My ticking biological clock
Thoughts about the miracle of life and things which really matter; a wonderful chat with Lenora last night got me thinking about my mommy parts again – tho I will confess to having been thinking about motherhood and pregnancy quite a bit lately, and it isn’t that I think that I want to get pregnant again, it’s that I’ve just been thinking about how happy I was the first time around, and how fucked-up I was last summer when I had my miscarriage, and what I’d might want to do about that now – if anything.
Maybe all this talk about the power of feminine sexual energy around geishaland lately has reminded me that my biological alarm-clock is ringing and I’m not quite sure where to find the snooze button.
I loved being pregnant. Every minute of it. I remember it like it was yesterday too. The feeling of this little life growing inside me, my body changing, and the feeling of my blood being flooded with hormones. The way I slept, the way I ate, the way I looked – and then the first time he kicked me and then kept on kicking me! And then the labor – and the pain of giving birth.
Yes, I even loved the pain, and the amazing feeling when the doctors finally took him, a tiny infant from my body, and how his father cut the cord and how all of the pain magically disappeared as I held him in my arms for the first time – and then feeding him from my breasts, and watching him grow into the person he is today. These memories are sacred to me and I wouldn’t trade any of these things I’ve experienced for anything in the world – this thing we take for granted is so magical, so spiritual, so beautiful.
Realistically, I don’t think I really want to have another baby, it’s just that I’ve been remembering how amazing the whole process is and how so much of a woman’s life is about becoming a mother. I suppose you become a mother from the moment you give birth and you become responsible for another human life, but I don’t think I really understood what ‘mother’ meant until I was a little older – and some part of me almost wishes that I had waited until a little later in life to conceive because I think I would have appreciated the experience as looking thru life with the lense I now currently possess, but I really wouldn’t change a thing.
We tend to think of sex in terms of pleasure – and it is about pleasure, but then there’s everything else that sex is all about – that human bond of love which comes together and creates another life, conceived in the beautiful light of human emotion and passion.
Is it a weakness or romantic notion to be so in love with love that I find myself wanting to feel this way every single day of my life? And maybe what I’m really feeling, and am aware of, is the love a mother has for her child and knowing that how no matter how old your child is, you’ll always remember those tiny feet kicking inside your womb.
These are feelings we never forget.
I smiled as I recounted to Lenora all of the silly insignificant things which go on inside my little family every day – the things which matter to no one but me – but she listened anyway, and it was nice to share that with someone else.
There will come a day when my body will change and I will no longer have the power to become somebody’s mother again – but I already am somebody’s mother, and if the universe chooses to give me this gift again someday… I’ll be ready and I’ll welcome it with everything I am.
And if I do nothing else with my life – this would be enough for me.
Enjoy your Saturday!
What a truly beautiful blog, I can’t wait to become a mother, but will only do so when I feel I have enough to give; financially, emotionally etc…
Pegxx