Thoughts of purpose and place in the New Year
Do we celebrate the coming of the New Year more than the passing of the last one? The intangible passage of time, while all around us, is still only just a concept by which we measure our lives. We wear watches, we hang calendars, we make schedules, and we live our lives as slaves to this invisible force which effortlessly pulls us forward; relentless and unyielding in its grasp. Yet, there are instances in our lives where time appears to stand still, leaving us caught in that perfect moment of peace and tranquility, and it is this feeling, this transcendent state of being which furiously eludes us as we struggle in a race we cannot win, on a road we cannot see.
I think we look at the coming of the New Year as that metaphorical marker along the road of life where we feel as tho we can begin again, where second chances are possible. We look back on the long days and nights behind us and say goodbye to our mistakes and regrets, while warming ourselves with the eternal memories of things which made us happy and gave us joy, but I find that I begin this year with some doubts, and I’m not entirely sure where to find my answers.
My practice of Buddhism has led to some answers, or at least I believe has helped me to become a better person. It’s helped me to find answers to questions about life, and more importantly, about living, and they are indeed two separate things. It is one thing to say you believe something, but quite another to put it into practice and practical application.
What has challenged me, and I find myself consumed with these thoughts again, is that I lack a true spiritual guide, a Zen priest, a dharma guide to turn to when my questions become so much larger than myself, as many questions about life are, and I’m not quite sure what to do about that. Any relationship of this magnitude must be based on trust, but I’m not exactly in the position to go off and seek out a true Zen Master to guide me, so I’m left with my instincts and intuition to help me navigate this murky forest as I walk my path and try to find my way.
What’s interesting is that I find that I’m not alone in my search for something to fill the void. Aside from being called a cocktease by one of my email solicitors after I flat out refused to supply him with intimate pictures of myself, I recently received another email request from a guy who was interested in me expanding his wife’s sexual horizons… as long as he could watch. It occurred to me that this was the fourth email I’d received from someone who in some way had turned to me as perhaps someone who could fill their void. Of course, it completely validated everything I’ve been saying and writing about the bisexual nature of female sexuality, but I took a more macro look at what was going on.
Are we all searching for something? And if so, what is it? This then led to some critical self examination and reflection on what it is that I’ve actually done and created here with geishaland, and it occurred to me that perhaps my voice has been heard in places which I hadn’t ever considered, and if that were true, then what, if any responsibility did I, or do I have for any subsequent actions or causality of my words?
I then thought about the woman I encountered thru my journal who read what I’d written about bisexual women and who contacted me about it and asked me what she should do. This was quite some time ago, but I encouraged her to be open about it with her husband and to be honest in her pursuits of exploring her own sexuality. She then later crossed that bridge and had an experience with another woman. Her husband knew about it, and was initially supportive, but that quickly changed. And as I explained to my latest bedroom suitor, once you bring a third party into any existing relationship, everything changes, and you have to be prepared for that before you go and do something. Unfortunately, the woman who contacted me ended up getting a divorce, but I suppose the real blessing is that she’s at peace with who she is as a sexual being and can now live her life in the open.
I think if there’s anything that I’ve tried to do with this space, and perhaps this goes back to my own nature as a human being and my own pursuit of a Buddhist life, is the very basic concept of sharing. To share is the noblest thing we do as humans; we share our lives, our hearts, our bodies, our wisdom, and sometimes our mistakes, but it’s a uniquely human thing – so geishaland, for better or worse, is about sharing. I share these pieces of my life, and sometimes some wisdom and experience, and those who choose to share some of their time with me can freely take what they read here and add it to themselves.
But is there ever a danger of sharing too much? In some cases I think there is. A little more than a year ago, I wrestled with a case of cyber identity, and it became very important to me that I felt completely free to express myself in any way which I saw fit. This wasn’t always the popular thing to do, and I suppose I lost a few acquaintances and links to my blog along the way, but I was perfectly fine with that. It was more important to me that I be honest with myself, and that my space was always a reflection of who I was as a woman. In so many ways, this journey has taken at least a year for me to finally feel that personal liberation, but I do, and it’s a good thing.
Recently, I found myself in a bit of a scrum with a friend over a question about someone’s blog where there was some suspicion about the veracity of content, and I found myself right back where I was a year ago. I had to take a step back and remind myself that these are not important things to my life and that wasting energy on such topics was not a useful endeavor. I truly believe that, and I’ve spent so much time exploring the nature of cyberia – the good, the bad, and certainly the ugly, but I cannot do that ever again. This conversation I found myself in shuffled free many unpleasant thoughts and memories, and I think should the subject ever come up again, I should immediately remind myself of all that I’ve learned, and avoid it.
What brought me back to my center was again Buddhism; the effort to avoid. The effort to avoid is to avoid the arising of evil. If unwholesome thoughts should start to enter the mind, we must turn our attention away from them and not let them intrude. This by far is always the hardest effort to master because human nature preys on this weakness and can lead us down a path of misery if we allow this negativity to thrive.
I believe this path I’m on has been placed before me to fulfill a purpose. If I have touched even one life with my words, then that is the only reward I shall ever require. I’m still in search of a Zen Master, but at least Thursday night is still yoga night. Who would have imagined that when the six of us started yoga that we’d stick with it this long? Yoga has become the other physical expression of intangibles in my life… along with sex; each with it’s own place and purpose… as I continue to struggle to find and define my own.
1Alexa
wrote on 3 January 2008 at 5:33
You know Nina, I have been trying to get into contact with my spirit guide. We all have one but most of us are not in touch with that guide. Regardless of religion, this guide is there and is just waiting for us to open up and contact them so they can answer our questions here in this life. I read a book by Syliva Browne, the other side and back…I still have not been able to talk to my guide but I have a much better approach to life right now and I know the right time and day will come for that contact. I just keep trying and the reason it has not happened is because I am not as focused as I should be because I am emptying out my closet of some old ghosts right now. (Yuck)
Good luck muddling through all of this stuff you have going on…you are not the only one! ;-))
Abbracci!
2Jodo
wrote on 3 January 2008 at 7:44
Zen Questions? Maybe I can help on some level Nina!
Gassho, J
3Pegxx
wrote on 3 January 2008 at 9:43
I have missed reading your entries recently (due to being far too busy) but this was such a lovely entry to return to. It somehow gave me a sense of peace.
Wishing you all the best for the upcoming year.
Pegxx
4Richard
wrote on 3 January 2008 at 10:10
Good morning Nina: WOW,,,,, what a piece of writing. I want you to know, you have been a beacon of light to my heart and soul. That might sound a little hokey but Nina, I respect and admire you. I like to think, that when we first met in cyber, I was at that point in my life, when reflections to the past was always present in my pea sized brain. It seemed to me, as I learned about you, I just really felt a connection, and when I found out your Dad was a Navy Man, and he moved your Mother to the states, It just said so much about him. I could go on and on but, You know what I’m talking about. Nina,have a wonderful”Lazy Geisha” kinda day… love Richard
5Steffy
wrote on 3 January 2008 at 12:45
Nina,
You are a very deep soul. Not only are you so very deep but also very ethical! You truely are such a blessing and a special and rare gem of a beautiful human. Anytime I was reading of some cyber attack or with people crossing bounderies. I wonderd what would happen. And you always chose an amazingly insightful and brave path. All I can say is thank you. I believe you are a very rare person. I think what separates you from so many, is the ability you have to be honest with yourself. Not that it is easy. But you are very good at it. I deeply admire that trait! In encompases so many facets of ones life. I believe when it is mastered you can live a very graceful existance. Which I beleive you do. Not that I see everything going on. But through your words, they are words that someone can not lie about. I know they are real and come from a very real place. I do hope you are able to find a Zen master to talk with. But until then you are doing pretty damn good. I surely do hope one day I get to pick your brain a little!
I so enjoy reading your insight. It really helps me get a clear and better grasp on mine.I hope one day soon I am as advance as you. I keep on workin! hahaha! I know I am alot further along than one year ago. And a part of that is a HUGE thank you to YOU! You have help unlock some corners of the mind I had no idea where even there! Your openness and warmth is so healing! And quite frankly you have givin me some amazing gifts because of your honesty and warmth. I hope it will come back to you somehow! I know you won’t stop being who you are, you will just get more amazing as time goes on. I just hope I get to see little glimpses of it! :)
6Carol
wrote on 3 January 2008 at 15:36
Hi Nina,
You do fill a void for me, just by doing what you do. It’s one of those voids I didn’t realize I had until I got here. I think we’re full of nooks and crannies that can be filled by people and experiences. Not sure where I’m going with this, but I’m beginning to feel like an English muffin. :-)
-Carol
7Mark
wrote on 3 January 2008 at 18:43
Nina,
Up until now I have been a silent reader of your page, a voyeur of sorts. Now time for me to comment. First of all, don’t stop. I was drawn to your site with sexual curiosity but return for pleasant, spiritual reflections and the occasional baseball update. I don’t read all of your updates but when I do I strangely find a smile hidden in your words that I am able to capture for my own benefit. I recently started dating a woman who has offered me sexual opportunities I only recently fantasized about. A true match for me under the sheets and a welcome companion there. Unfortunately she has progressed with our relationship more rapidly than I have been able to. This has created an imbalance that we are both working on but one that has created some difficulties and maybe exposed some insecurities in herself. I can’t wait to forward today’s blog entry to her. I suspect she will find some substance there to help her with her struggles. Thank you.
8nina aoki
wrote on 4 January 2008 at 9:01
Alexa,
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me, and I’m sorry that you find yourself cleaning out your ghosts right now. It’s often a necessary evil we all must go thru in order to move forward. I went thru something similar not too long ago and I truly felt better once it was done.
Your comments about searching for your spirit guide resonated deeply with me, and I’d like to recommend a book that I think would be absolutely perfect for you; really for any woman. It’s highly recommended on my reading list and is called — Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes Ph.D.
This book is essential reading for any woman who hears the call of the wild, and who wants to rediscover what it really means to be woman. I hope you check it out hon. It’s a tad bit overwritten (something I can relate to!), and it’s densely complicated and complex in some places (just like us), but it’s a powerful piece of work. It’s the kind of book you read and feel as tho you’ve been given an amazing and sacred gift.
xoxo,
nina
9nina aoki
wrote on 4 January 2008 at 9:10
Jodo,
That’s truly a very generous offer sweetheart, thank you. But, I need something a bit more tangible. What I wouldn’t give for Buddhist Temple in the neighborhood!
xoxo,
nina
10nina aoki
wrote on 4 January 2008 at 9:13
Pegxx,
Thank you sweetheart! Yes, things were a little hectic over the holidays and things slowed down a bit here in geishaland … but the new year is here and we’re rockin’ and rollin’ !!
I’m happy to hear that this entry gave you a small piece of serenity. Thank you.
xoxo,
nina
11nina aoki
wrote on 4 January 2008 at 9:16
Hello Richard,
I’ve always appreciated your friendship and admiration sweetheart. It means the world to me. My life could have been very different, and I’m well aware of how blessed I was to be raised as an American and to have grown up here in this country. Tho, to be a young woman in Japan at this period in time would truly be fabulous! Things have changed so much there.
Please know that your friendship will always be treasured sweetheart.
xoxo,
nina
12nina aoki
wrote on 4 January 2008 at 9:22
Hello Sweet Steffy!
I’ve always believed that the person we always have to be honest with is ourselves, because it’s so easy to start believing your own bullshit. Human nature is just like that, and I think when we’re honest with ourselves, it becomes a lot easier to be honest with the world around us. And I think when we can admit our flaws to ourselves, we’re then able to honestly work on improving them. For me, much of this is all about a path of enlightenment and self discovery. Words are how I express myself… others have their own ways and walk their own path, but this one is mine.
You are so very kind to say such lovely things, and I can only tell you how humbled I am that you would even consider me as being a positive influence on your life. That’s an amazing compliment and I’m deeply grateful.
Perhaps what you’ve discovered is that you’ve always had that strength inside yourself, and maybe all I did was give you the courage to let it out. We are all beautiful creatures Steffy… never forget that.
xoxo,
nina
13nina aoki
wrote on 4 January 2008 at 9:24
Carol,
Thank you so much sweetheart. That’s truly a wonderful compliment. You’re quite right, we are all filled with these complexities and quirks and doubts and insecurities — but maybe by communing together, we can help each other rediscover that beautiful creature within each of us.
(Pass the jelly!) :biggrin:
xoxo,
nina
14nina aoki
wrote on 4 January 2008 at 9:29
Hi Mark,
Well, first let me welcome you to geishaland and thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. Ah yes, the smile hidden in the words… yes, always, or most of the time anyway. I’m a happy person and I hope that feeling is conveyed thru my words. If I’ve been successful in doing that, then that makes me happy.
As to your relationship; people move at different paces, and in some ways, we’re supposed to be imbalanced so we can then balance things out again. We’re all a thick mixture of insecurities, strengths and weaknesses. The challenge in any relationship is to get that mixture just right. So many people spend their lives, a waste really in my opinion, looking for something that’s right in front of their face. We have to have the strength sometimes to stop looking.
Good luck!
xoxo,
nina
15saratoga
wrote on 4 January 2008 at 10:11
Hi Sweetie-
It’s nice to have you as a scrum parnter. Anytime.
Clearly, you and I had different perspectives, due to the differing intensity of our bad and ugly experiences in cyberia. Yours have been, no question, far worse than mine.
Still, we essentially hold the same views- in general, and on that site in particular, as I confided in my email to you.
xoxox
-saratoga
16nina aoki
wrote on 4 January 2008 at 10:48
saratoga,
lmao! You know, that’s one of my favorite words too! I need to use it more often! And as always sweetie, you’re one of my most favorite people to scrum with!
Yes, we did… and I truly do appreciate your point of view, or, better said, what you saw there… and I think I also tried to be honest with myself in admitting that much of it raised uncomfortable feelings in me … not because of the content, tho it was particularly distasteful… but rather the insidious nature of cyberia itself… which then contributed to the kind of response I had to that particular subject. And as I’ve confided in you, some of the emotional scars I have are extremely difficult to reconcile and find closure, so I’ve at least tried to find closure in the reality of ‘non-closure’ if that makes any sense.
I did get your emails, but I haven’t had a chance yet to respond - tho I will, and I completely understand why you came to the decision you ultimately did. Clearly, cyberia is not always for the weak willed!
Thank you sweetheart… for the scrums, but for your friendship most of all.
love,
nina