How good is your lover, and how did they get that way? Plus! A Yoga Night round-up!
One of the coolest things about geishaland from my perspective is when something totally organic happens within these pages, like this comment here by the ethereal Heavenly Zhao which sowed a creative seed within me, which I then took with me to yoga night to discuss with the girls and now I get to write about it. Such moments of serendipity are rare, but they are fun!
So, what am I talking about?
Before I get to that, let me preface this a bit by noting that this grew out of our conversation about Flicks and Licks, and as I mentioned here, this was a topic which I planned to bring to yoga night this week, which really needs to be renamed Margarita Night because all we seem to do every week after yoga is go out for margaritas at this really cool Mexican place downtown, which by the way, makes killer margaritas! Yum!
Okay. So we get to the yoga studio a little before seven, gab in the atrium for a few minutes, go in and lay down our yoga mats and get situated, and then wait for the instructor to start the class. The class usually runs about an hour, so by eight we’re all feeling energized and empowered, and fat and bloated and pms’d… ugh… nevermind, but now you’ve got eight women who don’t feel like going home just yet and it usually takes someone, okay, Stacy, to simply say:
“Margaritas?”
Sure, twist my arm bitch.
And the next thing you know I’m sitting in a Mexican bar sipping a *margarita and thinking about fucking in the tropics, because of course the conversation inevitably turns to sex.
There’s a weird dynamic at work here where a group of women will tell each other things we’d never tell the person we’re sleeping with, and I’m included in that. That isn’t always a bad thing, but the level of secrets we tend to keep is pretty diabolical sometimes. I mean, none of them know about me and Lisa, tho I think Stacy suspects something, and what’s weird is that we’ve all talked about bisexuality before – tho usually we’re just laughing about your small cocks. (just kidding…) :razz:
So, as promised, I brought up the whole cunnilingus thing again, and that got a big round of comments from the bleachers. One doesn’t like it at all, another likes it but her husband doesn’t do it right, another is fucking around with a guy in her office and just “lu-lu-luuvvvssss” the way he does it, and the rest of us sit there sipping our drinks, laughing, and wondering when it’s polite to get up and leave.
But back to the idea planted by Heavenly Zhao who said:
Not long ago, I was introduced to a man from the circle I’m now a part. Sex is still something new, and therefore remains a novelty. This man was extremely good at the oral part, though I’ve less comparative examples than he for relative experiences.
I wondered if he had many lovers to have become so well at it. He said, no. Later on Yoriki informed me that he was extremely knowledgeable on human anatomy and biology.
Upon confronting him he coolly admitted he had insider information and related things like base chemical and receptor components with bio-electrical manipulations in parts of the neural this and that.
Its rather unromantic to think that my best orgasm from oral comes from a man that’s reduced it to initial conditions involving chemical-physical stimulus and receptor cells.
Oh Nina what can I do?
This got me thinking; how do we get to be good lovers? Can you read it in a book, and learn all about anatomy and how our bodies work? Is it from having lots and lots of sex with different partners? Or is it an intuitive thing, where good lovers just are – that it’s about the passion of the person who channels those intense, but yet intangible feelings which come from sharing yourself with another person.
In many ways this addressed my personal philosophy and beliefs about the sexual experience – that we do not simply share our bodies, we share our true selves as expressed thru our bodies.
Maybe the best sex comes when you’re having it with someone with whom you have an emotional connection? Tho what’s odd about that is that I’ve had some incredibly hot sex with people who were more or less strangers, and it was just about the sex and nothing else.
Was that better sex than the sex I have with Jeff or Lisa? That’s hard to answer. I’d have to honestly say that being able to fully share myself, the ‘who I am as a woman’ part of me which goes beyond my body with Jeff or Lisa is better because the actual physical expression is far more honest and real… but then again, there’s that one hot nearly anonymous night (err, two or three?), which remains in the back of my mind too. But maybe that one hot night is something I now draw from and bring into my relationships as well.
I don’t think we can sustain ourselves on a steady diet of jumping from one sexual relationship to another and think it means something, or that we become better lovers because of that, because the need to be able to show our true selves to someone is what’s driving us from one hook-up after another in the first place; always searching for that elusive one true love that always seems to tempt us in the next guy walking around the corner but never seems to be there once we take the jump.
Maybe good lovers really are born? And it doesn’t matter who you’ve slept with in the past, or how much sex you’ve had.
Enjoy your weekend, and even tho I don’t buy into all that Resurrection Joe stuff, have a Happy Easter from the little Buddhist girl from Boston and her brood of happy rabbits.
* A Margarita should be stiff and not overly sweet. A proper Margarita will allow the taste of the tequila, lime and orange through. If you are used to frozen concoctions, this will be very different - and delicious.
1michiko
wrote on 22 March 2008 at 16:39
Reading your latest entry, I am reminded of the last few moments in the first Godfather film. As Kay watches from a short distance. Her new husband, the man who has up until now been eager to tell her everything about himself and the “family business,” (he was once above joining.) Completely shuts her out of a major part of his new life as head of the Corleone Family.
This is perfectly symbolized by a closing door, where in the barest glimpse, from Kay’s point of view, she witnesses strange men swear loyalty to her husband.
Whatever Kay imagined her life with her husband was going to be, she realizes at that moment that she may have to settle for only half of it, if that.
Adam and I’m certain Alex, Els and Richard (as well as their circle of close male comrades) by all accounts known (which at least with Adam I can gleefully attest)all give great head to women.
Once in a state of curiosity, I asked him how he knew my particular responses so well. He told me my mother intructed him about what i liked. (Not by literal example) But apparently my mother wasn’t shy about giving Adam intimate pointers about my vagina.
She reasoned that whatever appealed to her probabably appealed to me. (Its frightening to know she’s right.)
When I confronted her about the matter, she just laughed and looked at me. “Is it so strange a man comes to his paramour’s mother to learn about how best to please her daughter?”
“Mother how could you, this simply isn’t how it is done”
“Can you honestly say to me my daughter that you can be more objective than I, your mother about what makes you tick?”
Is my,— or for that matter any woman’s personal subjectivity the symbolic door closing on our men? Do we ever know with absolute certainty that we aren’t in varying degrees subjective enough in our desire to remain just individual enough, just independent enough that to preserve our identities we are willing to close off part of ourselves…
Even if the price we pay is depriving ourselves of the highest potential for carnal pleasure?
Michiko
2Lola
wrote on 22 March 2008 at 19:25
“This got me thinking; how do we get to be good lovers? Can you read it in a book, and learn all about anatomy and how our bodies work?”
When I was a young woman, just starting to explore my sexuality, I read “The Happy Hooker” by Xavier Hollander. WOW … what an education that was.
I don’t know if good lovers are born or made, but a good (uninhibited) book can certainly open your eyes to new possibilities.
Now, when my husband asks where I learned something I’ve just added to my bedroom r’epertoire I simply say with a sly smile: I read a lot … and it’s the truth.
Love your blog by the way. ~ Lola
3nina aoki
wrote on 24 March 2008 at 6:00
Hi michiko,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me on this. That’s an interesting perspective to consider, which I think speaks more to the dynamics between men and women on many different levels.
I’m at a loss for words (metaphorically speaking) about how to respond to the idea that your own mother would discuss your sexuality with Adam! Tho, in some ways I can understand the logic there!
My own mother was not someone with whom I could discuss sex with. My sister and I would often tease my mother that we couldn’t figure out how she had four children because she was so reserved, and my Father was always at sea! Hmmmm, maybe we should have been paying better attention to the Milkman? ;)
But, I completely understand the point you’re making about closing doors to the men in our lives, especially when it comes to our sexuality. The oddest thing, and as I touched upon in my post, is that we’ll tell our girlfriends things we won’t tell our men, which is who we should be telling these things to! I know so many women who have gone off and had affairs because they found it easier to tell a relative stranger what they were into or wanted in bed rather than the person they were sharing their bed at home with. It’s so strange too. I mean, why wouldn’t we trust that person we say we’re in love with with our most sacred secrets about what makes us tick sexually? (I know there’s lots of reasons for this, which really merits it’s own entry on the subject)
Sometimes I think we’re completely self destructive. If there’s ever been any sort of message associated with geishaland it’s that we don’t have to settle for less, and if we want the pleasure we expect from our relationships, we have to take some responsibility for getting it and communicating our deepest and darkest desires to our lovers.
Thanks sweetie!
xoxo,
nina
4nina aoki
wrote on 24 March 2008 at 6:12
Hi Lola,
Well, first let me thank you for the lovely compliment. I’ve really come to enjoy your site as well. I think you’ve got an incredibly honest writing style which I relate to. I can see a lot of myself in your words sometimes.
But back to the topic at hand;
I completely agree that a certain book or influence early on in our sexual development can have a profound, direction changing effect. I’ve also read The Happy Hooker [ ;) ] and can relate to how much it impacted you!
Back when I was in uni I was turned on to Anaïs Nin, and without going into a debate about Nin’s life’s work, her words found a deep resonance within me. I was also lucky enough to have really good lovers at a young age — so maybe our partners do shape us for the future, but how we apply these things we learn from those experiences resides within us. What level of passion does the individual have? How important is sex to that person and each relationship? Things like that. So, maybe it’s a balance of the two.
Tho as I eluded to Michiko, I think we as women have a long way to go when it comes to being able to truly be free sexually. For a while now, it seemed as tho ’slut chic’ was the en vogue attitude many of us adopted towards our own sexuality; that we were going to behave like men do, but I think that’s starting to change and is ultimately unsustainable for us because we’re not men… we’re women, and we’re different - and I’m not convinced that women behaving as men is the way to get there.
The things which impact a our sexual development and our sexuality later in life are far larger macro issues about femininity and the female condition in society which run way deeper than just taking taking the liberty of opening our legs whenever the opportunity (almost daily) presents itself.
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts with me!
xoxo,
nina