So – I just started thinking about answering my email.  I know, it’s terribly rude and inconsiderate of me, but I just haven’t had the head to actually write anyone back.  I seem to have entered a much deeper cycle of introspection than I had originally realized, not that that’s necessarily a bad thing, but it’s also meant that I just haven’t found the words to respond to anyone or answer any comments or write about anything either.  Simply saying “oh I’ve been busy” is a bit too arrogant here, I mean, we’re all busy, right?  We still make time.  My silence hasn’t been about not having time… but in just not really knowing what to say to anyone.

A few people have inquired about my emotional state;  it’s fine and I’m doing very well – tho the well wishes are certainly most appreciated.  But, I’m doing good, and there’s no need for anyone to worry about me.  I’m a big girl and I’m well equipped to handle my own life quite nicely.

I’m still contemplating what to do with geishaland I suppose – and after a brief scare with some issues of threat assessment, I came to the conclusion that I’m pretty careful as it is, but maybe being a little more careful isn’t a bad idea either.

So, something else… I have a cyberstalker.

I’ve debated whether or not I wanted to mention it, because generally giving people like this attention can backfire, but I feel the need to confront this head-on.  There’s some guy out there who has convinced himself that I’m his long lost ex-girlfriend who keeps emailing me and saying things like, “I know it’s you” — problem is, it isn’t.  I don’t know this person.  Of that I am 100% sure.  I know who I’ve dated and who I haven’t – and I haven’t dated this guy.

But a restraining order is just another way to say “I Love You” — right?  ugh…

So, back to contemplating geishaland for a moment – I really haven’t decided, but in writing and posting this I am by the very nature of the beast continuing to keep the place on life support.

In some ways I feel as tho I’ve been careless again, and some of that can be directly attributed to the falling out I had with a friend, and to be truthful, I’m kicking myself because I knew better.

It’s amazing the things we sometimes compromise and overlook just to keep a relationship intact.  We disregard the things which should be hitting us in the face like a bucket of ice water – but in my case, I valued the person more than the evidence, even when the evidence was beyond crystal clear, I ignored it.  And I need to figure out why I keep doing that because it’s happened to me more than once now, and everytime this has happened, my reaction tends to be a little different.

The last time it happened was February 2007 – when I lost a whole bunch of friends.  What troubles me was that I thought I had learned those lessons and wouldn’t make the same mistake of getting too close to someone online.  So what do I do?  Get too close to someone online again.

What a stupid bitch, right?

So this time I went back into my shell rather than soldiering on like a good little blogger, but maybe the break was good for me.  I think it was.  It gave me some time to read over some old entries and things I’ve written and truly observe how far I’ve come and how far I still need to go on my path.

I actually considered burning the place down and starting over again as if this were one of my handwritten journals – and I still may do just that.  I haven’t decided yet…

I’ve been occupying my time elsewhere tho… and that’s been truly refreshing and rewarding in so many ways too – belonging to a community is a good thing I think.

But, maybe it’s time to open up the doors to geishaland again and take back some control.  We’ll see.

Enjoy your Thursday