Prior to my appendix getting a mind of its own and interrupting the normal flow of my life; environs and aesthetics have always been important to me, as I suspect that they are to most people, tho I don’t know that as many people put as much thought into those things as I happen to.  I often change the aesthetics of geishaland as a means to and end – often reflecting my continuously drifting moods and tastes.  Things like imagery and color tend to play prominent roles in how I define my feelings.  It was a bit of a watershed moment for me to comprehend the concept of feel first – meaning that all things with me flow from how I feel about them, rather than how I think about them, and then learning how to best express those intangibles.

Perhaps I should have pursued painting rather than writing?

This idea of individual reflection came to me last week as I was happily puttering and making what I deemed “big decisions” about how geishaland should look.  In some ways, she’s a living breathing thing, just like I am.  How she looks is as important to me as how I look on any given day, and unfortunately, I haven’t been terribly pleased with her choices lately.  Perhaps these are just splinters of the things I wrestle with in my own subconscious which evade the better judgment of knowing when to shut up – but her loud demeanor has certainly taken a toll.  So – I had decided – it was time to get back to my minimalist roots and simply focus on the things which matter.

It’s been a strange year – and also recognizing that I view everything in terms of being a cycle – many people have expressed that this year in particular has left them with enormous life questions.  What to do next?  Am I getting too old for this?  Do I need to take a lover?  Am I a lesbian?  Things like that.

None of these things are completely universal or unique to any one person – tho how we interpret them and fit them into our lives, meaning, how we answer those questions says more about the foundation of who we are rather than where we may be in any given moment of indecision.

In some ways it feels like walking into a fabulous shoe store; surrounded by thousands of pairs of shoes, and trying a few of them on for a while.  Does this fit me?  Would I like it to fit me?  Do I wish that I could get away with this look?  Perhaps life is sometimes like that – a big shoe store.  We try on different pairs and wear them for a while only to realize that even tho we love the shoe, it just doesn’t fit, and never will.

This is how I’ve been feeling lately; that I’ve been wearing a pair of shoes that I so desperately want to love, but no matter how many band-aids I stick on my blisters, they’ll never fit right.

(not an original metaphor I know… but it fits today…)

These things coalesce together in a way; the idea of personal aesthetics representing the unique individualism and identity of someone in ways which other things cannot.

So – back to minimalism and time to find a comfortable pair of shoes!

Someone once said something about me and my writing which they intended as a derogatory remark; they made some wisecrack about my quirky use of the semi-colon, overused ellipses, and the non sequitur as literary devices.

Funny that I should be laughing my ass off about that today… tho it never ceases to amaze me what some people will do for an audience… even if that includes committing suicide.

Enjoy your Monday

Music Today: Asa Breed / Matthew Dear