For Better. For Worse.
It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell. – Buddha
In Buddhism, the Koi fish represents courage. Humans swim thru the ocean of suffering without fear… just as the fish swims thru water, yet fear is all around me, and courage has been difficult to find.
I started planning for my wedding day when I was about eight years old. It’s something hardwired into our dna I think, this instinctual desire to pair and bond for life; a compulsion which exists no matter how much we try and wrap ourselves with intellectual folly and disillusionment. It is a living breathing thing within us from which there is no escaping.
We first fall in love with the idea of love, without ever truly understanding what it means to love someone. We become enraptured by the fantasy of Prince Charming riding up on a white horse, his silver armor gleaming in the sunlight, and a smile which could bend rainbows… and then we grow older and the fantasy becomes bathed in the sanguine waters of reality, yet the dream always remains the same.
I saw myself walking down the aisle in a dress of white lace and silk, a thin veil covering my face, flowers in my hair and in my hands, as I waited to be presented, given away, cherished and loved by two men but in different ways, yet still very much the same – and as the dream took form, much of this is exactly the way it happened for me, and then I was married. I was someone’s wife. I was still a daughter, still a lover, but now… also a wife, with his name, with his property, with a claim and a place in this world.
It’s interesting that we still define so much of ourselves by the titles we carry, but I’ve always loved ‘wife’ the best. Even more than mother, even more than lover, wife means something else. It means that a man loved you enough to make you his own, and thru this, we find that final piece of the puzzle, the answer to the elusive question about what it means to be a woman.
When we made the vow ‘For better, for worse’ no one could have ever convinced me just how much that would be tested in my life. We have known ‘better’, and for much of my life spent with my husband, it has been better. But for as high as we’ve reached, we’ve also stood at the gates of Hell, many times.
In 1998 the hardest decision I would ever make would be asking the man I loved to leave our home. It wasn’t because the love had died, it was because I loved him so much that it was killing me. He was killing me, and if I had remained, or if I had allowed him to remain, I’m quite sure that my spirit would have been extinguished. The pain was too great. The sorrow was too heavy, and I couldn’t live another day with this man who meant everything to me, and who had answered every question I’d ever had about love with a single look, without sacrificing everything.
Time it seems is a river, and the currents of this river brought us home many years later – a little smarter, a little wiser, and a lot more willing to listen to one another, and the light which had dimmed to a dull pallor of candlelight was once again bright and vibrant and filled with love, and once again I felt complete.
Yet suffering is all around us, and these last few weeks have once again tested my vow of ‘For better, for worse’, as I watched the man I love dying before my eyes. Doctors and nurses rushing in and out of his room like a storm of angry ants – drugs… medicines… tubes…an endless web of tubes running in and out of his broken body; are they saving him or killing him?
And I prayed. Waves of tears crashing over my face and falling like rains from the heavens as I leaned over him as he slept and whispered;
“Please don’t leave me again… please…”
I have tried to understand that nothing in this life is permanent, and that the essence of spirit is transient. The body is a vehicle for the spirit, and all things must die, but I’m not ready to let go. I don’t know what I would do without him.
If there is any lesson I have learned in this life is that to truly love someone, you must learn to love them more than you love yourself, and you must not fear the loss of love, and the only way to conquer your fear is to surrender to love itself.
My husband is now home and recuperating. I’m hesitant to talk much more about what happened to him; it is enough to know that his form in this life was close to ending. It has not ended. My own thoughts are a clouded jumble of conflicting emotions, and I’m struggling to find my center again. Words have been difficult for me lately, but this too shall pass.
For now… it is enough to know that I swim thru the ocean of suffering without fear and I am surrounded with peace, joy and love.
A grateful wife.
1Terry
wrote on 29 November 2007 at 20:25
Dear Nina,
Oh My God. I am so sorry. I am also very glad that he’s back home and still here on earth with you. Can’t remember if I ever told you, but I too also remarried my first husband. Like you, I also feel I would be lost without him. We have a much more meaningful, deeper connection than ever before, so I think I understand just what you mean and where you’re coming from.
I am sorry for all the pain and turmoil I’m sure you all have had to experience as of late. I hope that’s all behind you now, and everyone is able to appreciate having more time together and just being alive.
Much love & peace,
Terry
2alexd
wrote on 29 November 2007 at 22:26
May all your prayers find your God’s ear!
3iche
wrote on 30 November 2007 at 0:13
Dear nina,
I am sorry to hear what has been happening in your life. I hope things will get better. You are a strong woman. I dont know you, but i can feel your strength. You are an amazing woman.You and your family will be in my prayers.
sincerely,
iche
4hapes
wrote on 30 November 2007 at 1:11
Allow me to say ‘holy crap’. I was curious why you had not posted for a while, and now I know why.
For your husband: hayaku yokunatte kudasai
For you: I only know the you that you present here, but I do know that you have the strength to continue.
Bill.
5Richard
wrote on 30 November 2007 at 9:46
Nina: It is ironic that Jeff and I have been there at the same time. I’m so lucky to be alive. I know Jeff feels the same. I wish Jeff a speedy healing, I know I’m healing and feeling much better than I have in a long time. Bless you both,and It was very uplifting to see your new post. I always look. Keep your chin lifted to the spirits, take care. Love Richard
6Aimee
wrote on 30 November 2007 at 10:40
Oh, gorgeous, I wish I could hold you. Both of you.
You are one of the strongest and most beautiful women I’ve ever known. And handsome Jeff, well, since the day I met him he’s always been this incredibly bright spot in my life. I love you both so very much, and though I don’t say it as often as I should, I am extremely blessed to call you my friends.
Stay strong, my love, and remember I’m here if ever you should need me. Always.
All my love,
Aimee
Love has no desire but to fulfill itself. To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving. — Kahlil Gibran
7Rob
wrote on 30 November 2007 at 10:58
Dear Nina,
A loving relationship is “for better for worse.” I’m sure to you and Jeff this is one of those “worse” times. One strength he has is your strength and love. Build on that together. When he heals, celebrate that love and life together.
My dear wife calls my embrace “the safest place in the world.” May you find your safest place again.
Rob
8nina aoki
wrote on 30 November 2007 at 11:06
Hi Terry,
Thank you sweetheart. Your words really mean a lot to me. You know, I’m not sure you ever did tell me that you remarried your first husband. When those things happen in our lives I think it’s a sign from the universe about where we’re supposed to be!
In all the time that I’ve been keeping an online journal and sharing my thoughts with the world, it’s all been about trying to explain and make sense of something that to this day still defies any real explanation, that being my relationship and life with Jeff. He was the reason I started keeping a blog in the first place. If I had to describe geishaland I think it’s kind of like the X-Files! You’ve got the continuing narrative of our life and every once in a while you get the “monster of the week” post/episode and a toy review or two!
:biggrin:
ugh…! anyway… sorry, my mind is still a bit scattered!
Jeff is doing better. The hardest thing for him right now is getting up and walking around and taking care of his surgical incision. He’s managing pretty well with his medications, but he’s kind of cranky and I’m still sleeping in the guest room. But at least my mother-in-law is going home soon! hahaha!
Thank you so much for your kind words and for your friendship sweetie. It’s really appreciated.
xoxo,
nina
9nina aoki
wrote on 30 November 2007 at 11:11
alexd,
Thank you so much for your kind words!
xoxo,
nina
10nina aoki
wrote on 30 November 2007 at 11:15
iche,
What a lovely thing to say, thank you so much. I find strength in my relationship, and I draw strength and comfort from that. The hardest thing for me has always been that feeling of being “disconnected” from him. It was incredibly hard for me to just sit there and watch what was happening to him and feeling so powerless, but in the big picture, what he went thru was far worse. For me, it was about being emotionally lost. The kind of suffering he went thru is truly indescribable… but as he’s been reminding me lately, he’s “one tough motherfucker” so his spirits are certainly right where they should be!
That’s my Jeffrey!
Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers.
xoxo,
nina
11nina aoki
wrote on 30 November 2007 at 11:27
Bill,
Arigato. I’ll pass your get well message along to him!
I was simply unable to pull my head together enough to even think about geishaland or even writing as all of this was happening. Good lord! Who could? But please let me fill in some blanks: Jeff’s surgery was planned, but he developed a post-operative infection which they thought might be tuberculosis. So, he had major abdominal surgery and then the infection came up. He had been on immuno-modulator drugs prior to surgery and his doctors believe that his immune system was just so compromised that his body couldn’t fight the infection. He spent close to a week in the ICU and the antibiotics weren’t working. He had a couple of close calls when he fell into respiratory distress. But he pulled thru and is now healing and resting at home.
ugh… I’m sorry… I’ve gone and blathered about boring medical stuff. I’ve just been telling the same story to all our friends and family that it’s kind of become habit. Please forgive me.
Well, the nina you find in this space is the same nina you’d find in the real world, but I understand your meaning and I appreciate the vote of confidence!
We’ll be okay, and yes, I know that the strength to continue will be renewed.
Thanks so much.
xoxo,
nina
12nina aoki
wrote on 30 November 2007 at 11:35
Good Morning Richard,
Well honey, I’m really happy that you’re feeling better and all those lovely women who depend on you in their lives will have you around!
I’m certainly grateful that Jeff is getting better, but he’s been teasing me a bit about being so worried and for being such a mother hen! I tend to come a bit unglued at the seams when Jeff isn’t well, but he takes it in much better stride than I do I guess.
He’s up and walking around like he’s supposed to, and he’s taken a 12 week medical leave from work so everything else is fine. At least all we have to worry about is him getting better, and I’m sure he’ll be back to his normal charming self in a few weeks or so.
Thank you so much for your kindness and for your lovely words sweetheart. They mean the world to me.
xoxo,
nina
13nina aoki
wrote on 30 November 2007 at 11:44
Aimee,
Oh Angel, thank you so much. I was so afraid. I can’t even begin to tell you just how much I melted down. Does the phrase “hysterical mess” work? That probably comes close to describing me these last few weeks. It all seems like such a blur now too.
You know something, we love you just as much. Out of all of the people who were in Jeff’s life before we got back together, you and Rhoda are the only two who are there and who mean everything to us. You and Rhoda are the sisters Jeff never had, and you mean a lot to him. He’s always been very protective and endearing about you and I’m so glad that you and I became close too. We feel blessed that you’re in our life.
I’m doing better now, and so is Jeff. I think it’s because he’s home and I know that he’s going to be okay. Even tho I’m still sleeping in the guest room, just the fact that he’s home and near me and in the house is enough. Plus I get to play naughty nurse now too! hahahaha!
(I would only tell you this, but he’s a miserable bastard when he’s sick!) :angel:
I love you Angel and thank you so much for being there.
love,
nina
14nina aoki
wrote on 30 November 2007 at 11:51
Rob,
Yes, very much so. The next part of the vow is “in sickness and in health”, and when you really think about the vows you’re taking and what they really mean, it all takes on a new significance when these kind of things happen.
Our life and history together is so complicated, so complex, so amazing, and yet so simple. We just love one another in ways which evade words, and I think the best way to describe it would be my Yin to his Yang.
Yin is the feminine, represented by Earth and Water, which describe the forces which rule my life. I am a Water elemental, bound by Earth, and Yang is the masculine, represented by Fire and Air, and that describes my Jeffrey perfectly. He is ruled by Air and he burns with passion and intensity of Fire.
And together, we are harmony.
Thank you for sharing such a lovely and personal sentiment from your wife. That’s so beautiful and you’re a very lucky man.
Thanks so much hon for your kind words. :kissing:
xoxo,
nina
15Aimee
wrote on 30 November 2007 at 12:18
I think all men are miserable bastards when they’re sick!! Not us women of course because really, we’re always angelic, aren’t we? LOL.
I’m very happy and thankful our Jeff’s feeling better. I have no biological brothers only a step and we’ve never shared the bond I’m blessed to share with Jeff. It’s a lovely thing. I’m quite protective of him too. And you, my love. YOu both mean more to me than I could possibly say.
Naughty nurse, huh? Sounds delicious! Do you have one of those sexy little outfits? If so, I want pictures!! LOL.
And you’re entitled to be a hysterical mess when the “one” you love is ill or hurting. But, I have to say, it speaks to your character, that even in hysterical mess mode, you held it together and gave him what he needed. You’re beautiful, gorgeous.
I love you too and you’re welcome. I’m always here–morning, noon, night, the crack of dawn, whenever.
Mwah,
Aimee
16nina aoki
wrote on 30 November 2007 at 13:51
Angel,
I can’t tell you how much that means to me to know that you’re there for us.
lol! Oh good lord no! When I wasn’t feeling well Jeff certainly got a taste of his own medicine! But you know, he’s been dealing with this medical issue for so long that he’s almost become used to it I think.
I’m really happy that you and Jeff have that sibling bond. I know how much you mean to him and that makes me happy that he can experience having sisters.
lmao! Well, I don’t have a nurse costume yet, but he doesn’t seem to mind too much. But I’ll be honest with you, sex is the last thing on his mind right now, of course he doesn’t turn down blowjobs! What man does? But I’m wondering how long I’m going to have to wait to get laid again! hahaha! I think it’s going to be a while! Maybe once his incision has healed I can climb on top!
I tried my best not to let him see me fall apart, but I think he knew and he tried to put a brave face on for my benefit, like he always does, but he really suffered this time. This is the fifth time he’s had surgery in 20 years and I’m not sure how much more he can take. But, you know, Jeff is Jeff… he’ll never change.
I love you Angel and thank you so much for being there!
Mwah! :kissing:
xoxo,
nina
17Carol
wrote on 30 November 2007 at 14:42
Best wishes for a speedy and complete recovery!
18Steffy
wrote on 30 November 2007 at 14:47
Oh Nina I have been waiting anxiously as to what was going on. I have been checking here often with tension in me knowing something was terrably wrong. It has been so long since I have posted but I always read and send you warmest thoughts even though it is quietly.
I am sooo relieved that this post comes with the bad news and the good news. I am overjoyed that your husband has made it through and so dearly sorry you and your family suffered so grately. I couldn’t image and don’t ever want to, the feelings and emotions you sufferd. I am releived to know that is all getting better. That you so much for letting us know! You have more friends keeping you in their thoughts than you know. Take Care Sweet Nina so you can take good care of your husband, another sacred part of you!
Always sending you love,
steffy
19Simply Alexa
wrote on 30 November 2007 at 14:59
… that to truly love someone, you must learn to love them more than you love yourself, and you must not fear the loss of love, and the only way to conquer your fear is to surrender to love itself.
Nina - you have grasped exactly what it is to love and to feel sorrow, by looking at in we see it and surrender and then find life again or joy. It is so true that love means loving that person more than yourself, by doing this we are freer to love as well as give it up. My thoughts are going your way! Just remember one thing as he heals, do not ever forget these days, what you learned and how you felt. These are life lessons. :-))
Take care!
Abbracci!!!!!!!!!!
20Peter Johnson
wrote on 30 November 2007 at 17:33
Dear Nina,
I am stunned and simultaneously uplifted (at the end) by your post. I don’t know you other than the blog, and yet to read your post, so personal, so intensely deep, moves and moved me poignantly. I wish you comfort, solace, soothing love, warm soothing love, with great fervor and emotion, my heart reaches out to sooth your heart and soul.
Love,
Pete
21nina aoki
wrote on 30 November 2007 at 22:21
Hi Carol!
Thank you sweetheart! :kissing:
xoxo,
nina
22nina aoki
wrote on 30 November 2007 at 22:31
Hello my sweet Steffy!
Oh thank you so much honey! That is so kind of you to say and it’s sincerely appreciated! It means so much to me to know that I have friends who care so much and who share themselves with me. I’m always happy to hear from you too!
Well, the hardest thing for me was the real fear of losing him, and I have to confess to you, my real weakness and greatest fear in this life is being ‘disconnected’ from Jeff. When I don’t have that intangible connection with him, everything falls apart for me and I cease to function. Maybe that makes me weak and needy in that regard, but I don’t do so well in this world without him. He’s just become a part of me, and if I lost him, I’m really not sure how I’d go on.
I’m truly very grateful that he’s going to be okay, and it’s taken me a few days to get my head together enough to even begin to think about writing again, but things are moving back towards the center for me. I think probably because he’s at home now. I was at the hospital as much as I could be when he was there, but at night when I had to come home and he wasn’t here, I kind of lost it in a big way. I couldn’t sleep and really couldn’t do much of anything.
I’m so thankful for Lisa and for my other girlfriends and family members who all came together to make sure my son was taken care of so I could be at the hospital as much as possible. And even tho I’m still sleeping in the guest bedroom so Jeff can rest, I’m okay because he’s here. Maybe that doesn’t make much sense but that’s just how I am.
Thank you so much Steffy for your kindness and for your love and friendship. It means so much to me. :happy:
love,
nina
23nina aoki
wrote on 30 November 2007 at 22:36
My Dearest Alexa,
Oh yes, I completely agree. The truest form of love is selfless love, and when that love is returned in kind to us, only then do we understand the absolute purity and beauty of the connection with another human being.
I’ve taken so many lessons from this experience, and I think the biggest one is to cherish every moment we have with each other while we’re here, and not to dwell on petty, insignificant things.
If you’re lucky enough to find love in this world… :heart:
:kissing: Thank you so much Alexa for your beautiful words. The light of your spirit shines brightly my sweet and I cherish your friendship.
love,
nina
24nina aoki
wrote on 30 November 2007 at 22:43
Peter,
Why thank you! What an incredibly sweet and thoughtful thing to say! I’m sincerely humbled and flattered by your kindness and generosity.
I’m doing better and it would seem as tho I’ve rediscovered my voice, so maybe the words will come easier now.
I felt as if I were trapped behind a wall which reached to the heavens and which surrounded me on all sides as we went thru this ordeal. I simply just couldn’t make the words come out - but now, like the waters which guide my spirit, the floodgates have reopened.
Thank you so much sweetie. :cheerful:
xoxo,
nina
25Tasha
wrote on 1 December 2007 at 0:52
nina, damn.
even in such a situation, you manage to capture such emotion with your words, i literally felt my heart move as i read this. i can’t even imagine- but i commend your strength, and am truly inspired by your spirit, much love and healing energy is sent from my place on this planet to yours, enjoy every blessed moment, every day, and never forget the simplest joy that means you are alive. nothing is greater than love.
all my love,
tasha
26Simply Alexa
wrote on 1 December 2007 at 14:03
Ah Nina - you are a doll! Thank you for your nice words! I have found that love and truly understand what it is to love another person more than my life and myself.
Abbracci!
27nina aoki
wrote on 1 December 2007 at 20:28
Sweet Tasha,
Thank you so much for your heartfelt words and such very kind compliments.
Perhaps the hardest thing I think any of us ever have to confront is human mortality, and while I didn’t lose my husband, that very real possibility loomed like a dark specter over me for several extremely long days and nights, and I think in that time it allowed me to look back on our life together and truly come to understand just how precious each day we have in this life really is, and it also reminded me of the infinite beauty of love. I don’t mind telling you how terrified I was of the possibility of losing him, and how grateful I was when his doctors told me that he was out of danger. All of those emotions rushed thru me with the strength and force of nature herself, and they wound up being incredibly difficult to come to terms with.
While this space has always been my mirror and words have always been my companion, I felt powerless to gaze at the reflection. Perhaps now that my emotions have moved closer to the center, my love affair with words can continue!
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings with me sweetheart. It’s always very much appreciated.
xoxo,
nina
28nina aoki
wrote on 1 December 2007 at 20:34
My Dearest Alexa,
It truly warms my heart to know that you also have found such love in this life. It’s an amazing thing to feel so alive with love itself and to be so secure in the emotion with the knowledge that such love is greater than ourselves. It isn’t about raising someone upon a pedestal, but rather, it’s the honest liberation of our emotion to love and be loved in such a way that it’s no longer about the person, but about love itself.
I think when we find that in this world, it’s the one thing that can truly set us free.
Thank you sweetheart for sharing in this with me. Aishiteru wa! :happy:
xoxo,
nina
29The English Courtesan
wrote on 1 December 2007 at 21:25
Oh Nina - this sounds dreadful! I am so glad he is home and getting better but this must have been utterly terrifying for both of you. You are in my prayers…
Livvy xxx
30princesse.x
wrote on 2 December 2007 at 5:06
Dearest Nina,
I found myself holding my breath as I read you post. I have often felt envious of your happiness in marriage, and so admire you. I’m reading this après la bagarre, and wish you both deep healing.
in light & love,
*X*
31nina aoki
wrote on 2 December 2007 at 9:11
My Dearest Livvy,
Thank you so much sweetheart for your kind words and for your warm sentiments. It was indeed dreadful, but I’ve always been of the mind that there are no accidents in the universe and that there’s perhaps a larger meaning to all of this. I don’t think I shall ever again complain about him not emptying the dishwasher or taking out the garbage! lol!
And thank you sweetheart for your prayers and for your endearing friendship.
xoxo,
nina
32nina aoki
wrote on 2 December 2007 at 9:21
Ma plus chère princesse.x,
Merci tellement de vos beaux compliments et de vos beaux mots.
While Jeff’s healing is certainly physical, he’s also a bit shaken about facing his own mortality. He turned 40 this year and I think he’s going to be affected by this for a long time. Emotionally I’m doing much better, and that’s likely because he’s home now and I know that he’s going to be okay.
I cannot express to you enough how touched and humbled I am about your feelings about my relationship and marriage, but it would be dishonest for me to suggest that it was always this way, it wasn’t! But I think the real secret to our happiness now is rooted in the simple fact that we were always friends first who didn’t have to be afraid to just be ourselves. That deep friendship and trust has allowed our love to simply grow and become what it is now. It’s so funny but even when we were apart and went thru the divorce we were each more concerned about the other! You’d never know that we’d broken up because we always remained friends (and yes… there were moments of weakness during that period in time where we fucked each others brains out too… Jeff is, shall we say… a hard habit to break…)
My husband is my best friend in the world, my lover, my companion, my everything… and not a day goes by where I don’t remember just how lucky and blessed I am.
And I thank you for such kind words and for your friendship sweetheart. :kissing:
amour et baisers,
nina
33orchidea
wrote on 4 December 2007 at 7:14
So sorry to read about your and your husband’s trials, Nina. Much love & take care,
orchidea xxx
34nina aoki
wrote on 4 December 2007 at 8:11
orchidea,
Thank you sweetheart. It’s much appreciated. He’s doing better now, and things are getting back to normal.
Thanks so much.
xoxo,
nina