running naked and dancing barefoot
It’s an intangible thing which makes something beautiful; that magnetic pull, that force majeure which reaches out and draws you in and lulls your senses into an erogenous dreamscape while simultaneously causing your mind to ricochet in new directions which then gives rise to that other intangible thing called inspiration. Ever since I can remember, I’ve been attracted to things of beauty, but most especially, people of beauty and people who make beauty. There’s something deeply unsettling (in a good way), and seductively attractive about artistic personalities; the painter, the poet, the writer, the sculptor, the musician – all artists in their own right, and each capable of bending the universe with the sheer will of their desire to make it conform into such precious things of beauty. And yet perhaps the most universal expression of beauty which we all share on some level is the art of our sexuality; the joyous coupling of mind and flesh when bodies come together in such rapture and bliss; bodies bending, hot skin sliding against hot skin, waters of lust and love mingling in seas of ecstasy until this universe we create together explodes in complete and total release.
If that is not art… then art does not exist.
The last few months have been a bit peculiar for me, and while I try very hard not to dwell on past issues and things which I consider to be settled in my own life, I find that I’m often drawn back to such incidents when there is something left undone, a loose thread or something unresolved which stands in the way that becomes a stumbling block which I keep falling over time and time again. I think the universe places these obstacles in front of us until we understand the message she’s trying to convey to us, and in my own case, this is exactly what’s been going on with me. It isn’t a lack of inspiration or a lack of will, but rather a gnawing ache in the back of my mind which haunts me as if it could manifest itself in some hideous form. I keep going over it in my mind time and time again, and I think perhaps I’ve made a breakthrough in finally being able to put it to rest, and I find that I need to write the words and I need to express these feelings in order to move forward.
I never truly considered myself artistic; the guys I dated always were, but most of the time they were too self absorbed in their own angst to notice much else more than whatever happened to be holding their interest at any given moment in time. In a lot of ways, the man I married fits this description perfectly but with one caveat… he was the one who encouraged me to find my voice and then to use that voice, and as it turned out, using that voice became the seed which ultimately created geishaland. He knew that I loved to write, and he thought, as he put it, “If you let the inner artist out… you’ll set the world on fire.” There’s nothing quite like the love of man and the selfless encouragement that comes with it to motivate a girl now is there? So, I began to write, scared at first, but also encouraged by the feedback and also impressed by the medium. Blogging if anything is the great equalizer. Anyone can do it, and if you’re persistent enough and if you’ve got a measure of talent, you might actually get better. I’m still my own worst critic, but I’m lucky enough to be married to an artist who sees the beauty in watching someone he loves create beauty on her own, and that’s what I’ve always tried to do here on these pages.
But something went wrong along the way, and this in effect has been my stumbling block and I need to get it out of my way once and for all. I’ve been carrying around some anger for a while now and the only person that it’s hurting is me. I’m angry that I had to start over. I’m angry that someone (or a couple of some ones) tried to take this away from me. I’m angry that this person(s) felt that it was within their right to try and silence me, to try and make something which I (and many others) felt was beautiful by imposing their own jealous selfishness into my world and by projecting their own insecurities onto me. I’m angry. And while I’m angry with them for doing it, I’m angrier with myself for what happened after.
I was faced with two options at the end of January; I could go away (which is what they would have liked) or I could start over (which was difficult). I chose the difficult road, but while I have tried to walk this path with my head held high, because I refuse to be ashamed for anything I’ve ever written or said, I’m angry that I began to self censor in the wake of what they did to me. It’s almost like a victim psychology; where the victim starts to unconsciously change their behavior because the wounds never quite healed all the way and the resulting emotional scar tissue covers your mind like third degree burns, and I’m angry because of that, and I don’t want to be angry any more, and I don’t want to self censor anymore, and I’m not going to self censor any more.
The scar tissue which I was left with is made with the memories of so many confused women, fair weather friends, and those who shroud themselves with false mystery and pointless ambiguity that passed thru my life at one point or another, and I’ve been left with one simple truth; that we’re all human beings, we all feel the same way, we all fuck the same way, so who is bullshitting who out here in the eschar of cyberia? The only thing that separates any of us from one another is our individual unique ability to express those things which are completely universal in new and fresh and exciting ways which then hopefully inspires someone else to reach higher and create new art and find even better ways to express the beauty which is in their heart.
That’s all it is; finding new ways to describe and express the beautiful things which are inside each and every one of us, and hopefully, do something good along the way.
Someday, I want to look back on my life and think about the things I’ve written, the things I’ve done, the lives I may have touched, and I want to know that I made a difference. I am a mother, a wife, a lover, a friend - I go by many names and have many responsibilities in this life, but I am always first and foremost a woman. And I don’t want to let anything stand in my way anymore.
He calls me irrepressible, and maybe he’s been right all along; my lover, my friend, my confidante, my muse… my husband. Who I did all of this for.
Other Things
Okay, this heat makes it hard to just breathe never mind think, and forget about actually getting any writing done.. ugh… but I’m going to try my best to finish the things I’ve been putting off for much too long, and I’ve also got some changes planned for geishaland that I’m really excited about too.
My son came into my office a couple of days ago while I was working and I noticed him playing with something in his hand. It was a small piece of black plastic attached to a long black lanyard.
“What’s that you’ve got there?” I asked curiously.
“I don’t know… I found it… I think it’s something for the computer.” He said as he slowly handed it to me. As it turns out, it was a 1 GB USB Flash Drive that he said he found while he was out with his friends.
“Huh.” I said as I slid the USB connector in and out of the plastic casing, “I’ll take a look at it later okay?”
“Um, okay…sure. Can I have some money?”
“Making a withdrawal from the Bank of Mom again?” I laughed, “How much?”
“Um, forty?” he said.
“What do you need forty dollars for?” I yelled, “Good lord!”
“Ma… we’re going to the movies and I gotta eat…” he explained as I slid the two twenties out of my wallet and handed him the bills.
“Okay, do you need a ride?” I asked.
“Um, maybe home. Is that okay?”
“Yes. Just call, and not too late!”
He was out the door before I finished my sentence.
A few hours later I picked up the flash drive my son had left with me and slid it into an open USB port on my desktop and in a few moments my computer recognized the drive and opened a browser window to display the files. I sat there agape as the images loaded onto my screen. It would seem as tho my son had found an flash drive presumably lost by some college student who had it loaded up with a bunch of nude pictures of who I hope was his girlfriend. I felt a bit like a perverted voyeur as I looked at what appeared to be pictures from some fraternity party where the naked, and apparently drunken participants, decided to take a few snapshots of their beer fueled fun.
I quickly erased it and tossed it into my desk drawer.
The next day my son came into my office and asked me about the drive he had found.
“Ma can I have that thing I gave you back?”
“Hmmm?” I murmured without exactly looking up at him.
“Ma. Ma? MA!” he repeated until he had my attention.
“What?” I finally exclaimed.
“Can I have that thing back?”
I eyed my boy up and down, a mother’s intuition which has been honed over 13 years and is never wrong kicked in before I finally looked him in the eyes and asked, “Did you look at that?”
He smiled at me and said, “Well… yeah…”
“Uh huh…”
“So can I have it back?”
“Why, so you can show your friends?”
Did I mention that my house happened to be filled with boys that afternoon?
“Yeah.”
“No.”
“Why not? MA! It’s mine! I found it!” he yelled.
“And you’re not getting it back.” I replied.
He stopped and looked at me, realizing that I wasn’t about to give in.
“Well can I have some money then?”
“How much?” I asked.
“I don’t know… twenty?”
As the bills passed from my hand into his and he walked away I heard him telling his friends, “She won’t give it back to me.”
Yes, mother does know best.
Enjoy your weekend and thanks for reading!
Thanks to Jodo for the picture!
1Jodo
wrote on 3 August 2007 at 9:21
ah yes…a lovely picture I must say! Must hide my discs before kids get older….:)
2Carol
wrote on 3 August 2007 at 10:56
Thank you to your husband, then, for encouraging you - I very much enjoy your writing and I’m glad you take the time to share it!
As for the flash drive, I guess he’ll learn. When you have a stash of naughty pix, it remains in your pocket until you get past mom. (He’s not reading this, right?)
I don’t recall ever getting caught with something, but my mom did relate a story about tidying up my older brother’s room. She went snooping in a drawer, found something, decided it cured her of ever looking and said no more about it! I don’t know how old he was at the time, I suspect “old enough” for whatever it was. Which she would not tell me. :-)
3Angela
wrote on 3 August 2007 at 11:25
Oh boy….I guess I take back my comment from the email… I guess I really want to deal with vaccines and eraser shavings. Oh did you show Jeff?
I’m glad you’re angry. I know it sounds cruel, but sometimes that is when things become easier to see and to deal with. Just know that there are people who truly enjoy your work and words, and RESPECT (because that is the name of the game) you and your family.
HugsKissSmile
~Angela
4Caitlain
wrote on 3 August 2007 at 11:39
“…perhaps the most universal expression of beauty which we all share on some level is the art of our sexuality; the joyous coupling of mind and flesh when bodies come together in such rapture and bliss; bodies bending, hot skin sliding against hot skin, waters of lust and love mingling in seas of ecstasy until this universe we create together explodes in complete and total release.”
This is yet another perfect example of why I adore your writing, Nina. And why I am glad you took the difficult path and continued on despite the obstacles put before you.
One of the true measures of someone in my opinion is whether or not they have had an impact on me, either positive or negative. I can honestly say that the work you have done with your writing has deeply enriched my life in ways few people have. And I mean that. Please do not underestimate the power of what you do, even if it does require that little bit of extra effort or require some modicum of risk. I’d respect any decision you made, but if you stopped, my life experience would be lessened as a result. Is it selfish of me to say that? Perhaps, but it is the truth.
Sorry I haven’t been by very much lately. Summer school is kicking my ass.
5Tasha
wrote on 3 August 2007 at 12:54
“The only thing that separates any of us from one another is our individual unique ability to express those things which are completely universal in new and fresh and exciting ways which then hopefully inspires someone else to reach higher and create new art and find even better ways to express the beauty which is in their heart.” …And that beautiful Nina, is why you are so amazing, so intriguing, and why so many are drooling for your words. Your husband is completely right- look at what we’d all be missing out on if you didn’t take that glorious selfish time. Look at how much you share through your artistic “you” time. I don’t have the time to search out alot of beauty in cyberia; my life is so packed full of obligations, but I seek your site out nearly daily when I have the opportunity. What I recieve when I visit is extremely refreshing, and lets me escape into a canvas that is utterly female- something so hard to come by elsewhere. Nina, I am so grateful for what you do here. You have definitely touch my life.
And I really dig your mama stories. Why would he hand you the damn thing if he’d already looked at it???? crazy kids!
All my love,
Tasha
6musns
wrote on 3 August 2007 at 18:33
roflmao - “She won’t give it back to me”
I would think that most boys/men would look before handing the usb port over - just out of pure curiousity.
I’m glad you have taken the difficult road, otherwise I never would have discovered you.
7Piper
wrote on 4 August 2007 at 11:33
A husband, wife, boyfriend or girlfriend that encourages and cultivates your talents is a real treasure. It’s also a sign of a strong, confident person. How many of us know people who’s spouse is intensely fearful of any change that person may want to make?
I also love the Mother-Son vignettes. It’s so adorable and so human.
8Richard
wrote on 4 August 2007 at 16:24
Nina: Please convey my heartfelt thanks to Jeff for his insight and understanding just what kind of person you are. I really want you to know, you have touched my life in a way, thats hard to put into words. You have made my time here on earth at the later years in my life so enjoyable, and I look forward to checking in Geishaland each day. You friend forever Richard
9saratoga
wrote on 4 August 2007 at 23:43
Nina-
The story involving your son and the flash memory is priceless.
:)
xoxox
-saratoga
10nina aoki
wrote on 5 August 2007 at 19:27
Jodo,
lol! Thank you! It’s a lovely picture, and yes, you should hide them!
xoxo,
nina
11nina aoki
wrote on 5 August 2007 at 19:30
Carol,
Thank you sweetheart, that’s very kind of you to say. I’m glad you enjoy geishaland, and I hope I’m going to be able to spend more time doing things here in the very near future too.
Oh he’ll learn, and no, he doesn’t know about my site.
I’m personally terrified to wander into that mess I call my son’s room, and I’m sure he’s got a few things in there that he’d rather ‘mom’ not find out about! I think that’s just something boys do. I never got caught with anything in my room either, but with my Father, we would have been terrified to try! That’s a funny story about your mother and brother! Not surprising at all! lol!
Thanks hon!
xoxo,
nina
12nina aoki
wrote on 5 August 2007 at 19:38
Angela,
lol! Oh sweetie, they grow up too fast! And yes, I did show Jeffrey, who got mad at me!!! Can you take it? He was all, “Why did you take it away from him!” at me!
Men. Who can figure out what kind of absurdity they’ll come out with next? :biggrin:
Well, angry is such a big word you know? I’m angry at the principle behind what they did and why. I mean, I know who did it, and I know why they did it, so it’s not like I’m surprised that they’d stoop so low, but I’m angry that the history of my work going all the way back to December 2005 is gone, and what’s so hysterical is that my site was back up four hours later, so what did they really achieve? They pissed me off. I suppose I could have worked my database file over and somehow managed to squeeze the square peg into the round hole, but I was so furious that day I just decided to start over, but in the long run, they actually did me a favor. I was on borrowed time with my old host which doesn’t allow adult content, so it all worked out. I was just feeling a bit annoyed the other day because I miss being able to go back and look at my older work, but all that means is that I have the future to fill it up again, so all is good in my world.
And thank you for such lovely words of encouragement and support. They are so very much appreciated.
xoxo,
nina
13nina aoki
wrote on 5 August 2007 at 19:48
Hi Caitlain!
Oh I’m sorry that school is taking up all your time sweetie. You must be close to being finished now right? Good for you!
What a wonderful compliment. I’m touched and humbled that I have made any kind of difference at all. Thank you.
I think we’re all here for a purpose, which is something my husband taught me a long time ago, so maybe my purpose is to write and to communicate with people even in some small way. I see myself as just any other ordinary woman who in some ways has had a very extraordinary life, but for you to share such beautiful feelings with me really makes me feel like all of is means something and should continue. Thank you Caitlain, truly.
love,
nina
14nina aoki
wrote on 5 August 2007 at 19:55
Tasha,
Thank you so much my dearest for such lovely words of support and encouragement. When I think about how this all started for me and why I started, I can honestly say that I didn’t ‘intend’ to create this space the way it’s turned out. It was just a place for me. But now it’s a place where everyone, but especially women can feel welcome and encouraged and beautiful and everything else which makes us so special. One of my personal pet peeves when reading other articles or blogs about sex and sexuality is that they seem to disconnect us from the reality of our lives. I mean, look, we’re mothers, we’re wives, we work, we clean the house, and yes, we also want sex and we want to enjoy sex and we want to feel beautiful, but it’s so different for us. I just never wanted to read things which tried to tell us that we’re supposed to be in a perpetual state of arousal and ready to fuck 12 guys in a row on a moments notice, because that is just bullshit and it insults our intelligence. What I want is to reach the woman (like me) who feels like a dishrag after a long day who wants to be noticed and wants her desires to be taken seriously. Maybe we’ll get there someday huh? lol!
Thank you sweetheart for all the support. It means the world to me.
(And yes, my mama stories are pretty good huh? lol! Boys!!!)
xoxo,
nina
15nina aoki
wrote on 5 August 2007 at 19:58
musns,
lol! Well, he did look, I just don’t think he expected me to ask him for it and I think he figured I wouldn’t know what to do with it. Sometimes I think he forgets what I do for a living! lol!
And thank you! I’m glad I took the difficult road too. It was well worth it.
xoxo,
nina
16nina aoki
wrote on 5 August 2007 at 20:03
Piper my sweet,
Yes! That’s exactly it! Having someone in your life who encourages you to be the best you can be and who isn’t insecure about it is what everyone needs. And you’re so right! We all have friends who are either married to or are dating someone who is intensely fearful of their partner’s goals or changes they want to make and it’s a sure sign of trouble to come. When someone loves you, they let you fly, and that’s why you come back to them.
I remember asking Jeff once if he got jealous because of the male attention I get from my site or if I flirted a bit, and he looked at me like I was crazy and simply said “Not at all.” That is priceless.
And thanks! I think motherhood is wonderful and is as natural to us as breathing.
Thanks hon!
xoxo,
nina
17nina aoki
wrote on 5 August 2007 at 20:06
Richard,
Thank you sweetie. Yes, Jeff knows exactly what kind of person I am, and I think I’m better because of him. It’s nice being able to be who you are and not having to worry about it. And thank you for such lovely compliments. I’m so happy that I’ve made a difference in your life my friend. I truly appreciate the kind words!
xoxo,
nina
18nina aoki
wrote on 5 August 2007 at 20:07
saratoga,
lol! Thanks! It is pretty funny! They grow up so fast too. 13 is such a challenging age. I can’t imagine what he’ll be up to next year!
xoxo,
nina
19Caitlain
wrote on 7 August 2007 at 1:59
I have two more semesters to go. I would have been done this past spring had I not changed majors. ;-(
Once I graduate here, though, I am off to SFSU to get my Masters in Human Sexuality Studies. So, there’s no end to school for me any time soon! haha
20nina aoki
wrote on 7 August 2007 at 5:55
Hi Caitlain!
Ah! You’re doing the perpetual student thing! Well, that’s the best way to do it tho. I kind of wish I’d gone for my Masters when I graduated, but I’ve been thinking about going back for it now.
I know you’ll do fabulous hon!
love,
nina