Scene from a kitchen, in Boston
A couple of weeks ago I went on a rampage and wrote what were probably the most invective filled rants I ever written since I started blogging, and despite the many ‘You go girlfriend!’ type of comments I received, I knew somewhere in the back of my mind that if I kept that up for any length of time it very well could turn into my jump the shark moment and spell nothing but trouble for geishaland.
It’s always been important to me that I try to remain centered and balanced, and true to myself, especially in this medium because it’s impossibly easy to get sucked into the emotional black void of cyberia where so many often wind up trading every shred of something resembling reality for a mainline bolus of digital instant gratification, and like the cyber-junkies we’ve all become, getting hooked is only a matter of time and perspective – and that’s never been a hole I’ve ever wanted to wander into only to never find my way out of it again.
But more significantly, this whole peace-zen balance trip of mine is also how I try to live my life in the realm of the real; something I’ve been very good at doing all my life, but what this recent change in tone really signaled to me was that there was something deeply wrong somewhere else in my little world, and I needed to address it before the need to do a damage assessment on my life became necessary.
It was actually so bad that I felt like a crime scene waiting to happen.
So I emailed a few friends and basically said, “Look, I need to take a little break from all this and deal with some issues at home before I wind up with my own 20/20 special, and not as the guest hostess if you get my meaning.”
Those I chose to trust with this revelation that I was coming apart at the seams were extremely supportive and understanding, and one friend actually said, “I am happy to hear that real life can creep in on you too. You my dear, are a hard act for women in this world to follow.” – I was completely humbled and blown away by this to say the very least.
Another very good friend wrote me and said, “You’ll be fine. It’s a good thing for you to just turn off the blog for the time being and maintain your life in the shape you want it to be.” – so turn it off I did, and then set out to figure out what my malfunctioning psyche was all about.
One thing which has been an extremely relevant clue as to why I’ve been stuck in Yakuza mode was the decision I made eight months ago to come off birth control pills, and as many of us know, the hidden bonus to taking birth control is being able to regulate your cycle, and depending on your point of view, or sense of humor, or how politically correct you feel like being, when your cycle is fucked up, so are you. Most of us go thru life with huge chips on our shoulders over the raw deal we’ve received from God because we’re convinced beyond any reasonable doubt that guys don’t get it, they’re never going to get it, and we’re too tired and too pissed off about it to explain it to you, again. But even that was too easy.
It’s true that I’ve been difficult to live with since I made that decision, but something else was gnawing away at me, and, I’d also stopped talking to my husband about what was going on with me… which only made things worse.
When you don’t talk, when you don’t make the effort to at least try and communicate how you’re feeling to your partner, it’s simply a recipe for disaster, and somehow over the last few months, I got stuck in that infinite loop of not talking, and couldn’t see my way out – and I think that happened sometime after I had my miscarriage.
Sometimes all it takes to send things off course is not adequately dealing with traumatic events. I’ve had friends who wear the scars of life as if they were wrapped in pieces of Kevlar body armor; always ready to strike and completely convinced of their impenetrable invincibility. It’s a condition called denial.
But I think, or I believe at least, that that singular event really fucked me up and I never allowed myself to adequately deal with the pain. I knew I was angry, I knew I was hurting, but I didn’t understand why.
So we started talking again. Me and Jeff. About that, and a lot of other things which haven’t been on the table for a while, and things started getting better.
I guess the way I look at it now is if we’ve known each other for so many years, we’ve been divorced, we found our way back to each other, we got remarried, and we fought for something which is really the greatest mystery of life; loving each other and the faith to believe in something so intangible, but so encompassing that without it we all collapse into that hole of looking for something, anything to fill the void – be it drugs, sex, alcohol, shopping, or cyberia, just to try and kill the pain of loneliness.
And then you finally realize that when you’ve taken every kind of pill… nothing ever seems to cure your ills.
I’ve come to believe that there are no magic bullets, no special cure-alls to fix what ails our fragile selves in this life, but talking to the one you share your bed and your life with helps. Or, at least it has helped us.
Then, another friend of mine called me, who happens to practice astrology, or, should I say, she’s an accountant who likes to think she’s an astrologer, but anyway, she called and said, “Hey girl! You know… the stars are really wreaking havoc on relationships right now!”
“You don’t say…”
1JW
wrote on 8 October 2007 at 20:08
On rare occasions, I have to take a note I have in my wallet and read it. It says, “One of the great tricks in life is to convert everything to good.”
Sometimes it’s hard to remember that.
For the rest of the 364 days and 23 hours and 30 minutes of the year, I pretty much feel this way. This, I don’t have to remember. ;)
2alliterative red
wrote on 9 October 2007 at 9:00
Restarting the conversation, especially in the middle of grief, is hard. I send good thoughts & “zen hugs” your way.
3The Butterfly Temptress
wrote on 9 October 2007 at 11:34
Whether I’m here or not, know that you and yours are always in my thoughts, Nina.
Love,
The Butterfly Temptress
4nina aoki
wrote on 9 October 2007 at 16:05
JW,
:w00t: lmao! I love FSJ! One of my favorite daily reads! And that particular philosophy is also one which I remember without any effort whatsoever! Tho Jeff gets mad about FSJ because he didn’t think of it first! haha!
Well, we can try to find the good in the bad, but that just comes down to your outlook on life in general, and for the most part, I’m doing okay on that one.
Namaste, JW. I honor the place where your links become one with my bookmarks.
xoxo,
nina
5nina aoki
wrote on 9 October 2007 at 16:11
alliterative red,
It is, yes. Tho there’s just so much to the story of me and Jeff. I mean, with everything we’ve been thru together, and apart, and with the commitment we’ve made to each other, these things usually work themselves out with a little time - but it has been hard sometimes to go back and revisit painful things. I guess I just didn’t allow myself the time to grieve, or even understand how much it affected me. I’m coming to terms with it, and I don’t want to make it bigger than it needs to be, but things are better.
Thanks for the zen hugs! Those are always appreciated! :kissing:
xoxo,
nina
6nina aoki
wrote on 9 October 2007 at 16:13
My dearest sweet Butterfly,
Thank you sweetheart. That, and you, truly mean the world to me. I sent you a note to see how you were doing, and I want you to know that you’re always in my thoughts too. I hope things are getting better.
love,
nina
7m
wrote on 10 October 2007 at 13:48
Here is my opinion: There can be no “jump the shark” moment on a personal blog. Whatever you want to write about is fine because in the end you write for yourself not your readers. I often regret something I have written or the tone in which I write something, but I try to sit at my computer and let whatever happens to be on my mind guide me.
I started reading your blog because of the sex talk last year when I visited a lot of sexually oriented sites. Now, I tend to read blogs about “real people” which is why I still visit your blog and not a lot of the other sexually oriented blogs I used to visit.
8nina aoki
wrote on 11 October 2007 at 12:02
m,
Oh I would tend to agree with you on that, and I absolutely write for myself.
I think what the issue is (and has been) was that I originally started out as one of those sexually orientated sites, and to some degree, there’s a lot of sexual information and things posted here and that likely isn’t about to change anytime soon, however, what I discovered is that once a blog falls into that category of being a “sex blog” there can sometimes be difficulties in breaking that mold. When a person writes about sex, you also unfortunately have to deal with expectations that you continue to write about sex, and when you don’t, you bump into that clique mentality which is quite prevalent in that walled off community.
So now I do what I want, and my hope is that people choose to read me because of me, and not because of the sex.
That’s much more important.
Thanks much!
xoxo,
nina
9JW
wrote on 11 October 2007 at 15:21
“So now I do what I want, and my hope is that people choose to read me because of me, and not because of the sex.”
Well, that and the wicked Tuesday vids of girls kissing.
Yes, I’m shallow, yet quite profound. ;)
Much love and Namaste and peace out y’all.
10nina aoki
wrote on 11 October 2007 at 16:01
JW,
lmao! Oh I knew it was something keeping you around!
Well, we’ll still have those here. I mean, this town ain’t dry yet!
Namaste.
xoxo,
nina
11orchidea
wrote on 13 October 2007 at 0:02
Sometimes getting off, stepping back, retreating, refocussing is the only way forward.
Take care, dear Nina,
orchidea xxx
12nina aoki
wrote on 13 October 2007 at 6:36
orchidea,
Well, it was absolutely essential for me. In a way, it was the only way for me to go forward, as difficult as some of those decisions ultimately were, they were the right ones.
Sometimes, the only way to find yourself is to stop looking.
Be well, sweet orchidea.
xoxo,
nina
13Angela
wrote on 15 October 2007 at 13:59
I’m glad you have you have found your path again. It is hard to be the women to carry everything and to create live, but that is way we love another. Love is a support. Love sucks sometimes, but love is the greatest thing to happen to us.
HugsKissSmile
Angela
14nina aoki
wrote on 15 October 2007 at 15:30
Hi Angela,
How are you sweetie!
Well, you know, it’s been a long road, and sometimes it was tough to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but the thing which always kept me going thru it all was the knowledge that there was a light at the end of the tunnel!
Love is always wonderful, its relationships which sometimes suck! haha!
Thank you sweetheart,
xoxo,
nina