Tempest in a Teapot
Relationships are the incubator of human discontent. They don’t start out that way, but give it a few years and the next thing you know that basket of unfolded laundry which has been sitting in the hallway for two days straight becomes like the DMZ – everyone avoids it because if they actually went near “the basket”, they might have to take some responsibility for putting their own clothes away, and we can’t have that now can we? You want to talk all out act of war? Watch both my husband and son treat our home as if it were some super-classified military style obstacle course for them to navigate on their way to the refrigerator, because heaven forbid someone might actually move something or put something away on their way to scoring the last Twinkie. You want to know why there hasn’t been a woman elected president yet? Because if we were to ever get control of ‘the bomb’ we wouldn’t nuke Russia…not even Iran… nope… we’d herd all the men together in some worthless godforsaken desert wasteland, push the button, and never give it a second thought. You think we need men? Are you fucking kidding me? Do you have any idea how many sex toys I own? Procreation? That’s a laugh. Have you ever been pregnant motherfucker?
Oh it’s not that bad, is it? I know this is all a product of repressed female hormonal rage talking, but I’m not exactly wrong either, am I? It’s just that our ability to tolerate bullshit works on a sliding scale, and right now those scales are completely fucked up, making me one short fused out of control psychotic bitch from hell… with a blog and a large supply of chocolate. How much trouble do you think I could get into if I really wanted to? Um, nevermind. That list is way too long and there aren’t enough hours in the day to exorcise that kind of rage… I think I’ll just stick to torturing my family… for now.
I have wonderful memories of my former self tho, my twirling girl stage as I like to call it. It evokes a sort of Deadhead meets Ernest and Julio Gallo vibe but with better music and better wine. It’s kind of like that girl you always see at outdoor concerts who just twirls and twirls and twirls… for no good goddamn reason, but she just twirls away anyway. That’s how I usually feel, and I suspect how most of us feel going thru life on any given day; that we’re just twirling and twirling for no good reason but we do it anyway, and I can live with that. I really can. I can accept that my husband and son take me for granted, that I do most of the housework, do all of the grocery shopping, do most of the laundry, and take care of these two lugs because who the fuck else is going to do it? And that’s okay… really, it is. I accept that as my life. I am the twirling girl.
But was saving me that last Twinkie too much to ask?
I recently read an article where a Nebraska State Senator decided that it would be a good idea to sue God over a multitude of human sufferings, and most people dismissed his lawsuit as a frivolous publicity stunt, but I’m not so sure now. Maybe we need to reevaluate God’s divine fucking plan and get some fucking judicial relief on a few things here… like original sin, and menstruation, and labor pain, and how about my favorite… menopause?
Coincidentally, that very subject became the latest casualty on the battlefield in that soap opera war zone I like to call my home.
“How are you feeling?” he asked.
“Awful” I replied.
“That good huh?”
“You have no conception…”
“Oh. Right. I have a penis. I’m sorry. Thanks Lorena…” he quipped back at me.
“Don’t be a dick or you won’t have one for long.” I snapped back.
“Nina…, I’m staying as far away from you as I can without getting a room at the Marriott… so, don’t worry about it. I’m saving that for when you eventually do get to menopause…by then I should be completely desensitized to your psychotic behavior and I’ll be ready for the next Bush Surge…” as ‘Mister Insufferably Pleased With Himself’ joked.
“I could kill you with one blow you know…” I coldly whisper back.
“Uh huh…”
I’m not sure what scared me more; that I could actually envision his death, or that I liked what I saw. But these were fighting words.
“And who ate the last Twinkie?” I casually asked.
“Huh?” he replied.
“The Twinkie. Golden cake. Creamy white filling. Stupid fucking twinkie-cowboy man on the box… you know….the Twinkie. The empty box is still there… but no Twinkie.”
“We have Twinkies?”
Just then my son walked in the room, and as I glared at my husband I spoke thru gritted teeth, “You have no idea how close you just came to death do you?”
“Every goddamn day baby… every goddamn day… I think that’s why I married you… it’s kind of that badass girl mercenary thing you’ve got going on… you know, that whole Living by Chance, Loving by Choice, Killing for Profession Yakuza Bitch thing that I love about you? And you said yes… twice… so fuck me if you lose your goddamn sense of humor once a month… by the way, what’s for dinner honey?”
“How much is your life insurance worth again?”
I know I haven’t answered many emails or comments, but I’ll try to catch up with those sometime today, I promise. Things should resume their regular course here in geishaland in oh, about three more days, or so.
1tru2me
wrote on 20 September 2007 at 9:34
So I’m in a venting mood as well. Deal with it. Every month I go through the same goddamn thing, raging hormones where I turn into some psychotic bitch from hell. I know it when it’s happening. I feel it. This impending doom of insanity, where everyone and everything is WRONG in the world, and nothing can be done about it. I know it’s coming and even tell myself over and over again that it’s my hormones, it’s that time of the month, blah blah fucking blah. But just like every month it happens. Just like every month I inevitably get into a HUGE argument with someone… a man. Just like every month I yell at my kids for not doing what they’re supposed to be doing but haven’t been doing the other 3 weeks of the month anyway so why the fuck does it matter now?! I feel the impending doom and in my defense try and stop it. I do. I think that rational talking to myself will help. I actually believe that bullshit! I write down the date in my calender as the date to watch. I pay attention to how close I am coming to my impending doom. I even talk to myself, psyching myself up for what is about to happen. I coach. I cheerlead. I do every fucking thing under the sun in order to avoid the unavoidable! Oh, how I try. But it never works. I simply MUST let loose. I simply IGNORE the building up of my impending bitch-fest and let go on some unsuspecting soul. Only to repeat the same fucking thing month after month after month…
2tru2me
wrote on 20 September 2007 at 9:39
Oh, one more thing…
You’re right about herding all men together and nuking them… never giving it a second thought. Ahhh, such bliss.
This single mother of 4 needs no hero.
3alliterative red
wrote on 20 September 2007 at 11:29
my husband put the last two oreos in his vanilla ice cream. And left the package on the counter–just to get my hopes up! When I pouted in his ear did he share? NO. Not one little bite. Not even a kiss. His reason–I had asparagus breath and mixing that with cookies & cream is just gross. If he hadn’t been armed with a spoon, I’d have stolen a piece of cookie right out of his mug!
4dinsdale_piranha
wrote on 20 September 2007 at 11:50
This is truly funny. My wife yells at the kids, and they ignore her… And then she says “Wait till your father gets home”. And then I get the fun job of of deciding whether she is hormonal or if somebody has actually done something wrong.
Usually this is about homework. In addition, I am then stuck with the choice between sleeping on the couch or giving the kids a complex.
And they are about to become teenagers.
being a father is no piece of cake either.
I think that’s why I enjoy your hot lesbian tales so much.
5JW
wrote on 20 September 2007 at 12:17
Hey YB, could you let me know when it’s safe to come back in the water. Here’s some Terror alerts if you need something quick n dirty.
First Set
Second Set
Another Set
Much love and Namaste, ok. ;)
6Musns
wrote on 20 September 2007 at 13:29
Honey, want some ice cream?
That sounds good.
Hours later, I walk out of the bedroom to see him sitting on the sofa with a bowl of ice cream.
Where the hell is my ice cream? I ask.
I’m so sorry. You wanted ice cream? I can run to the store if you really want some.
Pricks - the whole lot of ‘em.
7Echo
wrote on 20 September 2007 at 16:01
Sweet, murderous Nina,
Oh my sweet Jeebus, I love a psychobitch to pieces, maybe we should hook up after all :P . Anyway as you know from reading my blog my ‘relationship’ has gone shithouse so I know your homicidal rage all too well.
On top of this I’m uber late! LMFAO, wouldn’t that just be awesome for me to be knocked up right now. I’m not too worried considering the only fucking thats been going on is a big fuck you to him but with the way my sense of timing is it’s not something I’m able to just disregard either.
Girl, if you need an ear to bitch at or a shoulder to gnaw on just pick up the phone and dial my digits.
Love you honey,
Echo
8Carol
wrote on 20 September 2007 at 16:03
What is it with people (and by “people” I mean men) who leave an empty carton or package where they found it? The only excuse is if they put it somewhere as a reminder to add more to the shoppong list.
So 20 years ago, my date & I head back to his place after a movie. He has offered me ice cream. He proudly opens the freezer and asks which I would like, strawberry or butter pecan? I ask for the strawberry. To his dismay, one tablespoon of ice cream remained. He nervously asked if the butter pecan was ok, and I said it was. Turns out the carton held the same amount. Just then his roommate shows up saying, “What, it’s not like I finished it.” (That would be the roommate who did not buy the ice cream.)
So there is cold comfort in knowing guys do this to each other, too.
9Terry
wrote on 20 September 2007 at 21:42
OMG! This is hilarious!! And it’s NOT FICTION!! It’s so damn true! Aggravating as hell, and we DO look the other way or put up shit the majority of the time, but sometimes you just can’t take it anymore. One of these mornings he just might wake up with “WHAT?” tattoed across his forehead in RED magic marker. Hmm, now where did I last see my magic marker…
Psycho Bitches, UNITE!
10m
wrote on 20 September 2007 at 22:10
I am single and I avoid my own messes. I like being a woman who lives like a slovenly bachelor man.
If I were married with kids, I would have to avoid even more cleaning and laundry! And probably get blamed since it seems like men (of a certain age) still think women are responsible for housework.
Anyway, in my experience younger guys (20’s, early 30’s) who have been raised by progressive parents tend to be much less hung up on gender roles. That’s why I prefer younger men!
11hapes
wrote on 21 September 2007 at 1:03
So, tru2me, as a single mother of 4, I’d argue that you already are the hero. But there IS one question I would ask, as the non-single father of 2:
How the HELL do you have time to do all the shit the kids do (like baseball, etc). Coz I know that fuckall if I have any free time. Why the hell do you think I’m up at 1AM reading blogs.
12nina aoki
wrote on 21 September 2007 at 9:05
tru2me,
Oh honey, the universal rage of womanhood! Please feel free to vent all you like! People who think that what we do in this world is not valuable haven’t got a clue. We are everything, and we allow everything else to happen.
But I couldn’t possibly compete with being a single mother of four! My goodness! You’ve got your hands full and every reason to be pissed off!
What men don’t understand is when one of us is wronged, it devalues all of them in our eyes, and the danger is that we become cynical. I would only suggest that while the rage we feel is real and valid, we must always work to “teach” the men in our lives better ways.
But I completely empathize with you honey. Try and keep your head up and stay strong!
xoxo,
nina
13nina aoki
wrote on 21 September 2007 at 9:07
alliterative red,
Doesn’t it just figure? lol! What is it with guys always screwing us over when it comes to food?? Bastards!!!
Don’t they know that a girl’s gotta eat too? Grrr!
xoxo,
nina
14nina aoki
wrote on 21 September 2007 at 9:07
dinsdale_piranha,
lmao! Oh honey, it sounds like you spend a lot of time on that couch of yours! Maybe you need a new approach!
xoxo,
nina
15nina aoki
wrote on 21 September 2007 at 9:09
JW,
lol! Mmmm, Namaste, baby. Thanks.
Well, I’m no longer at Elmo if that’s any help!
xoxo,
nina
16nina aoki
wrote on 21 September 2007 at 9:10
Musns,
See? What is it with guys and food??
Grrr!!! And like, who does the grocery shopping and cooking, right?
Unbelievable!
xoxo,
nina
17nina aoki
wrote on 21 September 2007 at 9:12
Echo darling,
Oh honey, I think my rant has put me on the homeland security watch list for forming a crazed bitches jihadi group! Well, as long as they have percocet at Gitmo! hahaha!
Oh no! You’re not! OMG! Well, it serves his ass right now doesn’t it?
Oh sweetie, yes, let’s talk soon!
Mwah!
love,
nina
18nina aoki
wrote on 21 September 2007 at 9:16
Carol,
Can you take it? I have no clue. I can go in my refrigerator anytime day or night and find some empty box or carton of something and have the both of them completely deny any involvement!
You know, I’ve become increasingly convinced that if we refused to take care of these lugs in our lives, they’d all revert back to caveman status, and probably enjoy it too. sigh…
Thanks hon,
xoxo,
nina
19nina aoki
wrote on 21 September 2007 at 9:17
Terry,
lol! Oh yeah it is! Live and direct as they like to say! Right from the lazy geisha’s life to your computer screen! hahaha!
It’s amazing how far I’ve tapped into our universal rage here now isn’t it?
xoxo,
nina
20nina aoki
wrote on 21 September 2007 at 9:19
m,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me and welcome to geishaland!
Well, there’s certainly that liberation and freedom of making that kind of choice for yourself! Tho you might be on to something about younger men and how they’ve been raised. It would seem to hold true that certain generational shifts in attitudes will eventually filter down.
Thanks!
xoxo,
nina
21nina aoki
wrote on 21 September 2007 at 9:20
hapes,
Careful there sweetie!
xoxo,
nina
22dinsdale_piranha
wrote on 21 September 2007 at 17:33
Oh contraire. Since she has chosen to be honest, our relationship has gotten better during her hormonal times. I do spend more time grovelling, but that is much better than the couch!
23Whitenoise
wrote on 21 September 2007 at 22:11
Being an asshole is not the exclusive domain of my gender.
Let’s see… besides being the sole breadwinner in my family, I cooked dinner tonight, cleaned up afterwards and got three kids to bed.
I also helped psycho-bitch paint HER ensuite, ’cause this project JUST HAD TO BE DONE TODAY!
Now, here I am on the pull-out couch in my office, ’cause I’ve just had enough of her shit and I don’t feel like grovelling for sex.
But, yeah… you females definitely have it tougher…. Imagine- somebody else had the nerve to eat YOUR icecream….
24Alexa
wrote on 21 September 2007 at 22:35
Oh Nina! You had me howling again on this one and it made me pull out my stories about how I would be left starving if on a deserted Island. I just posted on mine using yous as a reference, seriously, men suck when they think they can have the last one!
xx’s
25Tasha
wrote on 22 September 2007 at 1:20
wow. goddamn. that was some good venting. very eloquent. i wish i was that eloquent when pissed. you rock.
26JW
wrote on 22 September 2007 at 12:01
This sounds like an episode of the BBC show “Coupling”.
Does this mean all women aren’t nymphomaniacs and have their own breweries? ;)
27nina aoki
wrote on 22 September 2007 at 21:00
dinsdale_piranha,
Well, groveling is good for a man! It builds character! But it most certainly must be better than the couch!
xoxo,
nina
28nina aoki
wrote on 22 September 2007 at 21:01
Whitenoise,
Hmmmm, well, I hope the sheets were clean!
btw: I’m enjoying my Ben & Jerry’s vanilla right now!
xoxo,
nina
29nina aoki
wrote on 22 September 2007 at 21:03
Hi Alexa!
Thanks hon! Your post was hysterical! And I agree, I’m tired of always getting the ’shaft’ and not in a good way either!
xoxo,
nina
30nina aoki
wrote on 22 September 2007 at 21:03
Tasha,
lol! Thanks sweetie! I do my best!
xoxo,
nina
31nina aoki
wrote on 22 September 2007 at 21:04
JW,
lol! No, I don’t think so. :silly:
Thanks!
xoxo,
nina
32omi
wrote on 10 October 2007 at 10:19
this is GREAT! lol.
i came to this from your other post about not venting like this often…but feel free to let loose when u gotta.
peace
33nina aoki
wrote on 11 October 2007 at 11:58
omi,
Thanks! Yes, this was one of those rare moments when my balance wasn’t quite what it usually is!
xoxo,
nina