Thoughts on Monogamy
“A man may pay his mistress with money, gifts, or even his seed… but never with love. Love is reserved for only his wife.” - Japanese Proverb
Every so often our perceptions and opinions on human pair bonding and monogamy are tested by either a very public scandal or an intimately personal tragedy, but no matter how the complicated issue of infidelity touches our lives, the outcome seems to be the same; some people line up on one side of the argument and decry the philandering prick, (or lying ass bitch), while others have a different take and simply say, ‘humans were never meant to be monogamous anyway, what’s the problem?’ — still bringing us no closer to understanding that there is a middle ground here, and much of determining where that middle ground lays depends as much upon your own cultural mores as it does human biology.
As I wrote here, three recent posts I’d read had served to inspire some of these thoughts, but I’ll confess that I’ve been mulling this over ever since Eliot Spitzer got busted with an expensive call girl – tho I was hesitant to write about the topic then because the news media was too busy going into hysterics, as they always do, when public figures — Good lord No! What about the children! — are revealed to have the same weaknesses as the rest of us, but perhaps the real lesson here is that our sexuality, despite our best efforts, is still the most misunderstood aspect of our personalities.
We all understand, hopefully, that sex is a basic human need. Where it goes from there is as confusing a labyrinth to unravel as any Gordian Knot, but focusing only on monogamy and the expectations of monogamy most of us have from our significant relationships is what I’d like to explore, as well as some of the variables… well, yes, the variables – because human beings rarely deal in absolutes.
Of all western cultures, Americans tend to be the most uptight about sex; much of this having to do with our puritanical religious foundations and the surreptitious relationship between church and state which has ingrained a moral code amongst this country’s citizens which demonizes sexuality and which basically treats any sex which happens outside of marriage and for any reason other than procreation as a sin. We like to kid ourselves here in the United States and pretend that we’re a sexually open culture, but we’re really not. Laws against prostitution serve no legitimate purpose other than as a means to control. Not that I advocate prostitution as a lifestyle choice, but it would certainly be hypocritical to condemn it when our society is littered with those who prostitute themselves in other ways just to get ahead – at least the woman selling her sexuality is a bit more honest about the way things really are, isn’t she?
Prostitution is called ‘the oldest profession’, why, I have no idea. I think it sounds a bit cliché, but perhaps it’s because it serves to explain the real nature of man — that he’s simply an animal who finds himself compelled beyond reasons which he can’t control or understand to constantly compete for female sexual energy, and he is willing to do anything, or pay any amount to satisfy that need.
Female sexual energy is the most powerful force in the universe, and as we grow from girls to women, we begin to understand this as our bodies start to change and we notice the power this gives us over men – and no matter who you are, every woman has used this to her advantage at one time or another, and every man has fallen for it too.
Much of these attitudes towards monogamy and infidelity do however depend on the culture in which you find yourself living; Europeans have a much more lazie faire attitude towards a spouse with a mistress or lover, and it’s pretty much understood that as long as you’re discreet and your spouse doesn’t find out, it isn’t going to land you on the six o’clock news. In Japan, many married men will take a mistress, especially after his wife has borne children, and equally so, many married women will also take a lover. The idea that sex is for sex, and choosing a sexual partner outside of a married union isn’t the revolting idea that it seems to be here in the United States… as long as he doesn’t pay her in love, which seems to be the all around deal-breaker no matter where you live.
What’s also interesting is that I’ve had many friends who have either worked as escorts, or courtesans, and many have found such a life to be completely rewarding. It’s seen as a means to an end, where they can earn large sums of money, travel the world with well heeled gentlemen, and live a full life of unexpected freedom. Tho not all women are so lucky. Many women are exploited by men, or tied to an agency which demands huge percentages of their income and all of their time, offering little in return, and then there’s the streetwalker who convinces herself that it’s a privileged to pay her pimp the money she earns from selling her body — so I think who you are before you decide on such a life factors into what kind of experience you’ll have once you get there.
On the other side of the professional side of things is the geisha. The biggest misconception is that geisha is just another name for prostitute. Nothing could be further from the truth. Sadly, some pop-culture movies and ideas have circulated into the consciousness which has portrayed geisha as nothing more than overdressed courtesans. The truth is that being a geisha is considered an honor in Japan. It takes years of training and discipline, and a geisha’s most sought after skill is not in the bedroom, but in conversation. Geisha are expected to be able to hold their own in conversation on topics as wide as current events to politics to sports – and men pay for this. They pay to be in the company of a beautiful fantasy, a living work of art, who can stimulate their senses with her charms in dance, music, service, and yes, in conversation. Stupid women don’t become geisha in Japan.
I’ve also known couples who have tried to have an open-marriage or have tried swinging as a way of life. Perhaps I’m a little conservative on this issue because I think it’s a recipe for disaster. I just don’t believe that we’re wired to share our partners in such an open and explicit way, despite what people tell themselves. And not to be the hypocrite, because I’ve brought my girlfriend into my bedroom, I’ve become much more aware that this isn’t a good long term situation, for any of us. What’s also interesting for me now is how my husband and I have come to define this aspect of our life – he has no problem with my being with Lisa as long as it goes no further than that, which is all I ever really wanted in the first place.
But like all things, nature is about balance, and this simple truth affects all of us; beauty is agony. The price of beauty means that we will suffer, and we endure this suffering willingly because that is what it means to be female in this world – and perhaps when we understand that these forces are larger than ourselves, we won’t become so hysterical the next time some public figure gets caught with his pants down.
What exactly did we expect?
Nina,
I have many friends who live a polyamorous lifestyle, either each having a partner/multiple partners or sharing them (along with many other variations).
It seems to be a more acceptable choice within the BDSM scene, and as such I have seen both sucessful and unsucessful attempts by those around me who choose to live this way.
I had thoughts about it some time ago, as I find myself craving a relationship with a woman yet would not wish to lose the wonderful man in my life.
As such I found jealousy is too much of an issue currently (on my part) so like you I am free to explore with women or a woman. Yet, I have no wish to see my partner share in that or to find love/sex or a deep connection with another.
Hope I haven’t gone off topic or rambled too much.
Pegxx