I married a … Trinitron?
Scenes from inside my marriage; remember when they said that television would rot your brain? They must have been talking about my husband. As a couple which represents the first generation truly raised on television, I sometimes wonder just how much osmosis occurred when he was just a little boy sitting cross-legged in front of the tube – while I was playing house with my dolls or hosting imaginary tea parties, he was spending his afternoons, evenings and Saturday mornings glued to that funny box in the corner of the room.
Back then there were only three network channels and the beloved world of UHF – so the damage was containable. Now with 257 channels and nothing on… I’m not so sure.
Sitting at my kitchen table doing my nails. Husband wanders into the room.
Husband: F-R-E-E that spells FREE! Credit report dot com baby!
Me: huh?
Husband: My posse’s gettin’ laughed at baby.
Me: What posse?
Husband: You know… my posse! I need to be rollin’ phat!
Me: uh-huh… have fun honey.
Sitting at my kitchen table eating my breakfast. Husband sitting across from me and from out of left field asks a question.
Husband: Honey… when you turn your car on… does it return the favor?
Me: I drive a Mercedes… what do you think?
Husband: How many cup holders does that thing have anyway?
Me: Enough.
Husband: Sapelli wood accents?
Me: Don’t think so.
Husband: Want a Cadillac?
Me: No.
Husband: Yeah but… nevermind.
Me: What?
Husband: She’s hot…
Me: The girl doesn’t come with the car, asshole.
Sitting on my loveseat in the living room reading a book. Husband walks into the room, unbuttons his shirt, takes it off and tosses it towards me. It lands in my lap and I look up – husband is standing in the middle of the room shirtless. Begins speaking in a mock Japanese accent.
Husband: Keep it for your collection… I know you like it!
Me: Karate Kid II on again?
Husband: oh. uh. Yeah.
Me: okay honey. Want your shirt back?
Cooking in the kitchen. I’m grilling chicken cutlets on the stove. Husband comes running into the room and yells at the wall.
Husband: WIZZZAAAAHHHDDD!!!
Me: What the fuck Jeff!!! You made me jump and I just spilled the olive oil all over the counter!
Husband: But baby! I was summoning the Wizard off the van!
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Husband: no fairs.
Sitting at my desk on a conference call. Husband walks into the room. Stands in the doorway for a moment without saying a word, then asks a question.
Husband: Honey… do you ever get that not-so-fresh feeling?
Me: (mouths) I’M ON THE PHONE!
Husband: oh. (pauses) But do you?
Me: (mouths) GO AWAY.
I’m pretty sure I gave birth to one son – but somehow I’ve wound up with two. 
And while this can certainly be amusing and charming from time to time as I mentioned here, there are days…
It’s been a long busy Wednesday here for me – so, I hope this little insight into what I put up with gives you a smile or two. Tho I’m not sure what’s worse here… that he does this, or that he’s got me doing it now too?
Enjoy your evening.
my TV is broken, and I’m not too sad about it. I rarely watch TV for the given reasons - there is nothing intelligent on it. I’m especially appalled at the stupidity of commercials… and since the remote of my TV was broken even before the TV itself broke, I left it turned off most of the time, since I couldn’t mute the commercials.
and I work in a cinema, so… if I want to watch a movie I go there