Reordered
Before I took some time away there was a single word which kept nagging at me, or perhaps better put, an idea which I couldn’t seem to get around: the concept of order in my life. Last week I was feeling incredibly disordered; that what I was lacking was some fundamental grounding in my life – feeling very much like a leaf being carried by the wind.
There’s many reasons why I felt this way – but at the time I simply felt myself too close to the fire to be able to do anything about it, and what I needed was to disconnect myself from the things which were gnawing away at me. The prescription wasn’t particularly easy to swallow either – but it was necessary. I needed to stop processing and I needed to shut my mind off for a little while. A retreat into my shell so to speak. And I think it worked…
I can’t say that I have everything all figured out or that I’m necessarily any closer to having all my answers – but I at least feel as tho my head is in a better place, and I feel as tho I’m able to open my shell a bit now and can perhaps start to process things again.
The decision to stop writing and to minimize contact with people wasn’t easy, and I appreciate that those who are close to me were patient with me.
So in the meantime, there’s a couple of new things to mention. The first is a new relationship I have with a European filmmaker – Cherry Chapman whose production house Cinema Erotique produces some incredibly erotic films with edgy storylines and compelling visuals and themes. This is erotic cinema which in my opinion will appeal to women as well as men. There’s a new page here in geishaland titled Erotic Films which you can check out, and there’s a trailer there for Cherry’s upcoming release Drugged. I think you’ll enjoy it and I think her films and site are well worth your time if you’re interested in that kind of thing. I plan to review some of her films here in geishaland as well as featuring some trailers and other visuals on that page as they come up.
I’m also expanding the Sanctuary a bit and I plan to focus some more attention on that aspect of my writing and I plan to pursue that in some other veins too. I don’t have anything concrete lined up yet – but I feel that its time to do something with that. There’s something new posted there called Amethyst, which is about last Friday night. I hope you enjoy it.
On the relationship side of things; Lisa and I spent some time together over the last few days and have truly reconnected with each other in ways which had eluded us for quite some time. Mostly because of me I think – perhaps I never really learned how to just love and let something be. I’m learning tho. But, I now find myself unafraid of those things and I don’t feel reluctant to express my emotions to people anymore, and I also feel as tho I have all of my relationships ordered properly now. I accept who I am and I accept my life as it is – and I think I’m actually pretty cool when you get right down to it, and I feel as tho I’m worthy of the things I need to be happy.
That’s a big thing for me at the moment – having confidence in myself and in the woman I am. My own insecurities have been an obstacle for me for quite some time, but I feel as tho I’ve finally overcome those things and I’m ready to move forward with my life.
I can only be who I am… I cannot be someone or something else… and I needed to be reminded that who I am is good enough… and now I have order.
So, thanks for reading and thanks for your patience and enjoy your Sunday.
1Pegxx
wrote on 6 July 2008 at 16:45
‘My own insecurities have been an obstacle for me for quite some time, but I feel as tho I’ve finally overcome those things and I’m ready to move forward with my life.’
I can only hope to come to the same conclusion, would have saved me alot of heartache!
Glad to have you back and to see that you are feeling more grounded.
Pegxx
2nina aoki
wrote on 6 July 2008 at 17:07
Pegxx,
It’s hard — believe me. Getting around your own insecurities can sometimes take a lifetime — but the time I spent with Lisa these last few days really helped me to see some things much more clearly. I feel in some ways that I’ve moved into a different place in my life. ‘Growing’ I suppose is fair to say.
Thanks… I feel better and much more grounded and comfortable with things around me. Maybe all I needed was a different perspective.
xoxo,
nina
3Steffy
wrote on 6 July 2008 at 17:07
Oh Nina,
You are such a beautiful soul!
I am so overjoyed with the fact things are now settled!! It is so nice to hear a sense of peace in your words.
Sweet Nina, You really are so beautiful inside and out! I am so glad you might see glimpses of this truth every now and then! Hopefully you will see them forevermore! Take Care Sweet friend and happy belated 4th!
Mwauhhhh!!!!
Love,
Steffy
4nina aoki
wrote on 6 July 2008 at 17:12
Steffy,
Thank you sweetheart — tho I don’t know that I’m ready to use the word ’settled’ just yet, but things are ‘better’
I feel so much more connected to Lisa and that’s given me the strength to confront and deal with some other issues and things in my life. On so many levels, everything all comes back to my floating heartstrings, and also, about knowing my own worth. That’s been the big one — valuing myself as a woman and valuing what I have to share with someone. So, in that regard, things are better and I have a much better grasp and grounding with who I am as a woman. That really matters — and I feel as tho I’ve been ’seen’ again… by her.
I needed that… because the worst feeling in the world is feeling as tho the person you love doesn’t ’see’ you… and I’ve been feeling that way for a while now…
So, thanks again for your kind words hon. I do appreciate them.
love,
nina
5Lazy Editor
wrote on 6 July 2008 at 18:44
Dear Nina….
Being “seen” for who we are, especially by those whom we love most, is so important for all of us. I struggle with this, too, as I’m sure do many women. I am very glad this weekend put those feelings aside for you.
Love,
L.E.
6nina aoki
wrote on 6 July 2008 at 18:52
LE,
Thank you — and I completely agree. Many people struggle with this, especially women.
In many ways spending some time with Lisa helped to clear these feelings within me — and I do feel as tho she sees me. We spent most of the time talking and listening to one another — trying to understand where we each were and what we each needed from the other.
So, feeling that I was seen was important — but also too, it helped me to understand why, or at least come to grips with the fact that there are those I love who I wish would see me… and I realized I think, that I cannot blame myself if they don’t see me. I can’t control that… and while that may be hard to accept, I cannot blame myself for that. There’s nothing different I can do, I can’t be a different person, I can only be me and live my own life… if I’m seen, then I am. If I’m not… well, then what can I do about that?
But Lisa sees me… and that’s enough for me…
Thanks hon,
love,
nina
7Moe
wrote on 6 July 2008 at 20:04
Meow.
I wish someone would see me and feed me and pet me.
Meow.
And rub my belly. And feed me treats.
Meow.
I wonder where the remote’s at?
Meow.
8Moe
wrote on 6 July 2008 at 20:07
Meow.
Oh yeah, today’s music…
Talvin Singh’s “Mombasstic”
Meow.
9alliterative red
wrote on 7 July 2008 at 14:00
Nina,
You are WAY cool. Never doubt that for a second. Glad you had a good time away. :-)
And if I’m reading right, the Red Sox needed you to take a break, too. ;-)
hugs!
a. red
10nina aoki
wrote on 7 July 2008 at 14:17
a.red,
Thanks for the hugs hon — and thank you… I think I’m pretty cool too! (sometimes) lol!
Yes, it was good to get away and clear my head out a bit and get things reordered. I feel better and much more in control of my emotions.
I know — good lord. Five games back out of first place behind Tampa Bay??? WTF! Well, at least they’re back at Fenway. We’ll have to see what happens now.
Be good hon and thanks!
xoxo,
nina