thought of the moment…
“What I cannot love, I overlook. Is that real friendship?”
- Anaïs Nin
There is an odd sense of ease I feel this morning; almost as if a heavy burden has been lifted from my shoulders and cast adrift on an ancient sea – no longer something I must carry and pay homage to, simply something which once was which is no more. My arms are sore, the memory of the journey weighs heavily on my weary body, but my heart and mind are free. So as I rest and try to lift myself again, I do so with clarity and honesty within my spirit – no longer afraid of saying the words I longed to say, no longer needing to say them, no longer trapped in something I cannot escape from. I am free…
Lost inside an emotional black hole – every feeling I shared, every word I spoke, every idea freely offered; I gave these things willingly, and would do so again and again. The gift of friendship is always something we must treasure, even when the pain of ending one looms in the distance.
I saw it coming. I’ve seen it coming for weeks. Something had changed. The connection was broken, the desire to have the connection had waned; as if the love I offered had been slowly bludgeoned to death by the inequities of selfishness and the cold callous hands of indifference. I never could have given enough. I know that now. There was nothing left for me to do except let it go, to cast the pain aside and emerge unclothed, advancing unmasked, walking along my path, not really knowing where it will lead next, but knowing that wherever it leads, what I now leave behind will not be there waiting for me, and content in the knowledge that what does lay ahead will be something new, something unique, something beautiful.
Love and friendship are always renewed again in each person we meet – every person a unique world unto themselves, all waiting to be discovered. We cannot mourn the death of love when it lives within us; patient in her understanding, even when she waits a lifetime to be shared.
But is this how love dies I wonder?
… Not with a tear,
but with a sigh?
1Liz
wrote on 5 August 2008 at 12:14
Well, speaking about friendship, I know exactly what you are talking about, but I assume with love it’s the same, weird feeling. Mostly because the one you love also becomes your best friend along the way.
This is how my longest friendship ended, one I thought would last forever but parted in rather ugly ways. And after a while, after holding on to something which was doomed to fail but which I somehow wasn’t strong enough to let go, I realized how free I could be, if I just broke free.
When I finally did, it was like a whole new world opening up for me. This is a really intense feeling, both sad and positive combined. Quite a roller coaster one can’t really quit.
And the future lies ahead.
2nina aoki
wrote on 5 August 2008 at 17:44
Liz,
Thank you for this — yes, this is about a friendship which ended, rather badly too, and for reasons I still don’t understand.
What hurts the most is that I feel as tho everything we had shared was simply cast away without regard or concern, and I feel that I deserved the benefit of the doubt too… and I feel as tho I deserved better because that’s what I gave her.
In many ways what has happened feels ‘too convenient’ — that perhaps somehow the other party wanted out of the relationship and just used something else as cover. I can’t really say because I don’t understand it myself.
But even tho I am a bit sad, I’m also a bit relived. Things had devolved into a very painful place, and now that pain is gone. So yes, today I take a step forward into the future which lies ahead.
Thanks so much,
nina
3Shannon
wrote on 5 August 2008 at 21:00
You are such a talented writer. I just had to put that out there. All my life, I wish I could write like you do. That flowing, soft, descriptive feeling, like the words are wrapping around you. It’s amazing.
It seems these days that a lot of relationships are ending. I hope this cloud of negativity passes soon.
<3sc
4Lazy Editor
wrote on 5 August 2008 at 23:43
Hugs to you, sweetheart. Just hugs. I’m confident that what lays ahead for you will always be beautiful, because that’s what you give to the world.
More hugs; I’m sorry you’re hurting, but glad you’re free.
Love,
L.E.
5nina aoki
wrote on 6 August 2008 at 3:25
Shannon,
Thank you so much for that sweetheart! <3
What a lovely compliment… I’m truly humbled by such kind words… Thank you…
It seems these days that a lot of relationships are ending. I hope this cloud of negativity passes soon.
I’ve actually heard that from a few different people — I mean, I found out that we weren’t friends anymore from a post on her blog… :(
Imagine my surprise…
So, maybe there really is something negative in the air, and I too hope that it passes soon.
Thanks much,
nina
6nina aoki
wrote on 6 August 2008 at 3:31
LE,
Thank you for the hugs sweetheart and for the kind words, and also for listening to me ramble on thru this whole ordeal.
I think the only way we ever truly appreciate beauty is to also know ugliness. That balance is essential for life, and one does not exist without the other — and despite the ugliness in this world, there is still so much beauty here too… and this is what will carry and sustain me.
Yes, I am hurting a bit… I mean, I still love her… and I think I always will. I just wish I could understand why I was so easy to throw away… but, I think maybe that has more to do with her and what’s going on in her life than it does with me.
I’m more sad than anything else at this point. Tho I’m reminded of my own words… we can’t value time shared based on the length of the time shared, but on the quality of that time… and I have very good memories of what she and I shared.
I don’t want to get stuck here either, so I don’t think that I’m going to write any more about this… I’m just going to go forward along my path and see where it leads me.
Yes… free. I’ll be okay…
Thank you sweetheart,
love,
nina
7Liz
wrote on 7 August 2008 at 4:44
It’s been almost two years now that this friendship of mine fell apart, but even though it really hurt (well, it should, when you over 20 years with that person, thinking you could trust her 100% and tell her everything) it got better. A lot better.
Starting with the fact that I didn’t have to wonder anymore, whether or not she was lying to me and making up stories, which she was.
And maybe you are just like me, that you always tried to make her happy, to simply give without expecting too much back. Well, sometime this comes crashing down on you, at least it did on me. Mostly because I realized, that I did need something back for this, but nothing was coming. And so I ended up giving and being unable to refill “storage” of strength.
I had the same feeling, that the other person wanted to get out of that relationship. However, when I let loose and went my own way, she came back, blaming me for throwing things away “just like that”.
That was one of the hardest moments, because it was easy back then to give me a bad conscience. And I didn’t end it just because I was moody and had a bad day, but I had my reasons. She was tearing me apart with her behavior, and I was starting to become the shadow of myself, an dI know it needed to stop. She was way to persuasive that I could have talked it over with her. I just told her that I didn’t know what she was missing, but that she should stop trying to find it in other people (because she kept always running to people whose behavior and ways to talk she adopted, while sort of ignoring me and lying to me). She would suck life out of them, really weird. She had done that with some others beforehand, I just never really realized. It meant she could make you feel like she was your best friend, and drop you the next minute, never coming back to talk to you again.
I stood strong, however, and I got over it. And nowadays I surround myself with people whom I know like me, who inspire me and make me happy. I don’t have to know them for years and years, just my tummy tells me whether or not this is a good friendship.
The experience lets me feel it by now, and I am sure you’ll make it just as well.
and no, you won’t forget her, and you won’t hate her, just because that ain’t possible. Of course you shared great times with her, and keeping those as a good memory won’t hurt. All of this just makes you a little wiser, and nothing is perfect. Sometimes people change, and sometimes they subconsciously choose different directions, which isn’t your fault.
Yes, it hurts, but the pain will pass. Feel hugged, and be excited about what good things are going to happen. The air might just taste a little better, now that the burden has been lifted off your shoulders.
Liz
8nina aoki
wrote on 9 August 2008 at 17:29
Hi Liz,
Sorry it took me a bit to get back to this — I actually unplugged for a couple of days. A bit of hiding in my shell so to speak.
Thank you so much for sharing all of this with me, and for trusting me enough to open yourself a bit here in my space. It always hurts to lose someone we care for, and despite whatever reasons there may be, there’s just no way of getting around the pain of losing them.
The love we felt for them doesn’t just vanish, so it takes some time to adjust to the emptiness in our lives I think. This is what I am trying to do.
I have clarity and an understanding, and I have no malice in my heart, and every day is getting a little better.
I’ll be okay, as I’m sure you were as well. Thank you so much for the hugs and the kind words too. They are so very much appreciated!
xoxo,
nina