“How does one write about their debauchery on their birthday without really admitting that their husband set it up?”

“Freak.”

“See?  This is a real problem here…”

How indeed?  More than just about becoming nina the spank-o slut for a brief moment in time; as I’ve eluded to here and there in some subtle and not so subtle ways, my birthday celebrations were a lesson in hedonism, or perhaps better put, an example of out and out debauchery.  Tho I tend to take the Gore Vidal approach to life these days; there are no homosexual people, only homosexual acts, which then rolls into the Lisa M. Diamond Sexual Fluidity vein — (amazing what can come out of Utah when one puts their mind to it…) – so can the same be said for debauchery I wonder?  Are we really debauched or do we just commit the errant debauched acts on our birthday and try and blame the jello shots?

And this is so much bigger than the age old question of what came first, the chicken or the egg…  I’m asking; what came first?  The jello shots or the innate desire to do something so wickedly sinful that I would have done it anyway?  Gelatinous Vodka or not?

While admitting to the spankings was amusing for its own end in that kinkier than a hairpin switch kind of way, the larger interpretation of those acts doesn’t exist in a complete vacuum; meaning that what it represents is something larger, deeper perhaps, in terms of my own sexual psychology.

(it only started with the spankings…)

I’ve always held a personal belief about the ideas of dominance and submission in that I feel that most of us are are generally wired as leaning towards one way or another – not suggesting that some cross transient switching and strap-on play might not be in order or even welcome or acceptable; tho I’m always a bit skeptical about those who just out and out claim to be “a complete switch” — no, you’re either a dominant or a submissive I think, maybe in terms of preference would be a better way to express that idea, because I think we’re all basically capable of doing anything sexually… at least once, and even enjoying it too.

Tho I don’t necessarily really see a lot of gray area here when it comes to dominance and submission, and I’m not sure that what Gore had to say about acts rather than people applied here.

Because sexual psychology isn’t that simple, Gore, and you know it too.

We use our sexuality in terms of how we define ourselves, and I think that’s a pretty universal feeling, and our personality types are such that once we’re wired a certain way, I think maybe that sticks with us and always will too.

So – where am I going with this?

I’ve been considering how I felt when I was bent over that chair as I celebrated my birthday, with my skirt hiked up around my waist and my undies yanked down around my knees and my bare bottom being smacked (hard too) by some of my closest friends – and the singular pleasurable thought which coursed through my mind was just how amazing it was to feel so sexually submissive and to be placed in such a position willingly.  Sexual submission is something which resonates with me and is something which I’ve come to identify as just who I am.  I don’t really question that anymore.

Curiously enough; Elizavetta has written a few interesting posts where she’s basically come out as being someone who is wired for that Meat Beat Manifesto dominant sexual Pro-Domme behavior.  One post in particular was something which I can only describe as her calling card here.  I do find her views interesting, tho certainly completely foreign from my own.  Tho she’s well worth reading more than once!  And more curious is that she’s managed to keep this dirty little secret locked up for so long too.  It’s always the quiet ones as they say…

(as has been said about me too from time to time)

But back to my introspective exploration into the land of the sexually submissive for a moment.

Expressed in some ways best here when I shared Slipknot and also too when I shared Amethyst.  These things just simply exist for me on a level which drives me and my decisions and which satisfy and feed my sexuality — be that expressed with men or women.  The submissive nature of that sexuality is a constant for me; something larger than just being and identifying as a bisexual woman, kwim?

I know that I haven’t written about what happened after the spankings yet… and I suppose I’ll comport some juicy bit of erotic musings and throw it into my Sanctuary soon enough once I feel best able to articulate what happened and how I felt about it in the pure moment as it was happening… I did just get out of the hospital you know… but now with a startling new development… I’m not quite sure how.

Tho I will say that what happened after the spankings fed the fires of my sexually submissive being in ways which I’m still trying to process and comprehend.  Did the spankings bring that out of me?  Did they loosen the inhibitions in ways which I cannot simply blame on jello shots?  I think perhaps so.  And further, what does this mean for the future, if anything at all?

Imagine my surprise when on Friday morning as I laid in my hospital bed, blissfully unaware while being continuously injected off into space by my morphine pump, when my husband sat down in a chair directly perpendicular to my bed, smiling at me before saying;

“So Nina… about your birthday…  I hope you’re not too upset about what happened in the basement… It was my idea you know…”

“Huh?”

Freak indeed.

Maybe I really am nina the spank-o slut… and always have been too.