YouTube Tuesday: A Crisis of Faith
There comes a time in everyone’s life when you just sit back in your office chair, stare at the Spartan white background of Google’s welcome screen, mesmerized by the pretty rainbow Playskoolish logo and ask yourself, “What the fuck am I doing?” The timing of such near psychotic breakdowns also seems to coincide with my period, tho saying something as politically incorrect as that might get me kicked out of my Thursday night yoga class, but fuck it, I’m saying it anyway.
I used to be really into this whole girl power blogger thing that’s hooked and addicted so many otherwise socially deficient zombified women with the notion that life on the internet is more real than real life. And it is, isn’t it? It’s like a bad remake of Videodrome; where a subliminal mind control signal is surreptitiously remixed into your brain’s dopamine uptake pumps, tweaking your pleasure and reward centers with more digital goo and cosmic slop than anyone’s mind could possibly digest, and the next thing you know… you’ve wandered out into cyberia like you’re Joan of Arc, but instead of hearing voices from God, wielding a broadsword and taking over France, you’re slinging a wireless mouse and spilling your guts out into this digital wasteland where the bullshit-meters apparently get turned off on a regular basis.
And I’m just as guilty as the next bitch, so it isn’t like I’m pointing any fingers, I’m not. It’s just that I can’t seem to wrap my head around the fact that I used to be the twirling girl who bought into this la-la land of vulvacracy and pagan vagina worship and it turned out to be a bigger lie than Cubic Zirconia and “I won’t come in your mouth”. There’s a reason we were burned at the stake… we were idiots. Pagan pussy worship is more or less dead at this point, m’kay? You know what we really want? A really big diamond, a Lexus, and a timeshare in Boca… and then maybe we’ll let you fuck us again.
Life doesn’t work that way, does it? That whole pagan blade and chalice thing, right? Does it? I don’t think so… because what we refuse to admit, and in many cases to our very own selves, is what we’re really concerned with is how much is free on our Mastercard so we can run to the mall and score the next feel good fix… like this blindingly shiny ‘Oppenheimer White’ Macintosh. Mmmmm….. OSX…. I think I may actually be wet.
Writing about sex used to be fun, and I mean that in a good, nostalgic happy kind of way. It really was. It was enlightening, stimulating, and a great way to divert my attention from real life for a little while. But sex in real life isn’t the same as sex on the internet. Sex on the internet is some delusional idea that someone came up with which prevented them from actually emotionally investing in a real relationship, and to make a shitload of cash, and the problem is, I have real relationships, two of them, well, sexual ones anyway, there’s more if you count everyone else, I think. So what’s the problem?
I recently asked Jeff what I might do about this.
“I hate my blog…”
“Oh what the fuck nina… what now?”
“nevermind!” (turning away, proud of my curt, bitchy reply)
“No, uh-ah… you’re not getting away with that shit… why do you hate your blog?”
“I don’t hate it… I guess I’m just bored with it…”
“nina… you’ve always said that your blog is a reflection of you… so what’s the problem?”
“I don’t know….” (starts crying)
“Jesus H. Christ almighty… Mary and some fucking apostles thrown in… what’s the fucking problem??”
“STOP YELLING AT ME!” (bawls and wubs some more)
“Oh what the fuck… nina, I’m not yelling at you… but… it’s just a blog right? Why don’t you write about some bodily fluids or something?” (laughs)
“Which one?” (sniffling and wiping nose)
“Ahhhh… I don’t fucking know… pick one. I’m sure you can come up with some creative bullshit which everyone will laud as genius…”
“Oh just forget it!!” (starts crying again)
“Do you have your period?”
“FUCK YOU!” (storms off to go sulk in the other room… actually, yes, I do… fucker. ‘Just a Blog’?? ‘Just a Blog???’ What the fuck do you know! Asshole!)
That conversation went well.
It then occurred to me that Summer Redstone (maniacal CEO of Viacom) was right, “Content is King” (QUEEN!), and she who controls the content shall control the universe I always say, but herein lies the problem; we’re overdosing on content. There’s more content being created than can ever possibly be absorbed, even in ten lifetimes. We’re even mocked by our ubiquitous iPods everytime we connect them to our computers and fire up iTunes… “5340 Items… 16.9 Days”
Huh? 16.9 Days? And I need this much music? And I still buy and consume more? And I add to this content sewer everytime I decide it’s a good idea to open my brain and litter its contents all over the internet?
Um, yeah… I guess I do. But what I really want to know is why the fuck can’t they put percocet in Midol and just sell the shit over the counter? Why hasn’t some rocket scientist hot shot chemist figured that one out? But nooooo, Boner Pills! Eureka! That’s what the world needs! More hard cocks!
Long Live The New Flesh! Ugh… someone call me a nurse.
Fuck me. Life sucks. Enjoy your videos and your YouTube Tuesday. We’ve got a flashback of the OJ Simpson Low Speed White Bronco Chase! Why? Why the fuck not! OJ is back in jail! And, we’ve got this happy 1-2-3-4 video from the iPod nano ads that makes me want to dance and be the twirling girl again everytime I see it. Fat chance of that happening anytime soon. And of course, girls kissing.
I am, if anything, a predictable media slut.
Kissing Video Removed by YouTube
1alliterative red
wrote on 18 September 2007 at 11:19
Hormonal hells tend to create crises of faith (I really hate being a girl sometimes). Don’t succumb, though!! Your blog is one of the bright spots in my desperate housewife-why-am-I-babysitting-these-two-girls
days…. And I love sharing what I find here with my friends–female and male! Which might just prove that “Content is Queen” but your content has substance and wit, and there isn’t nearly enough of that in the day-to-day. Enough cheerleading–back to life….
2Echo
wrote on 18 September 2007 at 11:35
“Do you have your period?”
“FUCK YOU!”
Oh shit, Nina!
LMFAO, that’s practically how every verbal exchange I have with Narcissus goes when I’m riding that cotton pony.
I am a total cuntface when I’ve got mine but the whole week I just fucking HATE men because they don’t have to bleed and ache and drown in raging estrogen once a month.
Come cuddle up with me honey, we’ll eat Rocky Road ice cream, and use up a box of Kleenex while watch Millenium Actress. I think have some Percocet around here somewhere…
Much love,
Echo
3Rob
wrote on 18 September 2007 at 17:13
Geez Nina, I could tell you had your period from the first sentence. (I guess that’s from living for 17 years with a woman).
Don’t make ANY decisions for at least four days (just in time for the weekend), have a nice glass of wine or two, and have Jeff or Lisa use one of the sex toys you review on you.
Bondage tape might be good…. A blindfold… a paintbrush… some lube and a butt plug….
You get the idea. Then you’ll be recharged to take on the internet (for at least 24 days until the PMS hits). Believe me, I know these things.
I had a huge fight with my wife on Sunday over her acting crazy about something small. She announced yesterday (Monday) that good old Auntie Flo’ had arrived. Maybe I’ll get some this weekend. [SIZE="2"]Hmmm that butt plug is around here somwhere….[/SIZE]
4Terry
wrote on 18 September 2007 at 21:23
Why is it that when women get hormonal men seem to lose almost all sense? I mean, if they were smart, wouldn’t they KNOW BETTER than to say something like “Do you have your period?”? I mean, isn’t that like lighting a cigarette in the middle of a gasoline flood and throwing the match down? And it’s not like we have any say-so over these fucking hormonal tidal waves. Why aren’t they at the front of the line demanding narcotics for their mates that are in misery? Surely they don’t think we ENJOY this, do they? Do they think we do this on purpose just to make their lives miserable? Yeah, like we got nothin’ better to do. Shit. Now where’d I leave my Sangria?
(and yes, I’m half kidding, and half not!) :)
5Eric Huchton
wrote on 18 September 2007 at 22:47
someone called me, I am a nurse (haha) I think i found your blog about the time i started writing mine–in fact a few others started theirs about the same time–most of us have stopped and/or slowed down a ton. seems like the life expectancy of a vigorous blog is about 18 months. I just don’t think my life is that special to write about everyday and if you think it is THAT special that you have to read it, then there is something wrong with YOU. Don’t quit. ON-ON Pimp Doggie Dawg/Eric
6saratoga
wrote on 18 September 2007 at 22:56
Nina-
Hi Sweetie. The kissing chicks do it for me every time!
I even have a few clips stashed for one of my own special video tuesdays, in your honor (did you see the one in Teri’s honor last week?).
xoxox
-saratoga
7michiko katsuhito
wrote on 18 September 2007 at 23:55
Buck up old girl and ride the monthly acheron river (greek for flowing pain)straight to Hell. I admire you, I should say it more. (Cor, I gues its so easy for me to say considering I’m surrounded by people for whom mental and physical pain is only something to shrug at.)
LOW PERIODS HAPPEN TO ALL OF US, EXCEPT MAYBE THESE BOYS OF MINE.
So listen to me. Your strngth lay from within, not without. Its easy to forget this in day to day life, and often we sometimes feel our own biology spends an unfair amount of time betraying us.
You’ve been through a lot this year, and there seems to be little renumeration for the price you’ve had to pay.
Els told me Jeff said what he said because he didn’t want you to see how secrely terrified he is for you. He said, men will attempt a brave front that can appear caustic, but when we gals are out of sight and sound they wring their hands and lament their feeling of helplessness to solve an unsolvable problem.
When I demanded Adam tell me why he insisted on drawing with a broken wrist he told me was sprained (eventually I found out) He said he did not want me to worry and that he’d cast it next week. Not good enough, go get it properly fixed.
He refused until his slate of assignments were complete including our project.
On content, you have nothing to worry about. If you look back over your prolific contributions, you’l see you’ve nothing to feel ambivelent about.
Remember, angel, it is you that inspire me and the girls here. You are the voice that we heard in our dreams and the spark within our hearts. You’ve transformed ways of thinking and feeling for more than I suspect you realize.
Michiko and Yoriki
8The Butterfly Temptress
wrote on 19 September 2007 at 9:27
Oh my beautiful yet admittedly lazy geisha…
I know where you are. I know how it feels. The struggles and questions may come for different reasons, but they’re the same.
You think you’ve got it bad? Honey, try the period that hasn’t ended for almost two years! Think that wouldn’t fuck you up for any great length of time? Guess again, my girl power vulvacracy vixen. Then blog about the injustices of it once more just for kicks.
You make this blog what it is. You’ve shaped lives and made them miserable, but then again, we know those targets deserved the misery. You write what no one else does in a way that no one else could. Remember that. Repeat it often.(If that doesn’t help, remind yourself that there are women who are so envious of you that it’s not even funny…almost to the point of homicide…oh yeah, they’re that jealous, sister!)
You’re a kick ass woman in a pansy ass world and in cyberia it’s no different.
You rock, Nina. Nothing else matters but that.
All my love,
The Butterfly Temptress
P.S.
Don’t you DARE stop blogging because if you try, I’ll have to kick your butt and if I have to find the energy to do that I’ll be doubly pissed because that’s energy that I could use doing other things. Naughty things that I could blog about on my own used-to-be sex blog. So don’t stop because I’d hate to have to hurt you even if I love you!) ;)
9Richard
wrote on 19 September 2007 at 12:19
Nina: What a sweetheart you are. I loved today’s writing. “Riding the cotton pony” is just classic as one of your fans said. Like you know already, I grew up with three sisters, had two daughters,and have six granddaughters, I just wish I had invested in Tampex, which by the way is made right here in Maine. The Air Show this past weekend had a booth looking for people to come to work making Tampex. Your blog was just perfect.Jeff and you are perfect.
Love you all Richard
10tru2me
wrote on 19 September 2007 at 20:42
I have never commented here, even though I am a regular reader. But I just had to on this one! I laughed outloud reading all your “FUCK” words. Especially your “FUCK YOU!” when your husband asked whether or not you were on your period. I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that I can completely relate to all the bullshit hormone levels you’re talking about, or that we’re so fucking predictable to men! Hmm.. I think for now I’ll pick all the shit we women have to deal with on a monthly basis(and for the love of GOD why does it get worse for us and our bodies AFTER having children?!), then give the slightest credence to ANYTHING some fucking shallow, selfish, dumb(and I mean dumb), arrogant, narcissistic, transparent man has to say.
Um, yeah… I’m divorced.
Is it that obvious?
11Alexa
wrote on 20 September 2007 at 4:33
LMAO! Damn, hormones can really make us crazy insane bitches. Your blog is fabulous and don’t begin thinking otherwise. Take a few days off and let the percocet go to work…you will come back with a refreshed look. The stars are all messed up this week, planet in this position and not in another….making us all screwed up messes. Look how many people are on hiatus…even Gillette is going through some weird stuff.
Hang in there…!!
xx oo’s
12Anastasia
wrote on 20 September 2007 at 8:27
LOL…sorry I shouldn’t laugh, but it’s the jovial laugh, the emphatic laugh..
I always tell myself, mind you I should be Post-Noting it all over my room, that I will take a breather a few days before the big P, but I say that three weeks before the first hormonal ripple hits, and by then, I forget, and get into this supersonic emotional state where I question everything, assess stuff, news items piss me off, all sorts of things and yep, gaze at my blog and think/ask/curse ‘what the eff am I doing?, and possibly rival James Randi in the skeptic stakes…and looking back, it’s quite fun (in a sardonic sadistic sense, I think ‘boolya Ana you’re mean’ and then I go back to (relatively) normal.
Your conversation made me laugh a little, it reminded me of the blow up I had Sunday, right through to last night, and then I got home and bingo. The Red Sea.
13dinsdale_piranha
wrote on 20 September 2007 at 11:21
This is pretty funny. My significant other and I have been living together for 15 years. I took me about 10 years (and 3 years after the birth of our first child several months after the birth of our second child) to finally pop the big question after some hormonal outburst. Yes, I slept on the couch that night. However, after been proven right (and in many months to follow), I am given warning (50% of the time).
14hapes
wrote on 21 September 2007 at 1:09
I had a thought while skimming content here, and since this post is about the possible potential for the consideration of removing this blog from existence, here’s a thought:
You respond to every single comment, and that’s great, it makes your readers feel like they’re part of your life. However, it DOES take a shitload of time (damn, the spellchecker didn’t like shitload). A possibility, at least, might be to not respond to EVERYONE. Just me.
15nina aoki
wrote on 21 September 2007 at 8:26
alliterative red,
Thank you for the kind words and for sharing your thoughts with me and welcome to geishaland!. Well, I have no intention of throwing in the towel just yet, but a little scorched earth rampage every now and then is good for the soul.
It’s good to know that my content as it were is appreciated, and I’m both appreciative and humbled to know that. Thank you.
xoxo,
nina
16nina aoki
wrote on 21 September 2007 at 8:29
Echo darling,
Mmmm, that’s how things have been with me and Jeffrey lately too, but it’s only a temporary setback. He takes it in stride tho, and won’t usually take the bait (fucker!) What fun is fighting if your opponent won’t fight back?
Oh sweetie, I’ve been a hateful bitch for the last few days and your ice cream offer sounds like the perfect remedy! And yes, always plenty of percocet please!
Thank you my dearest, you make getting up everyday fun! :kissing:
love,
nina
17nina aoki
wrote on 21 September 2007 at 8:33
Rob,
Those are all interesting ideas, I’ll have to think about what makes sense here. Tho sex is the last thing on my agenda right now!
“I had a huge fight with my wife on Sunday over her acting crazy about something small. She announced yesterday (Monday) that good old Auntie Flo’ had arrived.”
Sounds like you enjoy living dangerously! I would advise caution here.
Thanks,
xoxo,
nina
18nina aoki
wrote on 21 September 2007 at 8:36
Terry,
Oh sweetie, I don’t know! Men are simple creatures is my best guess! Tho they always seem to be the lit match when entering a room sprayed with gasoline. You know? If they only knew right? Grrrr!!!
Thanks sweetie, I appreciate you being there for me in my time of need! haha!
xoxo,
nina
19nina aoki
wrote on 21 September 2007 at 8:38
Eric,
Thanks for the encouragement. Well, some people lose their interest after a while. I started blogging at the end of 2005 and have run it this far, and I doubt I’m ready to shut up now, but thanks!
xoxo,
nina
20nina aoki
wrote on 21 September 2007 at 8:39
saratoga,
I’m glad you enjoyed the video sweetie. I haven’t been out and about for fear of taking my scorched earth campaign on the road. Probably not a good idea you know?
But I will soon when I feel better. Thanks honey.
xoxo,
nina
21nina aoki
wrote on 21 September 2007 at 8:40
Michiko and Yoriki,
Thank you my sweetest friends. You remind me everytime you visit me why I do this. I treasure the both of you and it makes me happy to see you here.
I’m sorry that I’m not terribly eloquent this morning, but I trust that you both know how much I appreciate your thoughts and words of advice and encouragement.
love,
nina
22nina aoki
wrote on 21 September 2007 at 8:43
Dearest Butterfly,
Oh sweetheart, I have no right to complain when compared to what you’re going thru, and I truly appreciate your kind words of encouragement and for always standing by me.
It’s a strange, strange world out there, and it’s taken me a while to truly understand how cyberia works, but I’m quite sure that I’ll find a way to continue in the same vein!
Thank you sweetheart,
love,
nina
23nina aoki
wrote on 21 September 2007 at 8:43
Richard,
Mmmm, yes, Echo does have a way with words which is all her own. Thanks so much for the kind words honey, they’re most appreciated.
xoxo,
nina
24nina aoki
wrote on 21 September 2007 at 8:47
tru2me,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me and welcome to geishaland!
Oh, I’m sure I’ve taken great liberty in painting my husband as an uncaring cad, but nothing could be further from the truth. Like any other couple, we have our own dynamics and idiosyncrasies, but that’s what makes us work. Tho it’s sometimes fun to pick on him, especially when he’s acting like an ass!
Thanks so much!
xoxo,
nina
25nina aoki
wrote on 21 September 2007 at 8:49
Alexa my sweet!
lol! Oh yes they can!!!
Thank you sweetie, I really appreciate the vote of confidence and for your kind words. They mean the world to me. Things are starting to balance out, but you know, stretching that out into a couple of extra days has advantages too! haha!
I’m not going on hiatus, but I’ve sensed a lot of weirdness out there too. For me that’s signal to jump right in with both feet!
Thanks!
xoxo,
nina
26nina aoki
wrote on 21 September 2007 at 8:52
Hi Ana!
Oh please do laugh! That’s how it’s always intended! If we can’t expose our weaknesses and laugh at them ourselves, we’re taking life way too seriously!
I think the irony of just how predictable we sometimes are is always worth exploring, and I wouldn’t be doing our gender justice if I adopted the same lockstep false indignation by burning the straw man just because he happened to be a man, and right!
You’re lovely Ana, and you really made me smile. Thanks hon!
xoxo,
nina
27nina aoki
wrote on 21 September 2007 at 8:54
dinsdale_piranha,
Mmm, many men have spent a night on the couch for wandering into those seas! But anytime you choose to cohabitate with a member of the fairer sex, you’re going to be living on the edge! I suppose that’s what makes it so much fun!
Thanks!
xoxo,
nina
28nina aoki
wrote on 21 September 2007 at 8:57
hapes,
No honey, you need to understand something… to quote Sting, “all her suicides are fake” - I’m not going anywhere.
Well, I started blogging at the end of 2005 and it’s now September 2007. A lot has happened to geishaland on her journey to where she is now, and I have always answered every comment, every email, every request.
If someone is going to take the time to read my words and offer their own, then I feel they deserve a response from me. That’s the way it’s always been and that’s how it will stay. People who share with me are part of my life!
Thanks!
xoxo,
nina