There’s a beautiful song in the breeze; cool wind combs thru my hair as we walk holding hands along this lonely beach. The icy waters swell and rise as waves crash against the sandy shore; climbing higher along the beach as the tide silently covers our trailing footsteps. The beach is peaceful in the winter; the cries of seagulls circling in the distance as they scour the sands for food. Rocks and shells dot this alien landscape as we lose ourselves in the distant horizon. We stop and rest on an outcropping of rocks; granite barriers laid long ago to protect these shores, and we watch the ocean dance with the sun and moon in the distance… we linger here, our emotions floating on the surface, deeper than this sea, and as careless as driftwood.

We took a quiet winter weekend out on Cape Cod this past Saturday and Sunday. We were lucky enough to get Lisa’s family’s house for a couple of days to ourselves. It was a nice break for just the two of us, especially after everything we’ve gone thru these past few weeks. No one in Lisa’s family really uses the house in the winter which is such a shame because it’s an amazing location, and the prospect of having an oceanfront cottage and an empty beach to yourself, even when it’s cold is almost impossible to turn down – tho a few of Lisa’s extended family do show up every now and then, we were assured that we’d get some privacy, and after a few calls to Lisa’s mother we packed up the car and made the drive to the Cape Saturday morning.

I suppose I’m feeling a lot of post-traumatic stress syndrome symptoms lately, but Jeff is as chipper as ever. I’m relieved that he’s better, grateful beyond words, but I’m not sure what to do with this emotional hangover that I’m left dealing with. I’m sure it will pass soon, but with the holidays coming and with us all planning another trip to Florida to spend Christmas with Jeff’s mother, I really haven’t had a moment to catch my breath. I’m trying to do all of my holiday shopping now before we leave, and this whole trip and this entire episode has stirred a lot of strange memories… I can’t believe that it’s been almost two years since Jeff and I have been back together.

Two years ago I accepted an invitation from his mother for me and my son to spend the holidays with them in Florida. Since Jeff and I were always very close, even when we were apart, I accepted and then the rest is history as they say. The stars lined up and the universe ordained that we would come together and then stay together – but has it really been two years? The time has just flown by! And that also means that I’ve been keeping a blog for almost two years too, and I can’t quite wrap my head around the fact that it’s been that long. It all seems like this wonderful dream where everything I ever wished for came true, and I often pinch myself because I can’t believe that I’ve been this blessed. I suppose I shouldn’t question the universe, but some days it’s a little hard to believe.

I think when we go thru any kind of trauma we tend to reflect on things in our lives, or parts of our lives that are either unresolved or which hold some kind of significance for us. I know that my relationship with Jeff has been at the center of my life, and again, even when we were apart, but every morning when I wake up, before my eyes are even opened, I reach over and feel for him, just to make sure he’s still there. I did this for years when he wasn’t there, and now I think I do it just to make sure this really isn’t a dream. It’s real, and it’s now, and this is my life.

Spending a couple of days on the Cape also gave me a chance to do some writing, which I’ve been trying to focus on, but as my mentor has taught me, the worst thing to do is to try and force it out. The words have to flow and you have to allow those places inside you to open in order for the words to come out, so that’s what I’ve been trying to do – and hopefully it’ll work!

I’m happy that I finally got my Suki interview done! We had a lot of fun doing it, but it’s reminded me of all the toy reviews that I’ve been putting off for much too long! Maybe I need to learn how to budget my time a little better?

Something also happened, very spontaneous really, between me and Lisa when Jeff was passed out cold on painkillers and Jeff’s mother had our son with her. It was the kind of beautiful intimate moment that just happens between people who love each other, and I’ve been trying to write about it. I’m actually almost finished, but it’s intensely personal and I’m not sure how or when I might be ready to share it. I’m thinking that I may take the approach that I wrote about a while ago about creating a section of geishaland that’s a bit more private than what’s out here in the open. It isn’t that I’m reticent to be open about my sexuality or about things in my life, but as time went on, I discovered that there were in fact areas of my life which I no longer wanted to be out there for anyone with a search engine, and I think also because of some of the extremely unpleasant things I went thru out here in cyberia, I felt that taking more control of how I shared things was in my own best interest. Unfortunately, as I learned the hard way… cyberia is no utopia.

So, all that being said, I’m trying to rebuild geishaland a bit because let’s face it, I’ve been a mess and I’ve neglected this place horribly, and I do miss my mirror.

Someone with whom I’ve come to have a lot of respect for recently sent me an email that I’d like to share. She said:

Your site is beautiful and your writing is heartfelt. Maybe this is where you will find your therapy.

I never really thought of it as therapy, but maybe she’s on to something. Anyway, that’s what’s going on in my world. I’m also going to try and get my toy reviews done, and I’m going to do my best to get my head screwed on straight… but not too straight!

Enjoy your Wednesday Night!

Aishiteru wa!