bi bi love, bi bi happiness
Before I let my thoughts wander a bit; I’ve really got some random shit here in geishaland. I mean, seriously. I went thumbing thru my archives and gosh, I’m really hating on my own blog right now.
Okay – enough of that for the moment. 
Some thoughts which grew out of a conversation with a new friend last night; yes, more about my messy bisexuality issues. Sorry. I need to deal with this because it’s becoming ever more complicated for me with each passing day.
So – I’ve written about my husband. I’ve written about my girlfriend. And I’ve written about my insanely great infatuations for/with other women in my life and how they’ve occasionally fucked me up emotionally in the most unpredictable of ways. Typical INFP behavior patterns – as I’ve recently discovered. But the larger question I’m finding myself dealing with today, and one which was in part prompted by my conversation with my new friend; what exactly is my sexual orientation? Am I bisexual? Am I straight? Or am I really a lesbian locked in a bisexual woman’s life? And does it really matter?
My friend expressed something which struck me in a curious way; that her own levels of attraction have drifted either in one direction or another over the years (oh yes, she’s also bisexual), but her desires always tended to more or less stay in the middle with preferences only slightly deviating in one direction or another over the course of time. So, a much more situational or fluid sort of approach to her own sexuality.
So where do I fit in to all that kind of context?
I think if I were to be brutally honest with myself and realistically examine my own orientation in a critical way – the answer I keep coming back to is that I do indeed prefer women. This scares me. Not because of that simple fact – but because I have a life and a relationship and everything else that goes along with that, and I’m not even slightly prepared or inclined to blow any of that up. I do indeed love my husband, and he makes me very happy. Emotionally and sexually we’re exceptionally compatible – which is probably why I married him, twice. But I’ve also come to understand that there’s something else here eluding me; a critical and fundamental piece of understanding.
My relationship with Lisa, while founded on a deep love and friendship, has always been something like girlfriends who also have sex with each other. We don’t really have that extremely heightened emotional state which I’ve come to understand is a necessity for me. Not that we don’t approach that place – but I feel that perhaps there’s still some empty spaces which I’m always trying to fill in with something, anything really, just to close that gaping hole known as the reality of my life.
The other issue is that Lisa feels that she’s much more inclined to be physically bisexual, but she doesn’t share that need to bond with another woman emotionally in the ways that I do – and I suppose this is the direct line to what my problem is really all about – how I express love and how I see the sexual experiences I have with people. Tho I know that Lisa does indeed love me, in the ways which she is capable of loving me, but it’s not always perfect fit, or even enough for me – and I’ve also struggled with the idea that perhaps I’m over-thinking this and am applying my own perfectionist instincts to try and improve what we share – but I’m not sure about that either.
For me – sex and sexual expression is all about taking all of those intangible things I feel for someone and then translating that to the physical reality, but sex itself is simply one of many vehicles for me to express what I feel for someone. I’m actually much more attuned and concerned with reaching that heightened emotional connection with someone thru our sexual expression than the actual sex itself. Orgasm is simply the crescendo which completes the magnificent symphony of love – consequentially the thing which fully expresses the intense joy of loving someone, and giving and showing them that love.
Interestingly enough – if Jeff were any other man I don’t think we would have made it this far. I don’t know that another guy would be able to handle this as easily as he does. But — I’m quite able to reach the kind of emotional connection with him that I need to have in my relationships, and in some ways gender isn’t even the primary denominator for establishing that. So, I think much of the reason why we are where we are, is because I’ve been able to have that connection with him – tho in no small measure of confession – I’ve never been able to have that with any other man, either, and the big “but” as the other shoe drops – I find it very easy to have that connection with other women.
The most promiscuous period in my life was during the eight years that I was divorced. I had a lot of sex, with a lot of different people – men and women. But as I’ve recently reevaluated that period in my life, I think there was a cool numbness in me during those years, where I was emotionally anethesized by what I always perceived as an immense failure on my part where my marriage was concerned – even tho I now understand that that wasn’t the case at all – but I think I punished myself and I used my most sacred things to flagellate myself by having sex with so many different people – but I would immediately end things and walk away the instant a single spark of real feeling for someone presented itself in my psyche – and to further extrapolate on that point, in many ways I believe that I was willing to remarry and reconnect with Jeff to perhaps find a way to heal myself and those deep emotional wounds. It worked too. On some psychological levels I feel as tho I’ve been able to correct my past errors and that I’ve been able to find what I need in this connection with him. But I was a very different person during that time – or perhaps better put – I hid myself well, often using my own sex appeal and eroticisms to lure in others only to unleash the immense cruelty and havoc in their lives which only I am truly capable of causing. I’m deeply ashamed of that now, but I do understand why I did it.
As I’ve started to come out a bit, I’ve shared some of these feelings with a few different friends. Some tell me that they’ve known it all along, others are obviously concerned about what it means for my marriage and don’t want me to go off on some odyssey of exploration only to realize later that I’ve made a huge mistake – but I don’t think it is a mistake. I’ve always known this about myself, but I never really was able, or willing to confront what it might mean. I may indeed prefer emotional, ergo, sexual relationships with women – but because of the innate fluidity of female sexuality, I also find myself quite capable of having that with a man, one man, the one I’m with right now.
I think, and this is significant, I’m not at all interested in having sex with another woman just to have sex with another woman in terms of simply having the raw experience. What I’m most interested in is a relationship with another woman and everything that goes along with that. And that is precisely what terrifies me the most, because I’m not sure how to make that work, if it even could work for me.
I could certainly meet a woman and could quite easily fall in love with her; offering her everything I have to give to another human being – but that wouldn’t exactly be fair to her expectations of what that relationship should be because of my life situation which really can’t change, nor would that really be fair to Jeff either; so perhaps I already have the ideal situation in that Lisa doesn’t want more than what we already have. And I think I’m probably okay with that, even tho I know that the reservoir of my feelings for her will always be much, much deeper than what she and I will ever be able to have in this life.
In so many ways — and I’ve acknowledged this before – I’m incredibly lucky in that the both of them understand me and are willing to put up with me. That must mean something and I cannot discount that in any decisions I’d might make.
My situation now is that I have a committed loving relationship with my husband, which is immensely satisfying on so many different levels, and I also have a sexual relationship with my girlfriend. This has been how I’ve defined my own bisexuality – this is what I mean by the phrase monogamously bisexual — but I feel myself acquiring a broader understanding of my own needs and identity now, and I’m not entirely sure how to move forward with that.
Another friend asked me; “Does Jeff know about this?”
Yes, of course he does. We talk about everything and are open about our feelings. It may get a little messy and frayed around the edges as we work thru this period, but the connection he and I share is crucial to my well being and emotional health.
We made love last night after talking about much of this… and I found myself feeling wonderfully content and at ease with things afterward.
It’s never been particularly easy for me to divide myself between multiple people or partners. I tend to settle in quite nicely into a singular meaningful connection with someone, but what I am able to accomplish to a degree is a form of fractional separation where things can exist on different levels for me and this is how I fill in those empty spaces I often uncover thru my ceaseless introspection.
Tho I’m still somewhat confused about what to do or how to proceed with this self awareness and knowledge. I have no intentions of making any life changes, but perhaps I can find a way to feel comfortable with this.
A primacy of fact is that women are indeed fluid with respect to our sexuality and we really don’t like to be labeled either. Bisexual is a word we use to define and explain something which truly defies conventional description simply because of the infinite permutations and attitudes we ourselves feel about that which is most intimate to who we are as human beings: our own sexuality and sexual identity.
Tho I must acknowledge that my sexuality is interpreted in a slightly different way, and that sex is never just sex with me. It always means something else. And if I love you… I’ll always love you and that’s just the way it is.
1Lazi Ichi, Barkeep
wrote on 17 June 2008 at 21:36
Hmmmmm.
I think you’re over analyzing things and trying to attach labels to things as a way to explain them.
Be true to yourself.
Would you like a martini with that? ;)
2alliterative red
wrote on 17 June 2008 at 21:40
I have a friend who claimed he was looking for his soul mate to wed. It’s a concept I shrugged at, since I’d never found a soul mate. Ironically, he’s as close as I’d ever come… but the day-to-day understanding/agreement/lifestyle compatibility isn’t there. (Not to mention that I already have a husband.) I think the desire for “the one person who completes me” is normal. The desire ignores the fact that brilliant people are too multi-faceted to find just one soul to fit them. And you, dear Nina, shine too brightly from your multiple facets to ever find just one person to complete you. :-)
3Rob
wrote on 17 June 2008 at 21:59
Nina,
You’re “in love” with Jeff, and “love” Lisa, but are not “in love.” Or are you?
What would happen to you if she found her love match (either male or female)? Would you be happy with Jeff and no girlfriend? Would you try to find another woman?
Do you feel that you’re polyamorous? Not a swinger, you need to feel love, not just lust.
You ask if you might be lesbian. Here’s a test: you’re going down the street on a nice warm day. On the right hand side is a male jogger coming at you with his shirt off. On the left hand side is a female jogger with just a sports bra on top (and it has a slight jiggle to it). Both are wearing tight shorts. Who do you look at?
I will ALWAYS turn and watch the woman’s ass go by. I may like looking at a cock or gay porn once in a while, but if I could be invisible, I’d hang out in the women’s locker room after yoga classes.
Rob
4nina aoki
wrote on 18 June 2008 at 3:21
I know I am Ichi… thanks hon…
No, but a shot of tequila (or two) would be good right now I think.
xoxo,
nina
5nina aoki
wrote on 18 June 2008 at 3:29
alliterative red,
Thank you sweetheart, that’s truly a lovely thing to say.
I don’t know that this is an issue of soulmates. I think as a society we’ve adopted that idea which in reality came out of a book in the 80’s and it permeated into our culture. Is there one person for each of us? I don’t know. But I think we all want that, you know? We want to find that one person who sees us and who gets us. So, in many ways I already have that with Jeff… because he does that, and more. Tho there’s this place inside me which he can’t reach… and that’s what this is all about I think. Because only another woman can get there.
Thanks hon,
nina
6nina aoki
wrote on 18 June 2008 at 3:33
Rob,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. Lisa does have a BF.
Do you feel that you’re polyamorous? Not a swinger, you need to feel love, not just lust.
Well, if I had to pick a word or label for this, that would come closest. This really isn’t a sex thing for me, you know?
I understand what you’re trying to say here, but it’s a lot more complicated than just “who you look at”, kwim?
It’s more about norming I think, and I feel most normed when with another woman.
Thanks,
nina
7rm
wrote on 18 June 2008 at 11:29
Things that happen in love.
Blood and guts
I pour myself
For you
I cut my belly open
My life flows from me
To you
And I’m revived
It’s true and real
Won’t be denied
My body tells me
Loud and clear
It will not lie
I listen now
I know
It will be me there
On the floor
My blood, my guts
Just like you said
Before
The price
For this forbidden joy
Is high
I won’t regret
It’s too late now
It is my inside
That you see there
On the floor
It’s so intense
Yet so banal
It starts in smiles
It ends in tears
I didn’t want them
But they come
They wash
They flood
And so in blood
And guts we end.
And then begin again…
8orchidea
wrote on 18 June 2008 at 12:21
“…if I love you… I’ll always love you and that’s just the way it is.”
I really get that. Either you do or you don’t, and if you do there’s no label or category in the world that will do that feeling justice.
Be unabashedly you and take care, geisha.
orchidea
9Pegxx
wrote on 18 June 2008 at 12:42
‘… there’s this place inside me which he can’t reach… and that’s what this is all about I think. Because only another woman can get there.’
I found this, found a desire and more dangerously a need to connect to ‘her’ in a way I have never felt with a man. There I was with an amazing guy, but missing this incredible connection I was able to have with ‘her’ with women.
I found a part of myself that I had been longing to find for years, this poem reminds me of that time, of that connection I can only find with a woman …
Forest
There were flowers at the edge of the forest, cupping
The last of the light in their upturned petals. I followed you in,
Under the sighing, restless trees and my whole life vanished.
The moon tossed down its shimmering cloth. We undressed,
then dressed again in the gowns of the moon. We knelt in the leaves,
kissed, kissed; new words rustled nearby and we swooned.
Didn’t we? And didn’t I see you rise and go deeper
into the woods and follow you still, till even my childhood shrank
to a glow-worm of light where those flowers darkened and closed.
Thorns on my breasts, rain in my mouth, loam on my bare feet, rough
Bark grazing my back, I moaned for them all. You stood, waist deep,
In a stream, pulling me in, so I swam. You were the water, the wind
In the branches wringing their hands, the heavy, wet perfume of soil.
I am there now, lost in the forest, dwarfed by the giant trees. Find me.
Carol Ann Duffy
—
Pegxx
10nina aoki
wrote on 18 June 2008 at 13:31
Things that happen in love.
rm,
Indeed. Thank you for sharing this with me.
nina
11nina aoki
wrote on 18 June 2008 at 13:33
I really get that. Either you do or you don’t, and if you do there’s no label or category in the world that will do that feeling justice.
Hi orchidea,
Mmm, it’s very much an either/or kind of thing I think — and once I do, then I just do and there isn’t a whole lot that’s going to change that either. I’m finding the whole idea of labels to be disheartening tho… I wish there was a better way to talk about these things.
I will, and you too.
nina
12nina aoki
wrote on 18 June 2008 at 13:38
Pegxx,
That poem is beautiful… and so incredibly prescient right now, and so very true. Thank you so much for this gift today…
I found this, found a desire and more dangerously a need to connect to ‘her’ in a way I have never felt with a man. There I was with an amazing guy, but missing this incredible connection I was able to have with ‘her’ with women.
That’s exactly how I feel — I mean, I do love my husband. But there’s always been this place beyond love, you know? That place where everything just stops moving and every answer to every question you ever had about love is answered. And I’ve become increasingly aware that there is only one path to that place for me… and that path leads thru another woman.
Thanks hon,
nina
13Lazy Ichi
wrote on 18 June 2008 at 20:15
There’s things women will never understand about men either.
Why we love The 3 Stooges.
Butt pats in sports.
Our consuming need to own the biggest and most expensive version of just about everything.
The reason why we don’t like to discuss The Relationship.
Why we think we can fix things.
The way we watch television.
Our sense of humour.
Why we’re so boring.
Well, I’m sure there are a “few” more, but I think you get the idea.
14nina aoki
wrote on 18 June 2008 at 21:38
Lazy Ichi,
The reason why we don’t like to discuss The Relationship.
DO TELL!
Three Stooges huh? lmao!
Okay curly. :razz:
nina
15Lazy Editor
wrote on 18 June 2008 at 23:03
Dear Nina,
A thought for you… if it isn’t about the sex, why worry about classifying yourself sexually?
Maybe you just love… people? How can such a state of universal love ever be wrong?
Be happy; that’s all that matters.
Love,
L.E.
16nina aoki
wrote on 18 June 2008 at 23:23
Lazy Editor,
Be happy; that’s all that matters.
I’m trying. I really am. I’m just overwhelmed emotionally and this is really a lot of coping mechanisms at work here. I’m trying not to get stuck on what to call this with some kind of label — I don’t need the label to define my feelings, but I think I’m perhaps using them as a bit of a crutch just to organize the thoughts in my own mind, and the labels become a convenient way for me to separate and filter those things thru my thought process.
Ultimately, I have no issue or qualms regarding gender or loving someone of either gender — but so much of who we are as people really does often come down to our sexual identity. It becomes the very basis for everything else in our lives and the kinds of units we form with the people in our lives, because we still need to have jobs, build and raise families, have children, plan a life, and quite often the labels get in the way of that, even tho they never should!
Maybe you just love… people? How can such a state of universal love ever be wrong?
It can’t and it isn’t. And that very idea is one of the foundations of who I am.
A thought for you… if it isn’t about the sex, why worry about classifying yourself sexually?
And it’s a good thought too — and it isn’t about the sex, but in some ways it is — because I need to express that love I feel for someone thru that sexual intimacy. When I say that it isn’t about sex, what I mean is that it isn’t just about sex or having sex, kwim? It’s about having a full and complete relationship. But as I said above, it’s how we norm to the world around us with these awful labels that sometimes causes us problems. I mean, how do I explain who I am to the significant people in my life without my decisions impacting their lives? I’m not sure how to do that yet, you know?
I mean, I’m married now to a man. What if I wanted to pursue a relationship with a woman and then wanted to be married to her? That isn’t such a complete stretch of my imagination, because I’ve considered that as a serious option. I’m not that old… there’s still time for me…
So, I need to have a grip on all of that before I make any of those decisions, and I think in writing things like this, it helps me to at least “feel those words” as they flow from me. It’s how I cope and how I try and norm myself to what I’m feeling. I know that probably doesn’t make much sense, but that’s where my head is right now.
But I’m grateful for your thoughts and your input. It means a great deal to me, thank you.
xoxo,
nina
17Lazy Editor
wrote on 18 June 2008 at 23:35
I process my thoughts, from buying a coffeemaker to my deepest emotions decisions, the exact same way. We’re writers… it’s how we work.
You’ll figure it out, my dear. And what you say so honestly DOES make a lot of sense. Keep digging and delving and processing your feelings… I think it does go beyond the labels for you.
Love and hugs; be good to yourself,
L.E.
18nina aoki
wrote on 18 June 2008 at 23:48
Lazy Editor,
I process my thoughts, from buying a coffeemaker to my deepest emotions decisions, the exact same way. We’re writers… it’s how we work.
Oh yes… it’s how we function in this world. I completely relate to that statement. <3
You’ll figure it out, my dear. And what you say so honestly DOES make a lot of sense. Keep digging and delving and processing your feelings… I think it does go beyond the labels for you.
I know I will. It’s just going thru that painful process which always feels like being born all over again, everytime. As tho every new thought or idea we have awakens something new inside us and we have to reevaluate absolutely everything else in our heads in order for it to make sense.
It will clear tho.. eventually. I know it will. Writing is just the only way I know how to process all of this — and I know you understand that.
And yes… so far beyond the labels that I cannot even see what’s over the horizon anymore. But I will. I will.
Thanks hon…
xoxo,
nina