Disconnected
I spent last night laying in bed thinking about the past week; not really any closer to finding any answers, but knowing in my heart that I need to make a change. Maybe everything upset me up more than I realized, but I don’t know that I can continue doing this anymore, at least not right now. I feel too naked, I feel too vulnerable, I feel too unbalanced – and no matter what I try and do to get centered again, I don’t feel as tho I’m any closer to getting there; and the unsettled ripples in my waters have spread out so far and so wide that my own ch’i is so completely fucked up that no matter what I do, it’s just coming out wrong.
I understand why I started doing this, but I’m having a harder time understanding why I should continue doing this, or perhaps it’s more about not knowing how to continue doing this… at least for right now. Everything just feels wrong, and I’m tired… I’m just tired. I’m tired of being asked to prove things to people who don’t really know me, who have never met me, whose only knowledge of me and my life is what I choose to share here — as if I have to pass some kind of test — as if I have to justify my existence in this world. As if anyone else is any more or less human than I am or even has the right to demand that of me. I don’t owe anyone that.
I am a good and decent person, and I am a good friend — and I have never asked anything of anyone out here either… what makes anyone think that they’re entitled to demand so much from me?
I’m tired of the assumptions and presumptions and the suppositions and the speculations; about me, my life, who I am, what I think, what I believe – and I’m just not sure that it’s even worth it anymore to even try to compete in this cyberworld which values the digital representation of self over the living, breathing, flesh and blood human being.
I’m just tired of all of it… and maybe I need a break for a while…
1larokkaku
wrote on 12 August 2008 at 23:29
“I beg you…to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart
and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms
or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers,
which could not be given now, because you would not be able to live them. And that point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer…”
Rainer Maria Rilke
“when the shadows of this life have flown,
I’ll fly away.
like a bird flown, driven by the storm,
I’ll fly away.”
Alfred E. Brumley, 1929
~ and me, as well…
2Lazy Editor
wrote on 13 August 2008 at 0:53
Wise words from larokkaku. Thinking of you tonight as you live the questions.
Love,
L.E.
3Ally
wrote on 13 August 2008 at 3:13
“I’m tired of being asked to prove things to people who don’t really know me..”
You’ll never stop being asked to prove yourself.. that’s out of your control. You can, however, stop trying to prove yourself.
There’s always going to be people who want something more of you, and those that are just vexations to the soul. Don’t let it discourage you from what you do SO well.
Stop trying to compete..
4Shannon
wrote on 13 August 2008 at 3:35
I’m just tired of all of it… and maybe I need a break for a while…
That makes two of us. I left a bunch of e-friends behind today because I didn’t want to lose them. I’ve decided to stay in touch with a select few, but other then that… no one.
I need to learn to relax and shed this built up negativity.
I hope you feel better in the near future
<3sc
5Marcus
wrote on 13 August 2008 at 13:10
Dear ニーナ,
I have had the fortune to have followed your blog for a long time now and also noticed that something is different with you right now.
When one’s heart knows that a change needs to be made, then in my humble opinion one should allow the heart to lead.
Know that you have enriched my life in so many ways and I bet also of so many of your other readers. As much as I would love to read more of your thoughts and insights, it is for you to grant us that peek. If you were to keep your website up and running so that we may continue reading all your posts and giving us the hope that someday you will be back and allowing us to give back aswell, that would be awesome. But again, it is your decision alone to make.
In that regard, maybe think for a moment about the concept of ikken hissatsu (I understood from my teachers, that one should act without thinking so as to free one’s mind).
I truly wish you to find your chi again soon, (irrespective of your decision about this blog).
Take care!
マーカス
6Jason
wrote on 13 August 2008 at 16:15
Thinking of u.. this song always helps when I am down.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JXLYf5XBx7M
Jason
7Joanne
wrote on 13 August 2008 at 21:16
Nina
Look inside and embrace your inner Goddess. Wrap yourself safely in the arms of the universe and bath in her unconditional answers to all you desire. All you have to do is ask, believe that it has happened, and express gratitude. Grow always in the belief that you matter. You matter unconditionally……..Blessed Be x
8Stephanie
wrote on 14 August 2008 at 13:53
I wish had the words to make things better, but unfortunately only you can find them. I took a break from blogging - for a lot of reasons - and I’ve come to a place where I think I understand myself, my husband, and my willingness to share parts of myself with the outside world, but I needed that break to get there. I found that the act of blogging itself became a bit of an addiction and there was a lot of pressure associated with it. Taking a break allowed me to really reflect on the parts I enjoyed and the parts that just caused me more stress. When I start back up, I hope I can remember those things and incorporate the good parts while leaving the stressful parts behind. You are very wise and seem to be a wonderful and kind person, and I have enjoyed your writings very much. But at the end of the day, you have to do what makes you happy. I wish you the best of luck on your journey.
9nina aoki
wrote on 14 August 2008 at 22:36
Thanks everyone — for the kind words, the advice, and the support. And also, thanks for all the emails which I haven’t answered yet too.
At this point, I have decided not to decide on the future of geishaland.
I have the feeling that I’ll be back to this place at some point, but right now I just feel too raw emotionally; so I have decided to just take a little break, a few days perhaps to try and clear my head and then I’ll revisit this then — hopefully feeling a little clearer too.
I do know one thing — I need to change some things, and right now I need to figure out how to exactly do that.
Thanks again for all the support.
love,
nina
10DigitalOne
wrote on 15 August 2008 at 3:43
I am a first time visitor. I find your site very honest and comforting. There is nothing here that does not seem completely natural. Your words ring of a very wise woman who knows herself and how to center the mind. I am also able to do this - albeit I am a man. It is our culture that generates so much false guilt over our sensual selves. Enjoy your peace and follow your body and mind. Rest. Continue to listen to your sweet voice.
1113directions
wrote on 17 August 2008 at 22:22
Hoping you are well and finding some peace, nina. Thinking of you…
12Lola
wrote on 21 August 2008 at 1:25
Nina,
I believe that part of loving ones self is knowing when to be silent and listen to your own heart and soul … then give yourself what you need most. If that’s time, distance, a distraction, so be it. Please know that your gifts are many, chief among them, your gift for the written word, which has meant so much to so many.
Whatever path your heart and soul are directing you to now, I wish you peace.
I hope our paths cross again when you’re feeling up to it.
Lola
13Kerry~LittleWing
wrote on 1 September 2008 at 21:52
I am where you are now, well half way through, so I understand you completely. I do know that when my life seems to stop, and things are not flowing like I want, I need to step back, and look at the whole picture of my life. It is then that I am able to see that my life are like chapters, and that before that new chapter can start, I would come to a standstill. Although, that is when I get so lost. Looking for something but don’t know what that something is. But when I keep searching for that “something”, I find that I get more down, so instead I try to find the lessons I am needing to learn before I can go any further. If one doesn’t learn the lessons life is trying to teach you, then that you (in general) will only repeat it over and over until they are learned, or something drastic happens, and then, you have no choice. Well, I want the choice, and want to really live the life. Anyway…
Well whatever you learn about yourself, just forgive yourself no matter what you see. I know if someone makes me feel a certain way, it’s not their fault. They are only being what they are conditioned to do. Everyone reacts out of fear, insecurities, pride, etc. or just being a asshole, . So fuck everyone. Know your value. Everyone gives to life differently, and what you do here, you give so much of yourself.
I do appreciate it so much, as I know others here do too. :-D
So for now, don’t fight against the wind, let it go and flow. Trust me, when the time is right, you will find that “high” again…
Kerry