My circle of friends tends to mirror my own life. Most of them are either married or in some other committed, usually monogamous, type of relationship. A few are divorced; one has even sworn off the idea of ever getting tied down to one person ever again, tho I think she just needs to meet the right guy and that will all change, and the rest are doing the dating thing but what they really seem to want is that security and stability which comes with the often boring routine world of marriage. What’s most interesting tho, even for the one girlfriend I have who hasn’t found Mister Right, is that the idea of ‘free love’ which really means ‘sex without strings’ , has left all of us aging gen-x’ers long behind. It would seem that, at least for my circle of friends, that the idea of casual sex has past it’s sell by date and we’re all either settling down very comfortably with the idea, or we’re desperately trying to find someone with who we can settle down very comfortably with. So when, you may wonder, do we find time to have all of this steamy hot sex if everybody is so damn boring?

A huge misconception, I think, is that people seem to believe that married sex, or relationship sex, isn’t as good as the sex you could be having with that handsome stranger or with that hot girl who works in your office, and they’d be right, but only half right. Of course anytime we meet someone new and when we finally get them into bed the sex can be amazing, or if we dabble in the kind of risky sex which involves hooking up with strangers, we can indulge those erotic fantasies we all have running loose in our minds, and the prospect of making some of those desires come true can very often lead us to a steady diet of non-committal, non-relationship encounters. And for a while that might even be pretty good, but if the goal is to find something more from life, that sort of steady diet might leave you suffering from emotional scurvy after a while.

We seem to be drawn to enter into relationships, pair up, start families, and create offspring, tho I know the counter argument of the post-feminism bra burning intellectuals will claim otherwise, but I don’t buy it. I think it’s really an excuse to cover up that empty void left from an emotional lack caused from too many sexual scorched earth campaigns, drunken nights, and lackluster hook-ups with guys who we otherwise wouldn’t give the time of day to, let alone let them put their cocks in us if we were sober and truly owned our own sexuality. No, meaningless hook-ups don’t exactly equal sexual liberation in my view, but there actually is a valid point I think for the single girl to sample various dishes before she finally orders dinner, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

We should take responsibility for our own pleasure, whether we’re single or not. For so long we’ve been bombarded with this idea that our sexuality is something to be feared and hidden away, something that we save for our wedding night, or some other man’s idea of how we’re entitled to feel or behave, and that has to change if we’re ever to break these chains which bind us and trap us in lives of sexual starvation.

Our lives are a tug-o-war of contradictions; on one side, yes, we want the ring. We absolutely do. But we also want that swirling dream of erotic bliss, a full life and expression of our sexuality in all its beauty. So how do we reconcile the expectations of a vanilla life with our burning desire for more? We all know deep inside ourselves that there should be more. We know that we want more, but we don’t always know how to get more. We sit at our breakfast tables and we look across at the man we married and we ask ourselves, “I married you?? What was I thinking?” – and usually our husbands haven’t got a clue that there’s even a problem! They go thru life thinking everything is just fine, and they’re content to fuck us on Saturday night and then watch football all day on Sunday, and of course, expect us to play barmaid, “Honey, could you get me a beer?” I wonder how many of us thought about throwing it at him? Even just once?

For a while guys got hip to the idea that we wanted something else, so they tried the sensitive approach, believing that what we really wanted was a ‘sensitive guy’ who understood our needs and who catered to our ever confusing emotional whims, but that didn’t work either. I mean, who wants to have sex with a wimp? So the next thing you know, we’re out looking, and most of the time, we haven’t got a clue what it is that we’re looking for! We just know that it isn’t that guy who stinks up our beds and eats all the steak. It has to be someone else, and he has to be out there somewhere.

So what’s the cure to these ills which mess up our otherwise neat lives? I think we need to take some control and some responsibility for our own lives, our own pleasure, and our own relationships. We need to bring the erotic into our sex lives by being willing to say what we want and by doing what we need to get there. For me that always meant open, honest communication. I tell my husband what I’m feeling and what I need, and for the most part, our otherwise vanilla life is pretty hot in the bedroom. Sex toys have played a big part in that, but also, in being willing to explore our kinky sides and fantasies, we’ve been able to keep our sex life from becoming that boring routine.

I think it’s wise for people to live together and to meet a lot of different people before finally settling down with just one, and maybe, you’ll never find the right person, but you should keep looking. For some, the idea of being monogamous or in a relationship with one person just doesn’t make sense, and that’s fine too. As long as you respect yourself and your partners by being honest about that, it’s your choice. But at least make the choice. The person you share your bed with should be more than just your lover; they should be the one person in the world you can be yourself with – as kinky or as plain Jane as you want to be. As long as you own it, all the pleasures in the world can be yours.

What really struck me as interesting is that these relationship questions are popping up (no pun intended) all over the place. engrailed, who is kinkier than a hairpin, questions the role of love in a 24/7 D/s relationship here;  and The Butterfly Temptress reflects on two years with her lover The Knight here. So from all lifestyles it seems, we’ve all got questions and we’re all looking for answers.

Other news in geishaland

Things have been extremely productive in geishaland lately! I finally finished my review of the LELO NEA and what do you know, a new box of toys came today! They sent me some really fantastic pieces this time around; the Phallix G-Spot Wonder and the Phallix Tickle Wand which are some of the most amazing glass pieces I’ve ever seen, and I also got the Soju Sugar which looks amazing and I got the LELO GIGI which is to die for! I can’t wait to review these products and see if they live up to all the hype! I’m thinking they will!

I’ve also hooked up with Whispers Media and I want to talk a bit about their new blog and their products. Whispers Media creates erotic audio material for women, and they’ve sent me some of their CDs to review and check out. They’ve got such a similar philosophy about women’s sexuality that it’s a perfect fit for geishaland. I’m really excited about this and I think their blog is worth checking out. It’s always so refreshing to find sites which understand that we are sexual beings and that expressing that sexuality is perfectly natural and normal.

I’ve also been working hard on geishaland too, and I’ve added some great new plugins from Add This which will make social bookmarking and linking much easier, and another plugin which will make subscribing to my feed in your favorite reader a breeze. The drop down menu now appears at the bottom of every post and page with lots of bookmarking options. I’ve also updated the Snap plugin which seems to be less annoying now, so we’ll have to see how it goes.

Finally today, even tho it’s not YouTube Tuesday, this video I found on Mistress S’ blog is hysterical. Maybe there is such a thing as the perfect woman?

Enjoy your evening!

Thank you again to Jodo for the picture at the top!