if she just wanted someone to enjoy it.
HugKissSmile
~Angela
11nina aoki
wrote on 20 June 2007 at 20:29
Gary,
Thank you sweetheart. I really appreciate that and I don’t think I’d be wrong in adding that I believe her LSD family does too. It’s odd how we can sometimes feel such a profound connection to someone we’ve never met in the physical world, but perhaps that speaks to our innate ability to transcend the physical and allow the metaphysical to govern our feelings. I know the connection I felt to Li was real, and perhaps that’s enough. The currents of the universe guide each of us towards those we’re supposed to find, and I’m quite sure that I was supposed to find her.
Thank you again sweetie. Your words mean a lot to me.
xoxo,
nina
12nina aoki
wrote on 20 June 2007 at 20:39
Angela,
Thank you for this sweetheart, and I understand the feeling of wanting to be cautious about what to say, but your kindness of heart and empathy for me and those affected by this is sincerely appreciated.
I’m also sorry that this disease has impacted your life too by taking those you cared for, and yet, I completely agree with how you’ve expressed that often confusing set of emotions where on one hand, the pain of losing someone we care for is horrible for us, but we also feel immense peace and happiness that their suffering is over.
Perhaps that’s what it means to truly love someone… Where the end of their suffering is more important than the pain we feel because they’re no longer going to be part of our lives, so yes, I also have that knot in my throat when I say that I am happy that she transcended and that her suffering is over.
Yeah! The painting is really cool! There were two others but that one spoke to me the most. I know that there’s a larger meaning behind this, but I’m not looking for that right now, but for some reason I was supposed to be in that place and those pieces were supposed to come to me. I haven’t decided where to put it yet, but I’ll figure it out.
Thank you again for your thoughts and for sharing these things with me. I really appreciate it honey.
xoxo,
nina
13M:e
wrote on 23 June 2007 at 2:23
Sweet nina…though I didn’t know Li, what’s been written by you and others here suggests she was special and had a beautiful soul. The world can never have enough people like that in it and so I offer my condolences to all those who knew her.
I have come to learn that death itself is not to be feared….it is a sad fact of life’s cycle. Grief though is another matter. May the memories of all she meant to you and others bring comfort at this time.
love and hugs xxx
14nina aoki
wrote on 26 June 2007 at 7:12
M:e,
Thank you sweetheart. It’s really very much appreciated.
You’re right tho, we can’t fear death, because it is a part of our lives, and my beliefs dictate that we’re reborn into this world and that nothing ever truly dies. But yes, grief is hard, but we learn to get thru it.
Thank you again sweetheart,
love,
nina